adios october

all good things must come to an end i suppose, and october 2013 is no exception.  before saying a final farewell however, there was time to...

get my two-step on with grant and amy,

enjoy watching cordy and thor spooning for the first time,

have dinner with katherine, in town from colorado for some training,

and catch up with my road trip friend matt, giving me an excuse to try out a new dessert recipe.

oreo pudding cake

puppy love

i know, i know, you've all being sitting around for the last six months thinking to yourself 'didn't tara get a dog?' or 'man, how could tara have possibly gotten a dog, she's gone all the time!' or 'does tara STILL have a dog?'

the answer is yes, and boy did i totally score when it came to getting one!


thanks to my great roommate and our great situation (the house and two doggie roommates - not the travel), cordy is absolutely thriving. i 've gotten so much joy from watching her come out of her shell as she settles in to her new life. she's a happy-go-lucky, tail-wagging (the fastest you've ever seen), scavenger of a thing who is full of personality and constantly making me smile. she's also a really good dog. aside from her affinity for stealing heather's dinners if left within jumping range, she's well-behaved, generally pretty quiet (unless the neighbors dog wanders over to say hello) and stays out of trouble. she even lets me bathe her and clip her nails without a fight!


it continues to amaze me that despite my intense travel schedule, she still somehow knows i'm 'mom'. i'll be honest, i don't really understand it. in the last six months she's spent A LOT more time with my roommates (we have a temporary third roommate at the moment) than she has with me. she's clearly bonded with them, but when i'm home, she wants nothing more than to be close. initially it manifests as a seizure inducing butt-shaking one-foot hopping happy dance, but then she settles in to just wanting a snuggle or a belly rub. if only i had that same effect on men ;)

all in all, she has been a great addition to my little family of, well, of one, and we're getting on swimmingly. now you can all go on to wondering about more important things :D

sast presents: wednesday?

last weekend i worked another pride event.


this one was in long beach, and truth be told, it was kind of a rough weekend. my brakes started grinding on the way to the event saturday morning, which meant i couldn't take care of them for a full two days. and if that was enough bad news, my gps was stolen from my car. awesome.


i will say that i really really have come to adore my co-worker melissa, and working with her always makes giving up a weekend more bearable.

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while at pride sunday night, we got a pretty good earthquake. a 4.7 i believe. it was a very surreal thing to be outside and to watch the earth kind of do the wave in front of me. it makes me a little nervous that there have been so many earthquakes since my arrival here, but my native californians assure me that some years are that way, others are not. i am certainly hoping we're not due for the 'big one' any time in the near future!

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i am so excited for memorial day weekend. a weekend i'm actually NOT working. and i get to focus on doing a little as humanly as possible.

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cordy is doing amazingly well. she's pretty much the cutest dog ever. it's been soooo fun to watch her personality evolve as she settles in and as she interacts with the other two canine roommates. lots of tail wagging and tonight, yes, tonight, there was dancing.

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i finally took some pics of the house!

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every short attention span theater needs a little irony. remember my friend jesse? the one i completely randomly ran into on a plane that one time? well, it turns out that that was not the last of our strange meetings. though he was already planning on helping me with the 'do nothing' holiday weekend, it also turns out that the following weekend we'll both be in seattle. i'll be there for work, and he'll be there killing some time before heading out on a cruise with his fam. the irony is that i only learned late last week that i would be needed, so it's not a trip i was originally planning on. but one which is shaping up to be a really good time!

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speaking of seattle. i am super excited to see my old frined leah. not that she's old (we're the same age), but we literally grew up together. two doors down, all through junior high and high school. she ended up joining the church, temple marriage, whole shabang. it's probably been 7 or 8 years since i've seen her, and she lives outside of seattle with her hubby and kids. it is going to be so fantastic to reconnect!

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i saw star trek a couple of weeks ago, though i haven't posted since. seriously, how awesome was that?! i loved every minute of it.

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this episode of sast is now concluded.

a post to quiet the masses

my little cousin/nieces & nephews have a very subtle way of reminding me when i haven't posted in a while. they say things like 'hey, you need to post on your blog!' subtle, right?

cordy and i have been settling nicely into our new house. she's everything i could ask for in a canine companion, and this place is everything i could ask for in a home...minus the husband and kids, of course. ;)

cordy is a happy, sweet, and mellow dog. her tail is constantly wagging, usually with one of her front paws simultaneously lifted. i'm told that it's a jack russell characteristic, but i've never seen it before, and it sends me into giggle fits every time. she rarely barks and is an easy dog to have out and about or visiting at the cousins. she is an absolute joy.


her adjustment period has been remarkably smooth sailing. there have been a few 'marking' incidents, but wood and tile floors help relieve that stress while we work on stopping it entirely. despite her mostly laid back personality, she seems to have ended up as the alpha dog. she and suzy enjoy playing together, and she and lady, the lab mix and former alpha, are working out their relationship.

though they continue to settle in to the new hierarchy, it is not uncommon to find the three of them curled up on a bed somewhere..sometimes theirs, sometimes mine, sometimes heather's. initially cordy wasn't interested in sleeping with me (although she has been my shadow in every other way since i brought her home) , but after a few nights of sleeping nested in her bed on top of my bed, she has made the transition.

the first self-portrait

i've been doing some adjusting myself, but it has been remarkably easy. this house has been an answer to prayer in so many ways, and though the timing couldn't possibly have been worse, that in and of itself seems to be a testament to the 'rightness' of the situation.

there is a wonderful spirit about the house and we started to feel it as soon as we signed the lease. the landlords told us they were going to repaint everything and asked us what colors we'd like. they went above and beyond in a thousand+ ways. things like...putting in a screen door when we asked, replacing all of the light fixtures and letting us (heather) choose them, bringing us beautiful plants as housewarming gifts, etc., etc., etc.

could she be any cuter?

heather makes for an ideal roommate...we have similar taste (down to color schemes), we like things clean (don't laugh, mom), we love the dogs, and bonus, she cooks :D

so all in all, despite the crazy timing, and the fact that i'm convinced there are actually only 16 hours in a day (24..ha!) the last two (ish) weeks have been nothing short of amazing. i have a new home, i have a new dog!, i spent a weekend with my best friend (more on that in another post). happiness abounds.

she's home

and so am i! needless to say, it's been a whirlwind. i arrived home on sunday afternoon and started moving. i've been settling in over the last day or so and this morning, i picked up the new addition. meet cordy:

random thoughts from the past few days

1. i hate vegas but fortunately i am done with it for the year!

2. i have to admit that i am surprised the name voting is so overwhelmingly favoring 'sadie'. keep in mind, all of them are names i like, my top two are sadie and fiona. i think fiona is number one in my head right now. my roommate has a dog named lady-i'm afraid if i call for sadie, i'm going to get lady. i also like that fiona is less common. in favor of sadie though, i think it will be an easier transition, not to mention that it is a cute name. i'm very torn right now.

3. i will be starting to move as soon as i get home on sunday. what that means is that in a two week period i will have found a new place to live and moved into it, spent several days each in vegas and phoenix, and gotten a dog.

4. i had some time to kill in phoenix yesterday so i drove to sedona and went horseback riding. i'm proud of myself for not spending the entire day in my hotel room, although maybe i could have used the downtime.

5. i am really excited about this move. it's amazing but the owners are doing everything we asked them to do and more. the entire place is being repainted and multiple fixes are being made. heather even went with them last night to pick out new light fixtures!!

6. i am really distracted. i just want to get home, get moved and get my dog!

Sent from my iPhone

the NEW name options

i told you that there was no guarantee on how long it would last. down to three names, two from the last poll and one addition. PLUS, i've added the option to keep her name the same. she was owner surrendered, so we know that she has been cosita/cosi for the last six years. (new poll on right)

help me name my dog:)

k, it's official, she's mine! she's staying in foster care until i can get moved in to the new place, so ive got a little bit of time. what do you think? i've narrowed it down to six (ha ha! the number keeps going up!). check out the poll at the right.


just as a refresher, she is a 10 lb., 6 year old mix; dachsund, jack russell, and who knows what else. she is a melllooow dog. the foster mom has never heard her bark. she's apparently an escape artist (yep, guess i signed up for that again!), and bonds more with people than other dogs.


i am open to other suggestions, but i think these are probably the six.

not sure when i'll shut down the poll, so vote now!

wow

when i told my friend heather 3 ish weeks ago that i'd consider finding a place together in a couple months, then told her last week it probably wouldn't hurt to get the ball rolling, i NEVER imagined that in less than a week i'd be signing a new lease.

though i feel a little bit like i just walked out the backside of a wind tunnel, i am so unbelievably excited. i'm staying in huntington beach. yay! i'm a couple miles further from the beach, but i have a YARD, and a place where i can have a DOG!

i won't go into the nitty gritty particulars and all the little miracles, but you can probably guess there were a few, given the quick timing. so i'm happy. happy and grateful. yup, you heard me. i'm still off the man train but dangit, i'm getting a dog!

happy go lucky day

(the pics in this post have nothing to do with the topic of this post, but i love posting pics, and these are the weekend's latest. the queen mary was offering free admission to california residents for a limited time, so matt and i took advantage)

so, i've pretty much decided that i am going to be moving again. i'm even mostly okay with it. it's just time for a dog. not only do i want one, i think i actually need one. i've given this some thought over the last couple of years, and i think, for someone over 30 and still single, a pet, and more specifically a dog, is one of the best things you can do for yourself. dog owners have long been touted as being happier, healthier, and generally living longer lives than your average person. but even beyond that, i think it is a really good way to maintain the practice of sacrifice.


i find that the older i get, the more selfish i get. and it's not just me. i look around at others in a similar situation, and though there are exceptions (remember that i do know this as i continue my commentary), by and large we are a self-centered bunch! we have discretionary income that only has to pass one test--the 'I' test. "I want it" or "I need it." we also have discretionary time that only has to pass one test--"I feel like it" or "I don't feel like it." barring work responsibilities, we aren't really accountable to anyone else. those who feel more accountable usually just have a stronger guilt reflex. even our church callings are voluntary and we decide whether we want to minimize or magnify those callings. i've seen and practiced some of both.

i am the first to acknowledge my own inclusion in this group. my name is tara, and i'm selfish. (hellooo tara!) selfish and emotionally lazy. i know it. i always have been. it's something i struggle with. a lot. the big stuff i've always been pretty good at -- those 'save the day' moments we all get presented with from time to time. but the small and simple sacrifices have been a constant challenge for me.


there are some (in fact, as i think about it, most of my readership!) who take real joy in the service of others, who not only accept opportunities to make sacrifices, they SEEK them in an endeavor to enrich the lives of those around them. they succeed, and they find great rewards and great blessings in that -- even though that wasn't the point. i am not inherently one of those people. it is a struggle for me to respond to a call for volunteers, or to accept an assignment that is outside of my normal parameters.

i can't explain why, but being a dog owner helps even the odds for me a little bit. as my parents have often reminded me, it is a sacrifice to have one. after all, i'm 32 with discretionary time and income! foot-loose and fancy-free! and that is a big part of the problem. having to make decisions about my time and my money to consider the needs of another living thing, is, i think, a great practice to be in. it's a good habit to have, and a good launching point for expanding that into other areas of my life. and frankly, it helps minimize the self-pity, which is probably the most selfish self-centered behavior i can think of at the moment.

it's just hard to feel THAT bad about yourself when you're trying to fight off a french kiss from your dog. case in point, i spent friday night watching a movie at a girlfriend's house with her two dogs. at one point the lab decided that she had had enough of the bichon getting all the attention, and she pretty much attacked me. the tail-wagging licking version of an attack, of course. i absolutely could not stop laughing, which of course, fueled her even more. so for what seemed like a good five minutes, me and the lab, laughing and licking. i laughed so hard my stomach hurt--you know, one of THOSE laughs. hard to feel bad about yourself when your stomach hurts from laughing.


so i've decided to move so i can have a dog. i'm on month-to-month so i can leave any time, and as it happens this friend of mine is also looking for an out from her current home. so we are trying to find something together. the problem thus far is that places that will allow dogs will only allow two. since she already has two and i want one of my own, we really need some doors to open. i know i don't have to ask, as many of you indicate this on a regular basis (thank you!), but please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. it would be nice to have something good fall into place right about now.

in optimistic anticipation, i did something that may blow up in my face, but i was willing to take the risk. my little dog friend, who appeared in a previous post, is still available for adoption. i don't know that i blogged this, but i did actually go and meet her in person before i got the 'no' answer. i was so sure that it was going to be a yes that i wanted to get the rescue ball rolling. i fell equally in love with her in person as i did online, and i could not reconcile the fact that this would not be my dog! so, as of an hour ago, i contacted the rescue organization and offered to pay the adoption fee now, if she could stay in foster care until i found a new place to live. i suggested that if i had not secured something by may 1st that i would relinquish my 'hold' and forgo my deposit as a 'true' donation, and they could put her back on the proverbial block. it's tax deductible, and it's a rescue organization, so i can feel good about that.

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update: after drafting this post, i heard back from the rescue organization and am going to meet with the foster mom on friday night where i'll spend a little more time with the dog and talk about 'options'. this is a great sign - now i just need a new dog-lovin' home!

"where do we go from here?"

name that song, earn my undying adoration.

it's a gray and rainy day today and it suits my mood. i should be on cloud 9 after my (really) good date last night, but instead i find myself depressed at learning that if i want to stay in my current living situation, i won't be able to get a dog. i'm both mad and sad right now. mad about the lady who cheated the system and took in a stray with no consequences, while i tried to go about things the right and honest way and was disappointed. mad that in the 'eternal' scheme of things this would be something that i'd be denied. and so sad that this missing piece will remain missing.

truth be told, there are two 'missing pieces' in my life right now. one of them i can't control, so changing the one that i can, has become of utmost importance. the only problem is that now, 'controlling' it, means moving. i'm not on a lease, so it's feasible. and it's fair to say i haven't established life long bonds with my roommates--i just think that's harder to do with anyone after you hit the 30 mark. but despite that, i enjoy them, we have no drama, and my home feels like home. after my last living situation i appreciate those things even more, but what i really want is a dog.

silly as it may sound, at the moment, i'd take a dog over a man. after all, men haven't proven all that reliable, and i've developed a fairly apathetic perspective on dating. in theory i still think it's a good idea, but in practice i've become slightly jaded, wondering if i can take actions and words at face value or if at some point, like they usually do, things will blow up in my face.

don't mistake apathy for bitterness. i'm not bitter, i just don't really care right now. kind of funny actually, when i realize that i've been on more actual dates with more guys in the last two months than probably in the last two years. and i go, and i have a good time, and i'm over it. or i was over it to begin with and i just traveled down the path of least resistance, i'm not sure. last night's date was one that i was actually excited about and i wish it weren't so colored by wholly unrelated events.

it was a year in the making, this date. i met the guy online in february of last year and at the time, i was also communicating with spencer in portland. i don't really remember how exactly things went down, but i met spencer before i met tim (despite him being far more geographically suitable) and spencer and i started dating. that was that until tim contacted me again in january. my schedule was fairly out of control so it took me awhile to respond, but eventually we reconnected and decided it was time to meet.

take 1
"hmmm..my aim was off but i look cute in this one so i'm going to post it anyway"

honestly, i couldn't have asked for a better first date. he drove the hour or so from la to come get me (bonus points) and on my recommendation we had dinner at the best italian place i know in huntington. first and foremost, he is absolutely adorable. i'm always a bit nervous when it's an online meet, that upon opening the door for the first time, i'll see a flash of disappointment. it's not like that always happens, but it has (on both sides - to be fair), and this was the first guy i'd been excited about meeting in a REALLY LONG TIME. to my relief, there was no 'flash', but rather the most amazingly disarming smile. i was already hooked.

he's not the type of guy i would normally date. i don't know exactly how to qualify that statement, other than to say he's just different. nicer maybe? a little more, hmmm, timid isn't the right word, but i'm usually attracted to in your face guys that are 'big talkers'. you know, guys who always have some grand plan which may or may not ever come to fruition. there's something a little quieter about tim, although he's not necessarily quiet. i'm having a hard time translating from my brain to type, so let's just leave it at he's not my usual type.

the dinner conversation was easy and natural, and he was able to make me laugh. we talked a lot about a lot, but we started talking about traveling, which led to some related topics, which led to my asking if he'd seen the movie 'amazing grace'. he hadn't, and lucky for him, i happen to own it. so after dinner we decided to head back to my place and pop in the movie. which of course, provided the perfect opportunity for some snuggling. there may or may not have also been some hand holding. and there might have even been an opportunity for a first kiss if i hadn't gotten so gun shy recently about kissing on the first date.

take 2
"okay, no cut off heads. good to go."

the chemistry was really good, i found it easy to be myself, and i think he's someone i could have a lot of fun with. the only downside is that now i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop...it always does. and as most of you know, the last really good date i had is what brought me to my jaded apathy in the first place. maybe he'll be different.. i'm hoping (he really is very very cute) but i'm not holding my breath. and of course i can't stop thinking about how much i want a dog, and how i really AM a glutton for punishment. i shouldn't have gone to meet her or started looking at dog beds and bowls and collars and such. i am absolutely heartbroken and i don't know what to do.

two things

1. the date is NEXT tuesday (not last night), which was my misunderstanding. sorry, you'll have to wait another week for the recap

2. i've decided that it's time for another dog. the first and biggest obstacle is that my complex does not allow dogs. they use to and a lot of people have them, but apparently they were all grand-fathered in. i finally got the courage to ask my landlady (who i've never met) about it, and the answer was a definitive 'no', until i used the words 'rescue,' 'small dog', 'older dog,' and 'i work for a pet insurance company.' i think it was the rescue thing and the pet insurance thing that really got her, being a dog owner herself. she agreed to talk to the owner for me, and i'm just praying she finds a way to say yes.

please, please, please keep your fingers crossed.. whether i like it or not, i am a dog person. not having one actually feels like something is missing, and i'm happier, and frankly, healthier, as a dog owner. i'm hoping that cosmically i've garnered some bonus points by not ratting out the lady down the way who took in a stray and decided to keep him a few weeks ago, and that my landlady will succeed on my behalf. the bottom line is, if she doesn't, i'm probably looking at another move in the next year, and given that i actually love my living environment right now, i'd like to avoid that if possible. i just want to have my cake and eat it too!

as you can imagine, the second part of this process is finding a dog. in this job, they are everywhere, and everyone has an opinion. when you ask one of our many vet techs for an opinion on a breed, the answer is almost always preceded with an eye roll. to be fair, i understand it. after all, when they see an animal, 9 times out of 10 it's because the animal is having problems. so when i say 'boston terrier' they think 'bronchiosyphallic,' (i've probably butchered the spelling on that) and while it's true that that is a potential problem, it's not a guaranteed one.

i used the example of the boston terrier because i had pretty much narrowed it down to that breed...until i made the mistake of getting on petfinder.com. keep in mind, i've been looking on and off for 3 months, and today, i found the dog that must be mine. she is a total mutt. part dachsund, part jack russell, part wire haired doxie-all 10 pounds of her. she's an older dog at 6, and though the idea of having to face the grieving process in 6 or 8 years instead of 10 or 14 is tough, i also know that it is harder for older dogs to get rescued. not to mention that her personality (as described) seems ideally suited to me and my living situation. i can't explain it, i've looked at hundreds of dog pics recently, and this one literally jumped out of the computer screen at me. so seriously people, cross your fingers that i will get the approval, and then that i will be able to breeze through the rescue process as quickly as possible!

if you need a little more incentive, check out the vid of the dog below:

a (nother) letter to a friend

dear cyra,

it's been a year and i'm writing another letter. i guess that's probably a pretty good indication that your loss still affects me. maybe it always will, or maybe it's been worse lately because this day has been on my radar for awhile. or maybe it's worse because my new job has me constantly interacting with or having conversations about animals--and most often, other dogs. all of my co-workers have dogs and cats, and every time someone asks me 'the question', i have to pause in order to keep it together long enough to explain why i don't. sometimes i'm more successful than others, and sometimes it results in embarrassing moments in trade show booths. the upside is that as far as embarrassing moments go, it's the right people to have it with.

last weekend my company hosted a charity function to benefit the animal cancer foundation. it wasn't your average charity function though. no black ties, no dual plate meals, no boring speakers. instead, over 500 people came out to walk their dogs along the peninsula in long beach. between the 90 degree temps and the backdrop of the queen mary and shoreline lighthouse the day was perfect for a dog walk.


i was up early saturday morning to help coordinate all of the setup, but during the 'race', i was posted along the 'route' to help keep the walkers on the right path. the types and sizes and ages of both the dogs and their people were all over the board. young and old, small and big. some dogs walking their owners, some owners carrying their dogs, sometimes in arms, sometimes in wagons. but the most significant moment for me was a dog-less one.


a middle-aged couple passed me sans dog and i asked if they weren't missing something. i said it jokingly, assuming there would be a family member with pooch, straggling behind. instead they turned away from me and pointed at the back of their t-shirts. on them was a picture of a dog, with the caption 'in memory'.


i almost choked on the realization of how insensitive my question must have seemed. but more importantly i finally came to terms with something. i'm not crazy. i'm not crazy for being so attached to you that one year later i still think about you all the time, and often with tears. i'm not crazy for still sleeping on my side so you can curl into your little ball at my stomach. i'm not crazy for feeling a slight twinge of guilt every time i consider getting another dog. or maybe i am crazy, but i'm not alone. you are quite literally my puppy love. and i'm not the only one who knows what that feels like.


last year at this time i felt the need to justify my attachment to you, and to explain why my grieving was so deep. this year i just acknowledge that for me, an animal's life has high value and yours, was priceless. as i watched hundreds of people and their canine companions pass by me on Saturday, it occurred to me that as humans, we owe you that. your love and loyalty are unconditional, and as a species you protect us, you comfort us, you serve us. the very least thing we can do to thank you for that is to mourn your loss when you go.


i continue to feel that loss. thank you for everything you added to my life. for helping me be a little less selfish and for keeping me sane. it's not the same without you. i hope that wherever doggy heaven is, that you are getting lots of belly rubs and milk bones there!

blog challenge: give me a reason

well, i am less angry today. the good news is, no tirades or finger pointing. the bad news is less anger=more sadness. my friend adam put it perfectly when he said that anger takes the edge off sadness. truer words were never spoken.

i don't know if you are like me, but i have watched many friends face difficult trials. i always feel helpless, knowing that words cannot take the place of a magic wand. and i always wish that there was something i could do. anything.

well, my friends, there is something you can do for me. maybe two somethings if the first applies.

i can't help but keep qualifying my sadness. logically i recognize that losing an animal is different than losing a friend or family member of the human variety. i have friends that have faced the latter, and a part of me thinks it's unfair not to acknowledge that. yet, emotionally i feel like a part of me just died and i want to be able to just be illogically sad for a little while. so. if you have lost someone close to you. i need your permission to grieve without caveats or exceptions. it doesn't matter how you give it..email, text message, comment on this post...i just need you to tell me that it's okay to feel as badly as i do (assuming you have not already done so).

the second something, which applies to everyone, is alluded to in the title of this post. my all-time greatest coping mechanism has been finding the 'reason' in the oft quoted phrase 'everything happens for a reason.' i understand that we don't always get to know why things happen, which is why i often just make things up. don't knock it. it works for me. at least it usually does.

this time, however, i haven't been able to come up with something i haven't also been able to talk myself out of shortly thereafter. this is where you come in. answer the question 'why?' the only rule is that it needs to stand up to scrutiny. it doesn't matter how far-fetched it might appear on the surface, how complicated or convoluted, whether it's thoughtful or delusional. funny is allowed. a good laugh would be much appreciated. use your imagination.

the one answer not on the table is this: maybe i need to live in a certain place that i couldn't have lived in with a dog, because my roommate is going to introduce me to my future husband.

i've already talked myself out of that one. everything else is fair game.

grieving

i understand that there are different stages of grieving. they cycle in, cycle out, overlap, disappear only to return with a vengeance. i also recognize that not all of these stages are rational. which brings me to today's wrath.

one comment.

i tell you all the my dog has been hit by a car, that my companion of 10 years is dead, and that garners one comment? (thank you corey and jill). there are a couple of people i've spoken with via telephone since wednesday, so you are off the hook.

everyone else... seriously?? is this how highly you value our friendship, that you can't be bothered to call me and see how i'm doing, or at the very least, comment on a friggin' blog post? too much effort?

i tried to cut everyone some slack, with it being the holiday and all. but it's monday. it's been five days people. the saddest, most difficult five days i can remember, and with a couple notable exceptions no one bothered to check in on me. my thanksgiving was spent alone and in tears, and every mass text message i got wishing me a happy thanksgiving made me want to throw my phone against the wall and scream.

maybe you just don't know what to say, or maybe you think it's silly that i'm mourning a dog. to the former "i'm sorry you're hurting," usually works pretty well, and to the latter, you obviously don't know me very well. whether or not you can understand why this is so difficult for me is irrelevant, the overwhelming apathy is not something i will easily be able to forget.

letter to a friend (11/19/97 - 11/21/07)

dear cyra,

i can’t sleep.

of course i can’t sleep. i’m too used to having you in bed beside me. it was hard enough to sleep during our temporary separation. now that it’s permanent, i wonder when i will sleep soundly again.

i can’t believe you’re gone. how is it that something can feel so real, and yet so completely impossible? i keep thinking i will wake up.

when i got you, about 10 years ago now, it was the first adult decision i’d ever made--choosing to be responsible for another living being, and knowing that it would mean making certain sacrifices. it’s hard to admit that sometimes those sacrifices were difficult to make, but never once did i regret the decision.

you were named cyra because it means ‘sun’, and your fur was so shiny and red. when i first became acquainted with patterdales, i thought i would end up with a black dog, since 95% of the breed has that trait. but you were the last of the litter, and the minute i saw your picture, i knew you belonged with me. your name was more appropriate than i ever would have imagined, and if you knew how much light you brought to my life, you would understand.

i was going to pick you up at christmas and bring you back with me, to resume your normal place at my side. you would have loved it here, and i was so excited to take you for walks on the beach, and let you enjoy the warm california sun. you always were a sun baby, lying for hours in the warmest spot you could find, whenever given the opportunity. in that regard, we were greatly alike.

they say that dogs take after their owners, and in your case i like to think that’s true. you were tough (remember picking that fight with riggins?), and yet so tender. playful and snuggly, always wanting to do things your way, and too smart for your own good. your sense of adventure and need for ‘escape’ has always paralleled my own. you know as well as anyone how much i hate feeling confined. i was always the type that, in three feet of snow, i’d go driving because i needed to know i could. you were much the same, always wanting to discover and explore, and i often felt guilty that you didn’t have more freedom to roam. but those restrictions came only from my own fear. fear that you would get lost, and that i wouldn’t be able to protect you. in the end, i guess that is exactly what happened.

i can’t help but feel guilty. about all kinds of things. i feel guilty that i am handling this so badly, when people i love have lost people they love. i feel guilty about imposing my sorrow on others, when they have their own sorrows to contend with. i feel guilty when errant thoughts pass through my brain like ‘it’s going to be a lot easier to find an apartment now.’ and i can’t help but think about what i could and should have done differently. i think about how i never intended to leave you for this long, and how maybe if i had told mom and dad to shake the treat box if you ever got away, you’d come right back, that maybe you would still be here. and of course, i can’t help feeling that i should have been there. even if there was nothing i could have done, just to have been there for you to know you hadn’t been forgotten or left behind. you hadn’t been abandoned, simply placed in the care of others who loved you, until i could make a place for us both here.

this is a day i have been dreading for many years, and never did i imagine it would come so quickly or abruptly. the more attached i became to you, and you to me, the more i worried about how i would cope when your life on earth came to an end. and to tell you the truth, i always thought that i would be married and have children when the time came to say goodbye. you have been with me through every major life change i’ve encountered, and i can’t quite reconcile that you won’t be here to experience the changes yet to come. it’s not fair.

you have been the one constant in my life. i already feel like my bearings are a bit ‘off’, and now i feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. i would have done anything to have you with me. i would have moved back to va, if i couldn’t find housing. i would have spent whatever money necessary to keep you here and in my life. if i knew that this unexpected, but relatively quick death, would save you from sickness or prolonged suffering in the future, there would be some comfort in that. and i am grateful that i never had to make a decision. i never had to decide if it was your time. i know now, that i would have been incapable of that decision. i would have wanted to keep you with me for as long as possible, under any circumstances. so, i suppose i’m glad that your quality of life never deteriorated...that you lived a healthy and happy life.

i hope that your last moments were not fearful ones, and i am so grateful that your little body remained in tact. the doctors at the emergency animal hospital seem to think that you suffered a concussion, and that your passing was nearly instantaneous. i hope with all my heart that they are right. the thought of you being scared or in pain is simply too much to bear.

i did my best to make sure that you felt neither of those things while we were together, but instead, somehow relay to you that you were loved and safe, and that your happiness was important to me. did you know just how much? did you know that every moment we spent together was a moment i was thankful for? that i never took for granted how much you enriched my life? that when i knelt in prayer, and expressed gratitude for my many blessings, your name was always spoken?

i have always felt you were a gift from god. that you were selected especially for me, to be what i needed you to be, just when i needed it. and i don’t know how, but you did always know what that was. every day, i could count on coming home to that expectant face and wagging tail. there was never any judgement when i got home later than usual, and you had to wait to go outside. always excitement and anticipation. whether it had been a good day or bad, it was always made better by walking through that door. and when life was especially hard, you always seemed to understand. no matter how much i wanted to wallow, or to be left alone, you simply wouldn’t allow it--not on your time. and now that i face a deeper sadness than i have yet known, you aren’t here to comfort me.

doggy self-portraits...just a few days before i left virginia

there are so many things i’ll miss. i’ll miss how much you loved to ‘sing’ along with sirens that came within earshot and how much you loved being near the water. i’ll miss our tug of war and always being amazed at how high that little body could jump! i’ll miss you licking my toes for what seemed like forever and how excited you got whenever you saw a squirrel. i’ll miss burying my face in your fur and resting my head on your stomach. i’ll miss your curiosity about the world around you and how fiercely you tried to protect me from strangers. i’ll miss having you slide under the covers with me. maybe that most of all. having you curl up into a little ball at my side, feeling your warmth, and knowing that tomorrow would be okay.

i have few fears in life, but one of the worst has now manifested. i no longer have to wonder how i will feel, how i will cope. i know, and it’s a knowledge i’d rather not have. there was no time to prepare, no gradual acceptance. my heart broke into pieces when i heard, and the healing of it is going to take a very long time. i feel your loss acutely, and wonder why. why now, why like this. but, i believe in a loving god, and i believe that no life is snuffed out without purpose. so i must trust in that, and give thanks for being entrusted with your care, even if it was shorter than i would have liked.

i believe that life exists beyond this mortal plane, and as such, that we will meet again. i have always loved the book ‘what dreams may come’ simply for the passage in which the main character arrives in heaven, and is immediately met by the faithful canine companion who shared his life. over the years, i have thought of that passage often, and simply cannot imagine a heaven in which such things don’t happen.

thank you for being such a loving and loyal companion. you loved me unconditionally, even when i didn’t deserve it. one day, i will be able to look back on our decade together wihout tears, and without sadness. you gave me so much joy in life, and one day, that will be what i remember, not how hard it was to lose you.

mom and dad will be picking you up this weekend on the way back, so they can take you home and bury your body in the backyard, under the bench. it’s the only thing i feel sure of. your body will be safe there, in a place that is familiar. i understand that your spirit no longer resides in that shell, and that it has returned to it’s true home. it seems fitting that your body should find rest at it’s home too. and of course, i need to somehow say goodbye. i wish that i had been able to hold you in my arms in your last moments. to rub your ears (you always loved that) and to tell you once more how much i loved you, and how grateful i was for you. i tried to tell you often in life, and pray that you understood what surpasses these inadequate words.

my dog cyra was hit by a car yesterday and did not survive.

happy thanksgiving.