true happiness this way lies

i've told the story before about the ladybugs..the story that was in one of my all time favorite movies; 'under the tuscan sun'.

the story is about a little girl who would spend hours searching for ladybugs only to inevitably fall asleep from her 'hard work', and wake up to find herself covered with ladybugs. moral of the story being, of course, that the quickest way to find what we are looking for is to stop looking for it.

you may or may not agree, i don't really care, but i find that it has been extremely true in my life. it probably has to do a lot with expectations. i have never been very good at handling expectations not met. for that reason, i try to manage those expectations, and as much as possible i try not to expect anything. sometimes i succeed, more often i fail miserably. but i try.

at any rate, not too long ago, i lost a big piece of tara. i don't really know what happened, whether it was just the winter blues on crack, or if i had taken stock of my life and found it to be wanting. that period is sort of a blur. but ever since then i have been trying to 'get back to me.' trying to get back to the good-time-happy-go-lucky-truly-in-love-with-life girl.

i've been trying really hard. i set a lot of goals, and i even made progress on some of them. i pushed myself and stretched myself. i tried and tried, but still found very little resemblance to the girl i once was. so i stopped trying.

and guess what happened? after more honest self-evaluation i realized, i am really happy. i started considering all of the things i was grateful for and all of the blessings in my life. i have come to a deep sense of peace about where i fit in the lord's plan, and a true understanding and belief that he would not have us suffer for one minute more than was necessary in order to fulfill his plan for us--a plan that i feel certain has an ending beyond my wildest dreams.

these are things i have been taught about my whole life, but at some point, when i wasn't looking, i began to not just to agree with them logically, but rather to completely internalize them. they have become such an important part of me that though i still feel hurt and disappointment about things that have transpired--expectations not met. i have full faith and confidence that i will one day understand. and until then, i find that acknowledging and appreciating the beautiful life i do have, has made me truly happy.

i've inadvertently (and rather healthily) dropped over ten pounds. i've redeveloped consistent scripture study (and frankly, church attendance) habits. i have found a renewed desire to interact with people instead of hibernating. i've been responsible. i have explored the country. i've read a lot of good books. i've kicked my diet coke addiction. i've listened to a lot of good music. i have had lots of laughs. i've made other people laugh. i've made plans. i have felt like a child again. i have found joy in the joy of others without envy.

and every one of these things happened when i stopped trying so hard to make them happen. ladybugs my friends, ladybugs.

p.s. my horoscope for today reads: after the emotional havoc you went through over the last few weeks, the period beginning today will be quite soothing. you can take advantage of these smoother, calmer waters to rediscover inner emotional harmony and improve the balance of your energy flows.