Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Thursday, June 18, 2015
the graduates
Saturday, November 03, 2012
it's the best bad idea we have
i just couldn't stay away from argo. i try and be conscientious about movie ratings, but argo had my name written all over it.
first, it's ben affleck, who i've loved since good will hunting when everyone else was falling all over themselves to get in line behind matt damon. don't get me wrong, matt damon is great, but ben affleck has always been a little more "me". there was a time around those jennifer lopez years where i hid my love in a closet, but thankfully, the jennifer garner years (who doesn't love them some alias?) have allowed me to open that door, and open it wide.
more importantly though, i grew up in a world where employees of the "state department" were my sunday school teachers, middle-eastern souvenirs turned out to be live grenades, the words "assassination attempt" were part of my childhood vocabulary, and there was a day where my father sat in ronald reagan's oval office and was 'encouraged' to hold the iran-contra scandal he had discovered.
iran was a place i was aware of, even at a young age. in fact, despite the fact that we lived in a pretty "white" northern virginia suburb, my best neighborhood friend, bita, was first generation iranian-american.
i was fascinated by her. i loved listening to her speak farsi and tell stories about her home. in hindsight, i wonder if my dad found it ironic that during the time iran was so heavily featured on the world stage (and in his life) that it was also so relevant in my world, for completely different reasons.
at any rate, when i first heard about argo, i was excited and hesitant. i was too young (3) to remember any of the details of its non-fictional origin story, so i was curious and interested. it reminded me of my childhood after all (how many people equate iran and hostages with memories of their childhood, i ask you?). and it's also ben affleck. on the flip side, i've been on a run of crappy movie choices lately, and i didn't want to be disappointed by this one. i waited for the reviews to come in, and was blown away by the high rankings. and that made me even more hesitant. with great expectations comes the very large possibility that they will not be met.
but i got over it, and it's one of the few times my great expectations have been exceeded in a movie theater. after all, how does a movie where you already know the ending (spoiler alert: the hostages get out) keep you engaged and wondering what's going to happen next?!
somehow, it did. somehow knowing that there was a happy, real, ending, did not lessen one ounce of the tension i felt. i white-knuckled it through the particularly stressful moments and felt genuine concern for the characters, forgetting time and time again that they would in fact escape, and wondering which moment would be THE moment where it would all fall apart. it's what makes the movie genius. perfectly cast, acted, and directed, it gives you just enough, but not too much, and all at the right times and in the right ways. it's been a long time since a movie hit the mark for me like this one hit the mark.
and my last, lingering, thought, is one of gratitude. i am grateful for the unsung heroes. the ones whose faces don't make the six o'clock news, and whose names simply become stars carved on marble walls. and i am grateful for the sacrifices that i don't even know have been made in order to secure the freedoms that i and all other americans enjoy.
first, it's ben affleck, who i've loved since good will hunting when everyone else was falling all over themselves to get in line behind matt damon. don't get me wrong, matt damon is great, but ben affleck has always been a little more "me". there was a time around those jennifer lopez years where i hid my love in a closet, but thankfully, the jennifer garner years (who doesn't love them some alias?) have allowed me to open that door, and open it wide.
more importantly though, i grew up in a world where employees of the "state department" were my sunday school teachers, middle-eastern souvenirs turned out to be live grenades, the words "assassination attempt" were part of my childhood vocabulary, and there was a day where my father sat in ronald reagan's oval office and was 'encouraged' to hold the iran-contra scandal he had discovered.
iran was a place i was aware of, even at a young age. in fact, despite the fact that we lived in a pretty "white" northern virginia suburb, my best neighborhood friend, bita, was first generation iranian-american.
i was fascinated by her. i loved listening to her speak farsi and tell stories about her home. in hindsight, i wonder if my dad found it ironic that during the time iran was so heavily featured on the world stage (and in his life) that it was also so relevant in my world, for completely different reasons.
at any rate, when i first heard about argo, i was excited and hesitant. i was too young (3) to remember any of the details of its non-fictional origin story, so i was curious and interested. it reminded me of my childhood after all (how many people equate iran and hostages with memories of their childhood, i ask you?). and it's also ben affleck. on the flip side, i've been on a run of crappy movie choices lately, and i didn't want to be disappointed by this one. i waited for the reviews to come in, and was blown away by the high rankings. and that made me even more hesitant. with great expectations comes the very large possibility that they will not be met.
but i got over it, and it's one of the few times my great expectations have been exceeded in a movie theater. after all, how does a movie where you already know the ending (spoiler alert: the hostages get out) keep you engaged and wondering what's going to happen next?!
somehow, it did. somehow knowing that there was a happy, real, ending, did not lessen one ounce of the tension i felt. i white-knuckled it through the particularly stressful moments and felt genuine concern for the characters, forgetting time and time again that they would in fact escape, and wondering which moment would be THE moment where it would all fall apart. it's what makes the movie genius. perfectly cast, acted, and directed, it gives you just enough, but not too much, and all at the right times and in the right ways. it's been a long time since a movie hit the mark for me like this one hit the mark.
and my last, lingering, thought, is one of gratitude. i am grateful for the unsung heroes. the ones whose faces don't make the six o'clock news, and whose names simply become stars carved on marble walls. and i am grateful for the sacrifices that i don't even know have been made in order to secure the freedoms that i and all other americans enjoy.
Monday, May 28, 2012
memorial day
today a former co-worker and current facebook friend posted the following on his wall:
I've been gracious about this. But it doesn't feel right. Memorial day honors our fallen brothers and sisters who paid the ultimate price for our country. I am a veteran. I have a day in November. While I am proud of my service, it does not belong in the same book, page, paragraph or sentence with those whom we remember on memorial day. Today please honor those who's check was cashed.
earlier in the day i had read and 'liked' many posts honoring and thanking those who serve our country -- both past and present -- and hadn't given it much thought. his comment shook me from my complacent sense of general agreement to a more profound place of gratitude. memorial day, after all, is a day specifically dedicated to those who have sacrificed their lives in the service of our nation.
privileged to have grown up near the nation's capital, and to have spent a lifetime visiting us historic sites like gettysburg, little big horn, the uss arizona, etc., as well as having spent some time in the middle east during the first gulf war, i have a deep sense of humility and gratitude for those who were willing to risk, and indeed lost their lives, in the hopes of making and keeping this great nation great.
flawed though it may be, my travels have reinforced my belief in it's beauty, it's freedom, it's opportunity, and it's humanity. and today, i honor those who put on uniforms, never returning to the embraces of their loved ones, and i honor those, such as martin luther king, jr., who lost their lives in a different type of service to this nation. thank you for your courage and your sacrifice.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
a post to quiet the masses
my little cousin/nieces & nephews have a very subtle way of reminding me when i haven't posted in a while. they say things like 'hey, you need to post on your blog!' subtle, right?
cordy and i have been settling nicely into our new house. she's everything i could ask for in a canine companion, and this place is everything i could ask for in a home...minus the husband and kids, of course. ;)
cordy is a happy, sweet, and mellow dog. her tail is constantly wagging, usually with one of her front paws simultaneously lifted. i'm told that it's a jack russell characteristic, but i've never seen it before, and it sends me into giggle fits every time. she rarely barks and is an easy dog to have out and about or visiting at the cousins. she is an absolute joy.
her adjustment period has been remarkably smooth sailing. there have been a few 'marking' incidents, but wood and tile floors help relieve that stress while we work on stopping it entirely. despite her mostly laid back personality, she seems to have ended up as the alpha dog. she and suzy enjoy playing together, and she and lady, the lab mix and former alpha, are working out their relationship.
though they continue to settle in to the new hierarchy, it is not uncommon to find the three of them curled up on a bed somewhere..sometimes theirs, sometimes mine, sometimes heather's. initially cordy wasn't interested in sleeping with me (although she has been my shadow in every other way since i brought her home) , but after a few nights of sleeping nested in her bed on top of my bed, she has made the transition.
the first self-portrait
i've been doing some adjusting myself, but it has been remarkably easy. this house has been an answer to prayer in so many ways, and though the timing couldn't possibly have been worse, that in and of itself seems to be a testament to the 'rightness' of the situation.
there is a wonderful spirit about the house and we started to feel it as soon as we signed the lease. the landlords told us they were going to repaint everything and asked us what colors we'd like. they went above and beyond in a thousand+ ways. things like...putting in a screen door when we asked, replacing all of the light fixtures and letting us (heather) choose them, bringing us beautiful plants as housewarming gifts, etc., etc., etc.
could she be any cuter?
heather makes for an ideal roommate...we have similar taste (down to color schemes), we like things clean (don't laugh, mom), we love the dogs, and bonus, she cooks :D
so all in all, despite the crazy timing, and the fact that i'm convinced there are actually only 16 hours in a day (24..ha!) the last two (ish) weeks have been nothing short of amazing. i have a new home, i have a new dog!, i spent a weekend with my best friend (more on that in another post). happiness abounds.
cordy and i have been settling nicely into our new house. she's everything i could ask for in a canine companion, and this place is everything i could ask for in a home...minus the husband and kids, of course. ;)
cordy is a happy, sweet, and mellow dog. her tail is constantly wagging, usually with one of her front paws simultaneously lifted. i'm told that it's a jack russell characteristic, but i've never seen it before, and it sends me into giggle fits every time. she rarely barks and is an easy dog to have out and about or visiting at the cousins. she is an absolute joy.
her adjustment period has been remarkably smooth sailing. there have been a few 'marking' incidents, but wood and tile floors help relieve that stress while we work on stopping it entirely. despite her mostly laid back personality, she seems to have ended up as the alpha dog. she and suzy enjoy playing together, and she and lady, the lab mix and former alpha, are working out their relationship.
though they continue to settle in to the new hierarchy, it is not uncommon to find the three of them curled up on a bed somewhere..sometimes theirs, sometimes mine, sometimes heather's. initially cordy wasn't interested in sleeping with me (although she has been my shadow in every other way since i brought her home) , but after a few nights of sleeping nested in her bed on top of my bed, she has made the transition.
the first self-portraiti've been doing some adjusting myself, but it has been remarkably easy. this house has been an answer to prayer in so many ways, and though the timing couldn't possibly have been worse, that in and of itself seems to be a testament to the 'rightness' of the situation.
there is a wonderful spirit about the house and we started to feel it as soon as we signed the lease. the landlords told us they were going to repaint everything and asked us what colors we'd like. they went above and beyond in a thousand+ ways. things like...putting in a screen door when we asked, replacing all of the light fixtures and letting us (heather) choose them, bringing us beautiful plants as housewarming gifts, etc., etc., etc.
could she be any cuter?heather makes for an ideal roommate...we have similar taste (down to color schemes), we like things clean (don't laugh, mom), we love the dogs, and bonus, she cooks :D
so all in all, despite the crazy timing, and the fact that i'm convinced there are actually only 16 hours in a day (24..ha!) the last two (ish) weeks have been nothing short of amazing. i have a new home, i have a new dog!, i spent a weekend with my best friend (more on that in another post). happiness abounds.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
that's it. i've had it.
(warning: self-pity commences in ...3...2...1....)
exactly how much rejection and disappointment is considered 'normal'? is there not a threshold, and if so, haven't i already hit it? how many times can you pick yourself back up after getting the wind knocked out of you? i guess 'this many' times, because i'm done. i'm just gonna stay down this time. getting back on my feet isn't really getting me anywhere. raised hopes. shattered expectations.
this time, courtesy of one date wonder, part 2, who, not only have i not heard from since our good date, but who has actually ignored the attempt at contact i made. bad dog. where did you learn this bad behavior? shame on you.
i realize i've thrown out the 'i'm done' before, but that was all in preparation for this time apparently, because i really, really don't think i can take anymore. for the first time i'm finding gratitude (the one thing that has continually kept me going) completely elusive, and i'm just done. somehow i'll find a way to be content in my stagnation while the world moves on around me. no really, i will. i just have to learn to accept the mediocrity that is my life. somehow find happiness in ordering electricity for a trade show booth rather than teaching my children about literature and honesty and sharing. trade show booths need electricity after all, right?
exactly how much rejection and disappointment is considered 'normal'? is there not a threshold, and if so, haven't i already hit it? how many times can you pick yourself back up after getting the wind knocked out of you? i guess 'this many' times, because i'm done. i'm just gonna stay down this time. getting back on my feet isn't really getting me anywhere. raised hopes. shattered expectations.
this time, courtesy of one date wonder, part 2, who, not only have i not heard from since our good date, but who has actually ignored the attempt at contact i made. bad dog. where did you learn this bad behavior? shame on you.
i realize i've thrown out the 'i'm done' before, but that was all in preparation for this time apparently, because i really, really don't think i can take anymore. for the first time i'm finding gratitude (the one thing that has continually kept me going) completely elusive, and i'm just done. somehow i'll find a way to be content in my stagnation while the world moves on around me. no really, i will. i just have to learn to accept the mediocrity that is my life. somehow find happiness in ordering electricity for a trade show booth rather than teaching my children about literature and honesty and sharing. trade show booths need electricity after all, right?
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
good news tues
good news item #1: a big 'welcome to the world, kid' goes out to the newest addition in the burk family. news this morning is that little noah was born 4 weeks early (don't freak out lara), weighs in at 7lbs 3oz and 20", and is doing well, along with his mama. while i'm a little annoyed that they stole one of my names :D i couldn't be more excited for corey and jill! as a sidenote, corey's response when i gave him a hard time about the name was 'first come, first served'. :)
good news item #2: after much persuasion, cajoling, brow beating and begging (okay, maybe that's a tad dramatic) my family has decided/agreed/succumbed to having christmas '09 in california. i can't necessarily explain why it is that i'm sooo excited about this, except that i can't wait to show them the place i live and have come (quickly) to love. that and hanging out with kendyl at disneyland, of course! already i'm trying to decide what my favorite favorite california things are, and it's tough whittling it down. it's definitely a break in tradition, but i think and hope it will be a fantastic experience for everyone!
good news item #3: i am finally done with t-mobile. the phone company, not the blog title. i switched to them a year ago thinking it would save me money. yeah, not so much. not only has it not saved me money, but some date entry punk inputted a completely different social security number than my actual one when my account was set up. so i have spend hours upon hours both in the store on the phone trying to make the correction so that i could actually 'manage' my account. the only thing i have been able to do is pay my bill (shocker), but i haven't been able to make any changes to my account (which would have helped with the whole money thing). i finally was able to get it fixed yesterday when i told them that whoever's ssn it REALLY was, was going to be pretty ticked when their credit rating got screwed up by an account they never had. somehow magically, it was all fixable after that. and since my contract is up, and the ssn corrected, i was able to get out. so for my t-mobile friends (all two of you) no more mobile to mobile...sorry. to my att family and friends, i'm here, call me ;)
good news item #4: i am loving loving loving tamara's little 'project blog'. tam and i go way back now (see, i even call her 'tam'), although we've still never met. i am constantly amazed at her eloquence and perspective, but most recently i am completely entertained and grateful for the reminder that single ain't so bad--especially when you take yourself out of the dating pressure cooker once in awhile, and open yourself up to new experiences people. her 'project' was to take on 31 dates in 31 days, to commemorate her recent birthday and try something new. she's blogging her dates here, and you should check it out! she's well underway, but it's not too late to join the bandwagon - you won't regret it.
good news item #5: i'm grateful for the things i done. you can no longer go up or inside kukulcan's temple at chichen itza (stupid vandals). you can no longer visit the statue of liberty's crown (stupid terrorism) and you can no longer snowmobile in yellowstone (stupid nature. um. well, not stupid nature, but you know what i mean). all things i've done that people can't DO anymore. i'm grateful for a family who loves to explore and experience and for the memories these have left behind.
good news item #2: after much persuasion, cajoling, brow beating and begging (okay, maybe that's a tad dramatic) my family has decided/agreed/succumbed to having christmas '09 in california. i can't necessarily explain why it is that i'm sooo excited about this, except that i can't wait to show them the place i live and have come (quickly) to love. that and hanging out with kendyl at disneyland, of course! already i'm trying to decide what my favorite favorite california things are, and it's tough whittling it down. it's definitely a break in tradition, but i think and hope it will be a fantastic experience for everyone!
good news item #3: i am finally done with t-mobile. the phone company, not the blog title. i switched to them a year ago thinking it would save me money. yeah, not so much. not only has it not saved me money, but some date entry punk inputted a completely different social security number than my actual one when my account was set up. so i have spend hours upon hours both in the store on the phone trying to make the correction so that i could actually 'manage' my account. the only thing i have been able to do is pay my bill (shocker), but i haven't been able to make any changes to my account (which would have helped with the whole money thing). i finally was able to get it fixed yesterday when i told them that whoever's ssn it REALLY was, was going to be pretty ticked when their credit rating got screwed up by an account they never had. somehow magically, it was all fixable after that. and since my contract is up, and the ssn corrected, i was able to get out. so for my t-mobile friends (all two of you) no more mobile to mobile...sorry. to my att family and friends, i'm here, call me ;)
good news item #4: i am loving loving loving tamara's little 'project blog'. tam and i go way back now (see, i even call her 'tam'), although we've still never met. i am constantly amazed at her eloquence and perspective, but most recently i am completely entertained and grateful for the reminder that single ain't so bad--especially when you take yourself out of the dating pressure cooker once in awhile, and open yourself up to new experiences people. her 'project' was to take on 31 dates in 31 days, to commemorate her recent birthday and try something new. she's blogging her dates here, and you should check it out! she's well underway, but it's not too late to join the bandwagon - you won't regret it.
good news item #5: i'm grateful for the things i done. you can no longer go up or inside kukulcan's temple at chichen itza (stupid vandals). you can no longer visit the statue of liberty's crown (stupid terrorism) and you can no longer snowmobile in yellowstone (stupid nature. um. well, not stupid nature, but you know what i mean). all things i've done that people can't DO anymore. i'm grateful for a family who loves to explore and experience and for the memories these have left behind.
Saturday, November 01, 2008
behind...again
seriously, where is the time going? at the moment, i'm sitting in a hotel room in san diego coloring my hair. multi-tasking has always been a strong suit of mine.
i'm here for my first trade show with the new company. blech on trade shows. but pretty dang cool that i get to be around people all day who are crazy about animals like i am crazy about animals. on the show floor today were a couple of snow white great pyrenese, an oversized black rabbit of some sort, and a multitude of pet and veterinary related products. it's making my recent acceptance that another dog might be in my future (not immediate, but forseeable), seem a little more imminent.
though of course, there is always the housing situation to be dealt with. said housing situation has varied from barely tolerable to outright hell since i moved in in february. after months of drunk strangers (guests of my roommates) making life intolerable in multitudinous ways, i am finally getting out! i have no idea where i am going yet (though i plan to stay in huntington), but i don't care. thanks to my prayers and those of others, i have finally found a replacement, and have a couple weeks to figure it out. :) that little smiley face says a lot. the fact that i would actually be excited about moving (my least favorite thing on the planet) says much about how bad it has been.
but, truth be told, it's been the only bad thing in my life, and for that i'm grateful. the rest of my utah trip was amazing. i attended my first general conference session ever (thanks to my cousin mel, and my cousin jan for giving me the tivket mel had offered her).
corey played hookey and we hit the alpine loop for a taste of fall.
i spent time with cousin katie (and mel)
went to hogle zoo with my friend and former co-worker charity.
visited friends heidi and dave, who i haven't seen since their move to utah years ago! the visit was an invite i issued to myself, that went like this:
ring. ring.
dave: hello?
me: hey dave, it's tara
dave: hey tara!
me: what are you guys up to?
dave: heidi is at costco and i'm just hanging out
me: do you have wireless internet?
dave: we do:)
me: can i come over?
dave: yep!
met cousin laurie's new baby laynie and played with zach and parker.
attended the 'legend of sleepy hollow' with corey, jill, and long time friend emilie, to watch her husband pat pursue his love of acting.
talked melanie and friends into visiting a haunted house with me.
met cousin jan (with aunt shannon) for a delicious meal.
played laser tag and arcade games, and raced go karts with cousin pam and her new husband ben.
headed southeast to arches national park (another stamp in the national parks passport) where i hiked (yes, I hiked!) up to delicate arch.
left arches just in time to hit canyonlands national park (one more stamp) for an incredible sunset.
got dumped on by a surpise snowstorm in scary scary mountain passes in southern utah Trust me, this pic doesn't do it justice).
and finished off the trip by meeting corey and jill at zions national park (already HAD that stamp!)
needless to say, it was an AMAZING trip.
much more goodness has happened since my return, but that will have to wait for another post!
i'm here for my first trade show with the new company. blech on trade shows. but pretty dang cool that i get to be around people all day who are crazy about animals like i am crazy about animals. on the show floor today were a couple of snow white great pyrenese, an oversized black rabbit of some sort, and a multitude of pet and veterinary related products. it's making my recent acceptance that another dog might be in my future (not immediate, but forseeable), seem a little more imminent.
though of course, there is always the housing situation to be dealt with. said housing situation has varied from barely tolerable to outright hell since i moved in in february. after months of drunk strangers (guests of my roommates) making life intolerable in multitudinous ways, i am finally getting out! i have no idea where i am going yet (though i plan to stay in huntington), but i don't care. thanks to my prayers and those of others, i have finally found a replacement, and have a couple weeks to figure it out. :) that little smiley face says a lot. the fact that i would actually be excited about moving (my least favorite thing on the planet) says much about how bad it has been.
but, truth be told, it's been the only bad thing in my life, and for that i'm grateful. the rest of my utah trip was amazing. i attended my first general conference session ever (thanks to my cousin mel, and my cousin jan for giving me the tivket mel had offered her).
corey played hookey and we hit the alpine loop for a taste of fall.
i spent time with cousin katie (and mel)
went to hogle zoo with my friend and former co-worker charity.
visited friends heidi and dave, who i haven't seen since their move to utah years ago! the visit was an invite i issued to myself, that went like this:
ring. ring.
dave: hello?
me: hey dave, it's tara
dave: hey tara!
me: what are you guys up to?
dave: heidi is at costco and i'm just hanging out
me: do you have wireless internet?
dave: we do:)
me: can i come over?
dave: yep!
met cousin laurie's new baby laynie and played with zach and parker.
attended the 'legend of sleepy hollow' with corey, jill, and long time friend emilie, to watch her husband pat pursue his love of acting.
talked melanie and friends into visiting a haunted house with me.
met cousin jan (with aunt shannon) for a delicious meal.
played laser tag and arcade games, and raced go karts with cousin pam and her new husband ben.
headed southeast to arches national park (another stamp in the national parks passport) where i hiked (yes, I hiked!) up to delicate arch.
left arches just in time to hit canyonlands national park (one more stamp) for an incredible sunset.
got dumped on by a surpise snowstorm in scary scary mountain passes in southern utah Trust me, this pic doesn't do it justice).
and finished off the trip by meeting corey and jill at zions national park (already HAD that stamp!)
needless to say, it was an AMAZING trip.
much more goodness has happened since my return, but that will have to wait for another post!
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
dear friends,
you are amazing. i am so lucky to have you, and i most definitely don't tell you that enough. thank you for your love and your concern.
let me reassure you that i am fine. not 'happy on the outside, dying on the inside' fine, TRULY fine. my recent return to singledom comes not with heartbreak, only with some disappointment at having to start over again.
i don't want to minimize the relationship by saying 'it's not that big of a deal', but in some senses, it's not. i certainly saw potential and hoped to see it realized, but i am old enough and FINALLY smart enough not to drag out something that is simply not meant to be!
there is no anger, frustration, misunderstanding, or regret. i enjoyed my time with him, and i care about him. he is a good man, and i expect that we will remain friends. long distance friends who talk every few months or so, but friends:)
i'm excited about staying in california. halle-freaking-lujah!! no offense to my portlandians, but that was an adjustment i wasn't super confident about. life is coming together here, and i'm feeling 'whole' in a way i never have before. i've been getting things in order, and not to sound all feng shue zen masterish, but i have been finding me, and i am loving the process.
i will say that i am over the online/long distance thing for awhile. which means i'm probably over dating for awhile (i don't know why--it just seems to work that way!), and that's okay. there is much adventuring and learning and settling (and job hunting) left to be done . so, here i go!
let me reassure you that i am fine. not 'happy on the outside, dying on the inside' fine, TRULY fine. my recent return to singledom comes not with heartbreak, only with some disappointment at having to start over again.
i don't want to minimize the relationship by saying 'it's not that big of a deal', but in some senses, it's not. i certainly saw potential and hoped to see it realized, but i am old enough and FINALLY smart enough not to drag out something that is simply not meant to be!
there is no anger, frustration, misunderstanding, or regret. i enjoyed my time with him, and i care about him. he is a good man, and i expect that we will remain friends. long distance friends who talk every few months or so, but friends:)
i'm excited about staying in california. halle-freaking-lujah!! no offense to my portlandians, but that was an adjustment i wasn't super confident about. life is coming together here, and i'm feeling 'whole' in a way i never have before. i've been getting things in order, and not to sound all feng shue zen masterish, but i have been finding me, and i am loving the process.
i will say that i am over the online/long distance thing for awhile. which means i'm probably over dating for awhile (i don't know why--it just seems to work that way!), and that's okay. there is much adventuring and learning and settling (and job hunting) left to be done . so, here i go!
Sunday, June 22, 2008
dear parents,
you know how i always say i got the best of both of you and all my flaws are my own? well at least on a physical level, i finally have proof :)
thanks to heidi for sharing!
for the record, dylan looks 19% more like mom, and kate 6% (also more like mom)
thanks to heidi for sharing!
for the record, dylan looks 19% more like mom, and kate 6% (also more like mom)
Thursday, June 05, 2008
the difficult thing about having a life is blogging about having a life! as a result, you are going to have to make do with summaries instead of novellas.
1. the visit (sounds like a weird horror movie title, doesn’t it?)
it’s safe to say that the visit did not go exactly as planned. i plan for perfection after all, and perfection isn’t reality. between lack of sleep, actual physical illness (his), timing issues (mine), and too serious conversations, the weekend was slightly challenging. that being said, it was also really great. we visited the wild animal park in san diego
had dinner with my old bishop and his wife,
gave the cousins a chance to grill him at sunday dinner, rode awesome rides at magic mountain,
and enjoyed the beach.
on a sidenote: emily, trish, amy, and the few others i’m sure i’m forgetting at this very moment – rich and billye send their love. i gave them all the updates i could!)
i feel lucky to have met such a great guy, and am excited to see what the future holds! it was hard to say goodbye, but i should be in portland again at the end of the month, so somehow, i’ll make due.
2. the shower
last night was my boss’ baby shower, so after work i headed to holly and charity’s for the shindig. they live out on balboa island, which though close to me, is unexplored territory. it was absolutely darling, and i will definitely have to go back one of these weekends to pop into all of the cute little shops. there is so much adventuring i have yet to do and hopefully some exciting news (see #3) may motivate me a little (or a lot) more.
being completely honest here, i kind of hate showers of any sort, but there were great people and great food. it was a pleasant surprise to have such a good time! i genuinely enjoy my co-workers and it was fun to interact with them in a different environment.
on top of that, i saw something at the house that i must have. it’s a sign similar to the one below:
so so true.
3. import friends
a couple of months ago deb was seriously talking about moving to california. i had to keep that on the dl as she worked through things, and ultimately, for the moment, she has decided to stay put in ny :( but, while she was processing and planning, she tried to talk one of her new york friends, into moving out here.
i’ve known mehaela for many years through deb, and through some other common acquaintances , and she is absolutely fantastic. well, unbeknownst to me, she is originally from the area (well originally from romania, but whatever), and though she never anticipated or planned on leaving new york, deb was so persuasive (she’s regretting it now!), that mehaela is moving here in july. and not just ‘here’, but huntington. we’ll be in the same ward, and i will finally have someone to go explore with! i actually feel really badly for deb. this means her two closest friends will not just be living on the other side of the country, but in the same city as one another. life is both strange and wonderful sometimes!
4. ticket to ride
i finally bought tickets for ‘pageant of the masters’ and i couldn’t be more excited. if you are already wondering (i’m sure you are) what i would be doing for my birthday, on august 27, now you know. i will be watching people pretend to be art through binoculars in laguna beach. how seriously cool is that?
i also bought tickets for joshua radin, and i will be celebrating my pre-birthday weekend (august 23rd) with him. though i’ve been obsessed for a long long time, i managed to miss him every time he played baltimore (which for some reason, was a lot). unfortunately, he doesn't play here as frequently (this is the first time that i know of), so i have been vigilant in watching and waiting. i will finally see him live, and i have a couple months to figure out how to kidnap him, and put him in a box where every time i open the lid, he sings lovely tonight, or sky, or fear you won’t fall. he doesn't even have to spin in place while he sings. aren't i generous?
5. anniebean...
...will be here in just over a week. ‘nuff said!
1. the visit (sounds like a weird horror movie title, doesn’t it?)
it’s safe to say that the visit did not go exactly as planned. i plan for perfection after all, and perfection isn’t reality. between lack of sleep, actual physical illness (his), timing issues (mine), and too serious conversations, the weekend was slightly challenging. that being said, it was also really great. we visited the wild animal park in san diego
had dinner with my old bishop and his wife,
gave the cousins a chance to grill him at sunday dinner, rode awesome rides at magic mountain,
and enjoyed the beach.on a sidenote: emily, trish, amy, and the few others i’m sure i’m forgetting at this very moment – rich and billye send their love. i gave them all the updates i could!)
i feel lucky to have met such a great guy, and am excited to see what the future holds! it was hard to say goodbye, but i should be in portland again at the end of the month, so somehow, i’ll make due.
2. the shower
last night was my boss’ baby shower, so after work i headed to holly and charity’s for the shindig. they live out on balboa island, which though close to me, is unexplored territory. it was absolutely darling, and i will definitely have to go back one of these weekends to pop into all of the cute little shops. there is so much adventuring i have yet to do and hopefully some exciting news (see #3) may motivate me a little (or a lot) more.
being completely honest here, i kind of hate showers of any sort, but there were great people and great food. it was a pleasant surprise to have such a good time! i genuinely enjoy my co-workers and it was fun to interact with them in a different environment.on top of that, i saw something at the house that i must have. it’s a sign similar to the one below:
so so true.3. import friends
a couple of months ago deb was seriously talking about moving to california. i had to keep that on the dl as she worked through things, and ultimately, for the moment, she has decided to stay put in ny :( but, while she was processing and planning, she tried to talk one of her new york friends, into moving out here.
i’ve known mehaela for many years through deb, and through some other common acquaintances , and she is absolutely fantastic. well, unbeknownst to me, she is originally from the area (well originally from romania, but whatever), and though she never anticipated or planned on leaving new york, deb was so persuasive (she’s regretting it now!), that mehaela is moving here in july. and not just ‘here’, but huntington. we’ll be in the same ward, and i will finally have someone to go explore with! i actually feel really badly for deb. this means her two closest friends will not just be living on the other side of the country, but in the same city as one another. life is both strange and wonderful sometimes!
4. ticket to ride
i finally bought tickets for ‘pageant of the masters’ and i couldn’t be more excited. if you are already wondering (i’m sure you are) what i would be doing for my birthday, on august 27, now you know. i will be watching people pretend to be art through binoculars in laguna beach. how seriously cool is that?
i also bought tickets for joshua radin, and i will be celebrating my pre-birthday weekend (august 23rd) with him. though i’ve been obsessed for a long long time, i managed to miss him every time he played baltimore (which for some reason, was a lot). unfortunately, he doesn't play here as frequently (this is the first time that i know of), so i have been vigilant in watching and waiting. i will finally see him live, and i have a couple months to figure out how to kidnap him, and put him in a box where every time i open the lid, he sings lovely tonight, or sky, or fear you won’t fall. he doesn't even have to spin in place while he sings. aren't i generous?
5. anniebean...
...will be here in just over a week. ‘nuff said!
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
vegas baby: a blog in three parts
act 1:
four hours and six minutes until i can officially close up shop here at the show. the tumbleweeds keep rolling past my booth and the pigeons have flown in to reclaim their territory (yeah, not kidding on the latter).
the good news is, i survived. i survived arriving at the airport to learn that i was only allowed one bag and not two (finally, not watching the news bites me in the behind). i survived the flight delayed due to ‘mechanical’ problems. i survived 109 degree temperatures. i survived manning a trade show booth for the first time in my life. i survived the questions i didn’t have answers for. i survived the intense amount of pain in my quads, developed by the equivalent of doing squats 8 hours a day for three days straight. up down. up down. up down.
and i also managed to finish ‘the host’ (more on this at another time), see an amazing show, meet a lot of great people, spend quality time with my boss, not lose a dime, and enjoy the bathtub in my room. twice. every day. quads and all…
ironically, i’m kind of a first timer at this. don’t get me wrong, i’ve worked on too many trade shows for my liking. but this is the first time i have taken it from booth conceptualization to onsite show management. i’ve coordinated drayage and shipping and electrical and carpet. but i’ve never led the design process and the marketing, and i have most certainly never been the ‘face’ of the company. even with eleven years in, there is still something new, and that is exciting.
i still can’t say i like trade shows any better than i did. but, i do like to do different things, face new challenges, and expand the repertoire. there isn’t a lot i haven’t done in this industry. i’ve “thrown” chairs. i’ve pulled air walls. i’ve conducted site searches. i’ve learned how to negotiate contracts. i’ve learned how to work with operations staff earning minimum wage, and executive staff earning more than i’ll make in my lifetime. short of sales (and my desire for ‘something different’ does not reach that far), there is no single part of the industry that i haven’t been involved in at some time.
i love what i do. i always have. and i’ve been lucky and blessed. i’ve spent 95% of my career working at good companies, with and for good people. i don’t know how many can truly say that. for a long time, i felt the need to justify that i never finished my degree. at 20 years old, and only part way through my schooling, i was offered a choice. finish school to earn a degree that would help me get a job i really wanted, or take the job offered to me, that i really wanted.
unfortunately, i couldn’t do both. the travel required by the job i was being offered would preclude any formal education, and in those days, there were no such thing as online degrees. maybe i should be more embarrassed by this, but for me, it was a no brainer. and never once have i regretted that decision.
that’s not to say i haven’t had to explain it a few-hundred times over the years—particularly to potential employers. but in the end, it didn’t matter. i never felt that it prevented me from being offered a job, and a few years ago, employers stopped asking. every once in a blue moon, it will still come up. but with 11 years in, it’s certainly not deterring me.
i don’t typically think of a profession as a ‘calling’, but there is no doubt in my mind that there was some divine guidance in mine. and with every good experience i have, good company, good co-workers, good boss..it is reaffirmed.
this particular show was the first time shauna and i have traveled together, and it only furthered my respect and appreciation of her as both boss and colleague. though i will stand by my initial assessment of her from my interviewing days—that i’ve never met someone so hard to read—it’s for completely different reasons than i would have guessed. i think as a culture we are trained on a very subtle level to distrust. so many hidden agendas, so much spin, so many walls. what you see is not what you get, and if it seems to good to be true, it probably is…right?
well, not so with shauna—at least, her hidden agendas aren’t hidden, her spin isn’t spun, and are walls are pretty easy to hop over. even though i am much the same way, it still can be slightly jarring at first. it took a little time to realize that it’s not so much that she was ever hard to read, but more that i assumed that that the façade was just that, a façade. perhaps true, but perhaps not the whole story.
i don’t mean to imply that she has no depth, or that she can’t hold her tongue when necessary, but, i know that when she tells me something it’s because it’s true. she is direct, she is decisive, and she is fair. she trusts people to do their jobs and only steps in to guide when direction or course correction is actually needed.
as such, she has earned my loyalty too, and her respect matters to me. beyond that though, this trip gave me the chance to see that i also genuinely enjoy her as a person, not just as a boss.
there have been many people who have shown generosity to me over the years, in a variety of ways. i am always profoundly grateful, and always a bit surprised. maybe because i know that at heart, i’m selfish and i have to work not to be, it always amazes me that there are people who at the very core of their beings are selfless. selflessness is a trait i haven’t mastered, but i have seen it time and time again in people i’ve been fortunate enough to know.
it presents itself in many ways, but on this trip, it presented itself in the form of tickets. tickets to cirque du soleil ‘love’.
scene - las vegas convention center, icsc, 162 f street, 12:54pm
four hours and six minutes until i can officially close up shop here at the show. the tumbleweeds keep rolling past my booth and the pigeons have flown in to reclaim their territory (yeah, not kidding on the latter).
the good news is, i survived. i survived arriving at the airport to learn that i was only allowed one bag and not two (finally, not watching the news bites me in the behind). i survived the flight delayed due to ‘mechanical’ problems. i survived 109 degree temperatures. i survived manning a trade show booth for the first time in my life. i survived the questions i didn’t have answers for. i survived the intense amount of pain in my quads, developed by the equivalent of doing squats 8 hours a day for three days straight. up down. up down. up down.
and i also managed to finish ‘the host’ (more on this at another time), see an amazing show, meet a lot of great people, spend quality time with my boss, not lose a dime, and enjoy the bathtub in my room. twice. every day. quads and all…
ironically, i’m kind of a first timer at this. don’t get me wrong, i’ve worked on too many trade shows for my liking. but this is the first time i have taken it from booth conceptualization to onsite show management. i’ve coordinated drayage and shipping and electrical and carpet. but i’ve never led the design process and the marketing, and i have most certainly never been the ‘face’ of the company. even with eleven years in, there is still something new, and that is exciting.
i still can’t say i like trade shows any better than i did. but, i do like to do different things, face new challenges, and expand the repertoire. there isn’t a lot i haven’t done in this industry. i’ve “thrown” chairs. i’ve pulled air walls. i’ve conducted site searches. i’ve learned how to negotiate contracts. i’ve learned how to work with operations staff earning minimum wage, and executive staff earning more than i’ll make in my lifetime. short of sales (and my desire for ‘something different’ does not reach that far), there is no single part of the industry that i haven’t been involved in at some time.
i love what i do. i always have. and i’ve been lucky and blessed. i’ve spent 95% of my career working at good companies, with and for good people. i don’t know how many can truly say that. for a long time, i felt the need to justify that i never finished my degree. at 20 years old, and only part way through my schooling, i was offered a choice. finish school to earn a degree that would help me get a job i really wanted, or take the job offered to me, that i really wanted.
unfortunately, i couldn’t do both. the travel required by the job i was being offered would preclude any formal education, and in those days, there were no such thing as online degrees. maybe i should be more embarrassed by this, but for me, it was a no brainer. and never once have i regretted that decision.
that’s not to say i haven’t had to explain it a few-hundred times over the years—particularly to potential employers. but in the end, it didn’t matter. i never felt that it prevented me from being offered a job, and a few years ago, employers stopped asking. every once in a blue moon, it will still come up. but with 11 years in, it’s certainly not deterring me.
i don’t typically think of a profession as a ‘calling’, but there is no doubt in my mind that there was some divine guidance in mine. and with every good experience i have, good company, good co-workers, good boss..it is reaffirmed.
this particular show was the first time shauna and i have traveled together, and it only furthered my respect and appreciation of her as both boss and colleague. though i will stand by my initial assessment of her from my interviewing days—that i’ve never met someone so hard to read—it’s for completely different reasons than i would have guessed. i think as a culture we are trained on a very subtle level to distrust. so many hidden agendas, so much spin, so many walls. what you see is not what you get, and if it seems to good to be true, it probably is…right?
well, not so with shauna—at least, her hidden agendas aren’t hidden, her spin isn’t spun, and are walls are pretty easy to hop over. even though i am much the same way, it still can be slightly jarring at first. it took a little time to realize that it’s not so much that she was ever hard to read, but more that i assumed that that the façade was just that, a façade. perhaps true, but perhaps not the whole story.
i don’t mean to imply that she has no depth, or that she can’t hold her tongue when necessary, but, i know that when she tells me something it’s because it’s true. she is direct, she is decisive, and she is fair. she trusts people to do their jobs and only steps in to guide when direction or course correction is actually needed.
as such, she has earned my loyalty too, and her respect matters to me. beyond that though, this trip gave me the chance to see that i also genuinely enjoy her as a person, not just as a boss.
there have been many people who have shown generosity to me over the years, in a variety of ways. i am always profoundly grateful, and always a bit surprised. maybe because i know that at heart, i’m selfish and i have to work not to be, it always amazes me that there are people who at the very core of their beings are selfless. selflessness is a trait i haven’t mastered, but i have seen it time and time again in people i’ve been fortunate enough to know.
it presents itself in many ways, but on this trip, it presented itself in the form of tickets. tickets to cirque du soleil ‘love’.
- intermission -
Monday, May 05, 2008
today is a good day because...
= yummy mexican food at work
= someone got his tickets, and may 30 can't come soon enough!Sunday, January 13, 2008
living the life i've imagined
If one advances confidently in the direction of one's dreams, and endeavors to live the life which one has imagined, one will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.
-Henry David Thoreau
it is safe to say that in endeavoring to live the life i've imagined, i have most certainly met with a success unexpected. the last month has been filled with successes, so many in fact, that it has been difficult to know where to start blogging about them.
the most recent success is that of having found a place to live. i have been so blessed to have such wonderful extended family members who have welcomed me into their home, and allowed me time to get my bearings. and it seems it is finally all coming together. this week, i visited three houses with open rooms, and any one of them would have been a good option--so much so that it made the decision difficult. ultimately, i decided on one that i absolutely fell in love with. the house itself is quite large, and is the kind of place that i would be proud to have family and friends come to visit (hint hint). the fact that it is a 1/2 mile from the beach certainly doesn't hurt.
when i consider that several years ago, i came to huntington beach for work, and verbalized that were i ever to move to california, i would live here, i can think of no better example of living the life i've imagined. in my wildest dreams, i could not have guessed that that would become my reality only a few years later. and yet sometime in the near future, i see a bike. a bike with a basket, loaded with beach towels, snacks and some good reading material. this bike will be pink, and i will be on it on a beautiful saturday afternoon.
another great success was my time at home over the holidays. in fact, it may have been one of the most perfect family 'reunions' one has a right to hope for. though an exception must be made for the time and emotion spent coping with and healing from cyra's passing (made all too clear again by going home), it was truly a joyful time, full of laughter and love. the family was all together again for the first time in a long time, and my 11 days back in virginia flew far more quickly than i would have liked or expected.
the time was passed at various family gatherings, at kate's home, at the chapman's, and even at williamsburg and jamestown for a little sightseeing. a detailed recapping would take far too long, but the many many pictures taken by both dylan and i tell the story well. these are some of my faves:
kate's christmas party provided a wonderful opportunity to spend
quality time with both her and kendyl (aka cutest neice ever)
the most recent success is that of having found a place to live. i have been so blessed to have such wonderful extended family members who have welcomed me into their home, and allowed me time to get my bearings. and it seems it is finally all coming together. this week, i visited three houses with open rooms, and any one of them would have been a good option--so much so that it made the decision difficult. ultimately, i decided on one that i absolutely fell in love with. the house itself is quite large, and is the kind of place that i would be proud to have family and friends come to visit (hint hint). the fact that it is a 1/2 mile from the beach certainly doesn't hurt.
when i consider that several years ago, i came to huntington beach for work, and verbalized that were i ever to move to california, i would live here, i can think of no better example of living the life i've imagined. in my wildest dreams, i could not have guessed that that would become my reality only a few years later. and yet sometime in the near future, i see a bike. a bike with a basket, loaded with beach towels, snacks and some good reading material. this bike will be pink, and i will be on it on a beautiful saturday afternoon.
another great success was my time at home over the holidays. in fact, it may have been one of the most perfect family 'reunions' one has a right to hope for. though an exception must be made for the time and emotion spent coping with and healing from cyra's passing (made all too clear again by going home), it was truly a joyful time, full of laughter and love. the family was all together again for the first time in a long time, and my 11 days back in virginia flew far more quickly than i would have liked or expected.
the time was passed at various family gatherings, at kate's home, at the chapman's, and even at williamsburg and jamestown for a little sightseeing. a detailed recapping would take far too long, but the many many pictures taken by both dylan and i tell the story well. these are some of my faves:
kate's christmas party provided a wonderful opportunity to spendquality time with both her and kendyl (aka cutest neice ever)
christmas eve was spent with the chapman's--a tradition so old that no one can exactly remember when it started..13 years? 14? who knows. what is certain is that the nativity cast is ever changing, although the christmas chimes all stay the same. this year, with kelly's presence, the va (which, in this case is an abbreviation of my last name, not the state from whence we hail) women deigned to sing together. it was not the only memorable musical performance of the evening, as dylan, dad's, john's, and lynn's '12 days of christmas' rendition will not be soon forgotten.
we spent part of christmas at mom and dad's, part at the movie theater (national treasure 2), andpart at kate's, with an interlude for dinner with our long-time family friends, the kidds.
it was a full and wonderfully happy day.
on the day after christmas, mom and dad, dylan and kelly, and myself headed south to do some sightseeing. the first day was spent in williamsburg, and although rainy, we enjoyed wandering the historic streets and shops. our evening was spent on a candlelight tour of the governor's mansion, which concluded with a dance exhibition of sorts, most amusing was kelly being pulled from her seat to participate, and watching her try to very quickly learn the steps!
day 2 began with a stop at the cape henry lighthouse. it afforded me another stamp in my national passport, and in fact, added another passport to the collection, the lighthouse passport. dad and i have an ever-evolving unofficial competition going...
after cape henry, we took the ferry over to jamestown, where we spent the remainder of the day wandering both the new visitor's center (ahoy, matey) and the historic site. it's been many years since i have visited jamestown, and the sunny day provided a great opportunity to relive a piece of history and spend time with the family.
since the family was altogether again, we couldn't miss the opportunity for family portraits.
and though limited, there was a little time for seeing friends. i can't explain why, but anne and i both love the middle picture. my thighs, and her mouth. some things are simply unexplainable.my time at home was entirely too short, but coming back to california has been rewarding. new friends are in the making, and come february 1st, i'll be ensconced in my new home.
here's to living the life i've imagined!
Saturday, December 01, 2007
shameless plug
thank you for your thoughts, comments, suppositions, emails, phone calls, and texts. if i haven't responded directly, please don't take it personally. i don't really want to talk all that much right now, but those messages do wonders. i am feelin' the love, so i thought it would be appropriate to step away from my wallowing for a moment (don't worry, i'll be hurrying back), to share a little love of my own.
since arriving in california, i have reconnected with several old high school friends, two of which, in particular, i've spent a good amount of time with thus far. i continue to find it incredible that two people from 13 years in my past, have come to play such a prominent role in my present. i believe that people are placed in our lives at different times for different reasons, and i have come to feel strongly that brandon and michelle were placed in my life then, because they would play such an important role now.
initially, i had planned to spend the thanksgiving holiday with them, and some other friends of theirs. my family (the ones i am currently living with) were all in idaho for the holiday, but i wanted to stick close in case of job stuff popping up (they were gone for over a week). but with things working out the way they did, i called him on wednesday to let him know that i was bailing.
of course, he instantly picked up on the fact that i was sobbing, and had the whole story out of me before too long. his response was 'what do you need?'
what i needed, was to not be alone, but i told him that i was going to call my friend up in sb, and see if i couldn't find a place on the couch there. sb is farther, but frankly i had no intention of adding to brandon's troubles. you may remember that i recently mentioned he had been diagnosed with cancer, and i didn't want to cause any more drama in his life.
i called my friend in sb, who simply did not know what to say. it is very difficult for me to ask for help (contrary to what my recent blog posts may have led you to believe), and i couldn't quite find the courage to ask if i could come sleep on his couch. i needed for him to ask me what i needed, or if there was anything he could do. but he never did.
it took me about 45 minutes, but i finally got the courage up to ask and called him again. he didn't answer. he didn't call me back. in fact, i have not heard from him since that night. needless to say, i have reevaluated our 'friendship'.
to say that i was distraught, would be a gross understatement. everything was a blur, i couldn't think straight. the only thing i could be certain of that day, was that i could not spend the night alone. but i didn't know what to do. the one person i sort of felt comfortable asking for help, had completely and totally failed me.
within a half-hour of the second call attempt, i received a text message from brandon. it said 'you sure you don't want to stay with us tonight? michelle can get ice cream. we love you, and we'd love to have you.'
i knew, without a doubt in that moment, there was nothing they would not have done for me. these two people, over a decade from my past, would have done anything i could have possibly needed or asked. isn't that incredible?
i was on the road with my overnight bag 15 minutes later.
i arrived to find that michelle had picked up my favorite ice cream (which was the only food i would eat for the next four days), and firefly was in the dvd player ready to go. after a lot of crying on my part, and a couple of great episodes, we called it a night, and i curled up on the couch with sweet sammy the cat.
needless to say, i will never forget what those two did for me. any service i can render them will fall short, in my mind, of the service i received.
the diagnosis update on brandon is that he has germ cell cancer, with a good prognosis. he starts chemotherapy on monday and will undergo a 12 week cycle. there is a 70% chance of complete remission, and he is doing everything in his power to keep those odds high.
[insert shameless plug] as it so happens, brandon is a singer/songwriter..in fact, one of the most talented people i have ever known. he has just released a christmas single called winter in the sun and it is available on itunes. download it now!
i love it, but maybe that's because it's about christmas in california;) or maybe i'm a little biased. at the very least, check it out and decide for yourself.
alright, back to wallowing i go!
since arriving in california, i have reconnected with several old high school friends, two of which, in particular, i've spent a good amount of time with thus far. i continue to find it incredible that two people from 13 years in my past, have come to play such a prominent role in my present. i believe that people are placed in our lives at different times for different reasons, and i have come to feel strongly that brandon and michelle were placed in my life then, because they would play such an important role now.
initially, i had planned to spend the thanksgiving holiday with them, and some other friends of theirs. my family (the ones i am currently living with) were all in idaho for the holiday, but i wanted to stick close in case of job stuff popping up (they were gone for over a week). but with things working out the way they did, i called him on wednesday to let him know that i was bailing.
of course, he instantly picked up on the fact that i was sobbing, and had the whole story out of me before too long. his response was 'what do you need?'
what i needed, was to not be alone, but i told him that i was going to call my friend up in sb, and see if i couldn't find a place on the couch there. sb is farther, but frankly i had no intention of adding to brandon's troubles. you may remember that i recently mentioned he had been diagnosed with cancer, and i didn't want to cause any more drama in his life.
i called my friend in sb, who simply did not know what to say. it is very difficult for me to ask for help (contrary to what my recent blog posts may have led you to believe), and i couldn't quite find the courage to ask if i could come sleep on his couch. i needed for him to ask me what i needed, or if there was anything he could do. but he never did.
it took me about 45 minutes, but i finally got the courage up to ask and called him again. he didn't answer. he didn't call me back. in fact, i have not heard from him since that night. needless to say, i have reevaluated our 'friendship'.
to say that i was distraught, would be a gross understatement. everything was a blur, i couldn't think straight. the only thing i could be certain of that day, was that i could not spend the night alone. but i didn't know what to do. the one person i sort of felt comfortable asking for help, had completely and totally failed me.
within a half-hour of the second call attempt, i received a text message from brandon. it said 'you sure you don't want to stay with us tonight? michelle can get ice cream. we love you, and we'd love to have you.'
i knew, without a doubt in that moment, there was nothing they would not have done for me. these two people, over a decade from my past, would have done anything i could have possibly needed or asked. isn't that incredible?
i was on the road with my overnight bag 15 minutes later.
i arrived to find that michelle had picked up my favorite ice cream (which was the only food i would eat for the next four days), and firefly was in the dvd player ready to go. after a lot of crying on my part, and a couple of great episodes, we called it a night, and i curled up on the couch with sweet sammy the cat.
needless to say, i will never forget what those two did for me. any service i can render them will fall short, in my mind, of the service i received.
the diagnosis update on brandon is that he has germ cell cancer, with a good prognosis. he starts chemotherapy on monday and will undergo a 12 week cycle. there is a 70% chance of complete remission, and he is doing everything in his power to keep those odds high.
[insert shameless plug] as it so happens, brandon is a singer/songwriter..in fact, one of the most talented people i have ever known. he has just released a christmas single called winter in the sun and it is available on itunes. download it now!
i love it, but maybe that's because it's about christmas in california;) or maybe i'm a little biased. at the very least, check it out and decide for yourself.
alright, back to wallowing i go!
Thursday, January 25, 2007
karina, karina
while yesterday's post focused on largely on someone i have known for a very long time, and know well, today's post focuses on someone who is a virtual stranger. except not.
a couple of years ago, almost two, to be exact, i went to utah to visit family and some friends i had made online. while there, i was at a social function , and found myself in the kitchen talking to a girl i had never met before. her name was heather, and she had spent time in the dc area. we had many mutual friends, and even beyond that, there was an instant connection between us.
there are moments. they are few and far between, but they happen. moments when the eternal wheels click into place and start to turn. in these moments, there is a recognition that defies logic. and it is always mutual. you know, and they know, that you have each met someone who is going to change your life, simply by being a part of it. it's not that they will alter your path or your destiny in obvious ways, necessarily, but a divine purpose will be served. in these moments, coincidence becomes obsolete.
meeting heather in the kitchen at a stranger's house was one of those moments. however, the most fascinating thing about that moment, is that it generated another such moment with another person. prior to that experience, i have never felt such a strong connection with two different people in such a limited time frame (only minutes apart!).
it was through heather that i met karina. karina and i sat down on a couch, and didn't leave it for the remainder of the night. as we related our life stories to one another, there were enummerable parallels and an uncommon understanding. she and i both knew we had found a wonderful new friend in eachother.
since that meeting two years ago, our communication has been sporadic at best. life is life, and it is easy to lose sight of what is important. for months, karina and i have tried to actually have a phone conversation, but our timing has been incredibly bad. last night, we were finally able to connect, and it was if not one day had passed since last we spoke. as we recounted our experiences over the last year, we could have each told the other's story. though the timing had been different, our experiences bear shocking similarities.
our conversation lasted for hours, and reminded me of that special connection. that feeling of knowing someone without knowing them has happened to me a grand total of 7 times. each time, it was powerful--hence the reason i can so clearly recall the frequency. 3 of those people are 3 of my best friends and have been for years. 3 of them are still virtual strangers, who i would do anything for. only one of them have i dated, but since most of them are girls, that is probably for the best;)
at any rate, i am thrilled to have karina back in the forefront of my thoughts. and in fact, i may have even convinced her to move to london with deb and i! now THAT would be something!
i'm also thrilled that i will have a chance to reconnect with heather when i'm in utah in march (which ironically, will be our exact 2 year anniversary date of meeting), and assuming i do ever make it to london, i plan to spend a lot of time with louise--whether she likes it or not:)
all this to say, i am grateful for the people in my life. the friends and family who know me well and still put up with me, and the relative strangers who's brief appearances in my life, leave indelible impressions.
a couple of years ago, almost two, to be exact, i went to utah to visit family and some friends i had made online. while there, i was at a social function , and found myself in the kitchen talking to a girl i had never met before. her name was heather, and she had spent time in the dc area. we had many mutual friends, and even beyond that, there was an instant connection between us.
there are moments. they are few and far between, but they happen. moments when the eternal wheels click into place and start to turn. in these moments, there is a recognition that defies logic. and it is always mutual. you know, and they know, that you have each met someone who is going to change your life, simply by being a part of it. it's not that they will alter your path or your destiny in obvious ways, necessarily, but a divine purpose will be served. in these moments, coincidence becomes obsolete.
meeting heather in the kitchen at a stranger's house was one of those moments. however, the most fascinating thing about that moment, is that it generated another such moment with another person. prior to that experience, i have never felt such a strong connection with two different people in such a limited time frame (only minutes apart!).
it was through heather that i met karina. karina and i sat down on a couch, and didn't leave it for the remainder of the night. as we related our life stories to one another, there were enummerable parallels and an uncommon understanding. she and i both knew we had found a wonderful new friend in eachother.
since that meeting two years ago, our communication has been sporadic at best. life is life, and it is easy to lose sight of what is important. for months, karina and i have tried to actually have a phone conversation, but our timing has been incredibly bad. last night, we were finally able to connect, and it was if not one day had passed since last we spoke. as we recounted our experiences over the last year, we could have each told the other's story. though the timing had been different, our experiences bear shocking similarities.
our conversation lasted for hours, and reminded me of that special connection. that feeling of knowing someone without knowing them has happened to me a grand total of 7 times. each time, it was powerful--hence the reason i can so clearly recall the frequency. 3 of those people are 3 of my best friends and have been for years. 3 of them are still virtual strangers, who i would do anything for. only one of them have i dated, but since most of them are girls, that is probably for the best;)
at any rate, i am thrilled to have karina back in the forefront of my thoughts. and in fact, i may have even convinced her to move to london with deb and i! now THAT would be something!
i'm also thrilled that i will have a chance to reconnect with heather when i'm in utah in march (which ironically, will be our exact 2 year anniversary date of meeting), and assuming i do ever make it to london, i plan to spend a lot of time with louise--whether she likes it or not:)
all this to say, i am grateful for the people in my life. the friends and family who know me well and still put up with me, and the relative strangers who's brief appearances in my life, leave indelible impressions.
Monday, January 22, 2007
new year's post
i have been writing, deleting, and rewriting a new year’s post for about three weeks now, and nothing has felt quite right.
typically, the beginning of a year brings reflection on the year past and a resolve to make changes in the next year. it is no secret that 2006 was rough. and yet, by year’s end, i found myself overwhelmed with gratitude. i became acutely aware of the priveleges and the blessings my life has afforded me, and was humbled by my unworthiness to have received them.
that thought is with me still, and has been prevalent as i have pondered the many possible areas of improvement for 2007. my one and only resolution for 2007 has been not to make any resolutions. it’s been my experience that making a new year’s resolution simply gives one another opportunity to disappoint oneself, and that is not how i wanted to begin what i expect to be the greatest year i’ve ever had (all in the attitude. all in the attitude.)
despite my anti-resolutionist attitude, i believe in goal setting. and in considering what goals might be worthwhile, i kept coming back to this feeling of gratitude. and fair warning, this may be the strangest new year’s post you’ve ever read.
i grew up in the home of a writer. and as a writer, my father traveled often. when possible, he would take my brother and i along. each year he traveled as a lecturer for a tour group, usually spending about a month in a new part of the world. usually dylan and i were left with relatives for those trips. one year though, the trip was scheduled to coincide with my first month of high school, so dad arranged for us to come along. It was an eastern european trip, and we covered a lot of ground. i would have liked to spend more time, but with 13 countries in 30 days, that wasn’t really an option.
however, despite the brevity of our time in each individual place, i learned three great lessons on that trip that have stuck with me for the last 16 years.
the first came in romania. we were there before the wall fell, and i imagine it is a much different place now. at the time however, it was dirty and poverty stricken. when we arrived in bucharest, the driver pulled the tour bus into one of the town squares. we had been instructed prior to the trip to bring extra every day items, such as toothbrushes, soap, etc.
curious children began approaching to see what was going on. they were dirty, mostly shoeless, and inappropriately dressed for the weather. we began handing out some of the items we had brought. i don't think to this day i have seen such a look of joy cross someone's face. it was the first time i truly understood how fortunate i was to be an american, and I have never forgotten it. romania to me had nothing to do with the architecture or the landscape, but with the lesson it taught me.
the other two lessons were both learned in poland, and almost simulaneously. i had the opportunity to visit auschwitz, the infamous concentration camp in poland. while there, we wandered through the ‘showers’ where prisoners were gassed, firing walls, where they were shot, and ovens where they were creamated. while all of that was completely disturbing, what had the most impact, was walking through various buildings, in which items collected from prisoners such as shoes and eyeglasses were piled behind glass for our viewing pleasure. there was one building however, that i was completely unprepared for. as i passed through the doorway, i was immediately engulfed by a stench i could not place. i took another step and saw one of the most horrifying things i have ever seen. piles and piles of rotting hair. hair that had been collected as prisoners’ heads were shaved.
the showers and the firing wall and the ovens had disturbed but not mortified me. it was seeing and smelling that pile of hair that created waves of nausea that sent me running from the building. at 14 years old, i understood what kind of evil atrocities humans were capable of perpetrating on one another, but even beyond that, i understood the kind of impact that our lives and experiences could have on eachother. i have never personnally known a holocaust survivor, but learning of their lives humbles me and reminds me how blessed i am. and again, i return to gratitude.
last week, i went to see ‘freedom writers’ with the girls, and did not realize that the holocaust would be a part of the story line. though i have been thinking recently about my experiences in eastern europe, the movie reminded me yet again of the lessons i have learned.
in considering what it is that i want to accomplish in 2007, i realized that as a result of my having been so blessed, i wanted to somehow find a way to bless the lives of others. this is a well-entrenched desire, yet i have struggled to determine how it is that i can accomplish it.
i think all of us have an innate desire to make a mark on the world, but doing so often seems a bit out of our reach. i was certain that i would be a mother by now, and i have always felt that parenthood is the most noble way to bless the lives of others. seeing as how i am not in that situation however, i have struggled and often been overwhelmed in attempting to find a suitable alternative.
what i have finally began to understand, is that our impact on the lives of others does not have to be overt or grand. gestures that are small and simple have a power all their own. and it is that power that i am seeking to expand upon this year. small and simple gestures meant to bless the lives of others, in gratitude for the blessings i have received.
typically, the beginning of a year brings reflection on the year past and a resolve to make changes in the next year. it is no secret that 2006 was rough. and yet, by year’s end, i found myself overwhelmed with gratitude. i became acutely aware of the priveleges and the blessings my life has afforded me, and was humbled by my unworthiness to have received them.
that thought is with me still, and has been prevalent as i have pondered the many possible areas of improvement for 2007. my one and only resolution for 2007 has been not to make any resolutions. it’s been my experience that making a new year’s resolution simply gives one another opportunity to disappoint oneself, and that is not how i wanted to begin what i expect to be the greatest year i’ve ever had (all in the attitude. all in the attitude.)
despite my anti-resolutionist attitude, i believe in goal setting. and in considering what goals might be worthwhile, i kept coming back to this feeling of gratitude. and fair warning, this may be the strangest new year’s post you’ve ever read.
i grew up in the home of a writer. and as a writer, my father traveled often. when possible, he would take my brother and i along. each year he traveled as a lecturer for a tour group, usually spending about a month in a new part of the world. usually dylan and i were left with relatives for those trips. one year though, the trip was scheduled to coincide with my first month of high school, so dad arranged for us to come along. It was an eastern european trip, and we covered a lot of ground. i would have liked to spend more time, but with 13 countries in 30 days, that wasn’t really an option.
however, despite the brevity of our time in each individual place, i learned three great lessons on that trip that have stuck with me for the last 16 years.
the first came in romania. we were there before the wall fell, and i imagine it is a much different place now. at the time however, it was dirty and poverty stricken. when we arrived in bucharest, the driver pulled the tour bus into one of the town squares. we had been instructed prior to the trip to bring extra every day items, such as toothbrushes, soap, etc.
curious children began approaching to see what was going on. they were dirty, mostly shoeless, and inappropriately dressed for the weather. we began handing out some of the items we had brought. i don't think to this day i have seen such a look of joy cross someone's face. it was the first time i truly understood how fortunate i was to be an american, and I have never forgotten it. romania to me had nothing to do with the architecture or the landscape, but with the lesson it taught me.
the other two lessons were both learned in poland, and almost simulaneously. i had the opportunity to visit auschwitz, the infamous concentration camp in poland. while there, we wandered through the ‘showers’ where prisoners were gassed, firing walls, where they were shot, and ovens where they were creamated. while all of that was completely disturbing, what had the most impact, was walking through various buildings, in which items collected from prisoners such as shoes and eyeglasses were piled behind glass for our viewing pleasure. there was one building however, that i was completely unprepared for. as i passed through the doorway, i was immediately engulfed by a stench i could not place. i took another step and saw one of the most horrifying things i have ever seen. piles and piles of rotting hair. hair that had been collected as prisoners’ heads were shaved.
the showers and the firing wall and the ovens had disturbed but not mortified me. it was seeing and smelling that pile of hair that created waves of nausea that sent me running from the building. at 14 years old, i understood what kind of evil atrocities humans were capable of perpetrating on one another, but even beyond that, i understood the kind of impact that our lives and experiences could have on eachother. i have never personnally known a holocaust survivor, but learning of their lives humbles me and reminds me how blessed i am. and again, i return to gratitude.
last week, i went to see ‘freedom writers’ with the girls, and did not realize that the holocaust would be a part of the story line. though i have been thinking recently about my experiences in eastern europe, the movie reminded me yet again of the lessons i have learned.
in considering what it is that i want to accomplish in 2007, i realized that as a result of my having been so blessed, i wanted to somehow find a way to bless the lives of others. this is a well-entrenched desire, yet i have struggled to determine how it is that i can accomplish it.
i think all of us have an innate desire to make a mark on the world, but doing so often seems a bit out of our reach. i was certain that i would be a mother by now, and i have always felt that parenthood is the most noble way to bless the lives of others. seeing as how i am not in that situation however, i have struggled and often been overwhelmed in attempting to find a suitable alternative.
what i have finally began to understand, is that our impact on the lives of others does not have to be overt or grand. gestures that are small and simple have a power all their own. and it is that power that i am seeking to expand upon this year. small and simple gestures meant to bless the lives of others, in gratitude for the blessings i have received.
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