krikes

those who know me well know that i have a bit of an addiction. let's call it an 'entertainment' addiction. music, movies, and tv. i love it all, and i feel no shame or remorse. for the most part, i do try and keep my addictions at manageable levels. i implement certain failsafes that are supposed to prevent me from getting in over my head, as it were. one of these failsafes in regards to the television facet of my addiction, is to pre-select a certain number of shows to follow, and stick to my guns. there might be other shows that look appealing, but i will avoid them just for the sake of my sanity and time management.

case in point, 'friday night lights.' i knew this show would be a problem for me. don't ask me why, i have less than zero interest in actual football, but movies or television shows about the sport have me glued to my seat. so i've avoided it. with gilmore girls and veronica mars on on tuesday nights, it wasn't too much of a sacrifice.

but then, those clever network executives reached out to the suckers like me and i bit. with studio 60 on hiatus last night, they instead aired friday night lights, and oh craap, i'm hooked. again, the reason completely eludes me. i have never 'gotten' football, i'm much more of a basketball girl, but i've been reeled in, and have to add another show to the lineup.

between how i met your mother, heroes, studio 60, the bachelor: rome, gilmore girls, veronica mars, lost, grey's anatomy, ugly betty, six degrees, men in trees, survivor, amazing race, real world road rules challenge, the original csi, and now friday night lights--not to mention the ocassional law and orders, emergency vets, mythbusters, the english dubbed japanese gameshow mxc, and my netflix queue which currently has me working on dark angel, prison break, and very soon west wing season 7, and boston legal--i think i am going to have to quit my job. anyone hiring a professional tv watcher?

muuuaaaahhhhhhaaahaaa

weekend update

it’s been literally months and months since i engaged in a large group activity of any sort. i could use the work excuse, but it wouldn’t be entirely honest. mostly, i’ve just not been in the mood for the ‘scene’. sometimes i can put up with the superficiality of it better than others..you know, having a million ‘friends’ who are good for chatting up at parties, but if you ever needed something in a pinch, might be conveniently unavailable. it’s the nature of the mormon singles scene, and sometimes my tolerance is higher than others. lately, it’s been low, and my social time has been spent with close friends in small gatherings.

but i love halloween. it is probably my favorite holiday, next to christmas. i think it is the theater girl in me who loves a holiday where you get to pretend to be something you are not. but a costume this year was stretching my willingness to invest in a large social gathering. almost every year i drag myself to the barn dance, and i usually have a good time. i knew if i was going to force myself into a costume though, i would never do it. especially since i was without a wing-man.

so, i dressed in normal clothes, and if anyone asked, i was going to tell them i was a reality show contestant. my handy dandy gps unit got me there via some back roads about 30 minutes earlier than planned.

so what did i do? i sat in my car trying to convince myself to go in. i gave myself a little pep talk. it went like this:

‘tara, get out of the car. you have friends in there that you haven’t seen in a long time and who will welcome you with smiles and open arms! why are you hesitating? you are a 30 year old woman who feels good about herself. this is ridiculous. you are being a baby. just get out of the car. if you go in and don’t see anyone, you can turn around and leave. but you’ll never know unless you give it a chance. get OUT of the car.’

apparently, i give good pep. i got myself out of the car, and was relieved to almost immediately see a couple of familiar faces--and even better, some of my favorite familiar faces. i ended up knowing less people than i thought i would, but i still knew plenty, so the fact that i was flying solo wasn’t so painful. all in all, it ended up being an enjoyable evening. however, it did remind me why i have been avoiding the large group gatherings. it’s just not my scene right now. i am more content and fulfilled spending time with the old faithfuls who have been there through everything and are still willing to put up with me!

saturday was a perfect example. the last open weekend at king’s dominion, and even better, fear fest. lara, corey and i all have season passes, and jill joined in for the fun. after all the rain and cold weather here recently, we were concerned that it would be a less than ideal day, but we couldn’t have been more wrong. the sun was out and it was absolutely stunning. we enjoyed all the usual, the volcano, funnel cakes, tomb raider, boardwalk fries..you know, the usual.

in the evening some of the rides turned ghoulish and we settled on the antique car ride. the scariest thing about the haunting was the park employees screaming at corey and i to (in his case) give them the camera and to (in my case) stop taking photos. now, keep in mind, nowhere did it say no photos. nowhere. and even in the instructions they gave us (hands in the car, etc.) absolutely no mention of photography. so these two park employees chased us throughout the ride, and that was pretty scary. i can’t for the life of me figure out why they would care, apparently dead people have bigger issues than, um, death.

the weekend was capped off (or completely destroyed) by having to teach on sunday. i haven’t found a groove yet and it just feels awkward and uncomfortable, and draining. but i got through it, and after church made a stop at the willis home to spend some time with julie who was here from nc all pregnant and stuff. and that was a much better way to call the weekend done.


for more pics of the barn dance, click here.
for more pics of fear fest, click here.

happy birthday

to my lil brother dylan.

confessions

there is only one thing i hate as much or more than teaching, and that is cleaning my bathroom. pretty much, i only ever clean my bathroom when someone is coming to visit and will be staying in the guest bedroom, thereby sharing my bathroom. don’t get too grossed out, we have visitor’s enough, that my cleaning is on a sort of reqular cycle. however, it may be a little longer than most. i would rather do any household chore than clean my bathroom. vacuuming? fine. dishes? fine. you name it pretty much, and it’s all good. except the bathroom.

see the bathroom, once it’s clean, is immediately dirty again. especially if you are a girl with long hair. i can spend hours scrubbing tub and toilet and sink. and by the time i walk back in to lay the rugs down, all i can see is hair. it just seems so fruitless, this cleaning of the bathroom thing. when asked what i would to with ten million dollars, my first response would be to hire someone to tell me what to do with it, and my second, to hire someone to clean the bathroom. i’ll do the rest, just not the bathroom.

so why the bathroom tirade you ask? because again, we are having company. which means sometime in the next two days i have to clean my bathroom which, and by the time the guest arrives, will be inexplicably dirty again anyway. oh yeah, and i also have to put together my lesson for sunday in the next couple of days.

ah, the two things i hate most in life, simulaneously destroying my otherwise peaceful state of mind. oh joy.

i guess it's a good thing i'll be going soon..

You Belong in London

A little old fashioned, and a little modern. A little traditional, and a little bit punk rock. A unique woman like you needs a city that offers everything. No wonder you and London will get along so well.

What City Do You Belong In?

reflections on my wedding day

most of you know that today was supposed to be my wedding day, and obviously, that didn’t quite work out. it seems strange that ten months have passed, and i find that not much has changed in that time. i guess i take comfort in knowing that i am not willing to settle on the wrong relationship just to get out of singlehood, but i don’t know what is sadder, thinking that my ‘goal’ was possible, or the reality that it was.

determined not to let that get me down, angela, steve, steve’s sister katie, and i headed out to markham to pick some apples and enjoy a beautiful fall day.

upon arriving, we were a little disappointed to find that the apples had all fallen, but our disappointment was quickly replaced by awe, as we marveled at the amazing colors dotting the blue ridge mountains. we could not have asked for a more gorgeous day, and took some time to enjoy caramel apples(holy cow, were they good) while purchasing some pre-picked apples and acoutrements (fresh apple butter-yum!!)

all in all it was the perfect way to soak in the fall, and to distract me from other thoughts. the new wedding date is 7-7-07, and i feel pretty good about that. even though i am sort of anti-dating at this point, i’m not convinced dating is required for marriage;) so here’s hoping that lucky 7’s are lucky indeed!

click here for more apple photos.

baby swap

since i have begun referring to my gadgets in a way that calls children to mind, i thought you might be interested to know that i have willingly baby swapped my new exilim camera for a black one! i didn't know they made it in black until my technically challenged friend deb found it. yes, i am ashamed.

so the silver one is on it's way back to amazon and the black one on it's way to me!

apathy and isaiah

okay, i lied. well, kind of. i realize that it was only two days ago that i said if this is it, i was okay with that, but i am still settling into this apathy thing, and i now find myself wondering if apathy and yearning can co-exist. that seems like an oxymoron, but i can’t help but think it’s akin to oil and water. true that they will never mix, but you can put them in the same bottle, and shake the bottle, and each will weave it’s way through and around the other. that’s the very definition of co-existence, isn’t it? not blending into one another, but existing seperately within the same space?

i recently learned that a friend is considering a move to taiwan to teach english, and it illicited a yearning--a desire for more. let’s be honest, event planning is something that i am, for the most part, good at, and find, for the most part, fulfilling. but it’s a far cry from saving the world. i have the same desire many have to make a mark and contribute something positive to the world around me. in keeping with the spirit of honesty, i thought by this time i would be a wife and mother, and i think motherhood (or parenthood) is the greatest contribution one can make. since i haven’t yet reached that stage, i find myself wanting to do something more, but am clueless as to what i should be doing. teaching english in taiwan isn’t the right fit. i thought about joining the peace corps a couple of years ago, but i enjoy the comforts of home and the closeness of my family too much to do that. so what is it? what is it that will bring me fulfillment and joy? and is my apathy completely limiting my ability to actually find it?

in other news, i taught my first gospel doctrine class today...nothing like isaiah to get your feet wet. i’m not really able to give an accurate perspective on how it went, because i am entirely too wrapped up in the fear. but i will say this, it is always amazing to me to see with such different eyes how the lord conveys his message. today was no exception. the sacrament meeting speakers were asked to speak on conference talks that held special meaning to them. not only was it a particularly moving meeting that helped me better feel the spirit, despite my fear, but of all of the conference talks, two of the speakers chose the same one, which as it happens, was a direct tie-in to what i had felt inspired to focus on in class. so even though the terror still existed, i felt confident that i was delivering the message that the lord wanted the class members to hear.

in the end though, i’m not sure if i was more surprised by the 22 year old that hit on me after class, or the girl (quite gorgeous herself) who approached me to tell me how beautiful i am. yes, shenandoah is indeed a unique ward.

a new plateau

lately i have found myself losing patience with people. not in the way that means they say something and i snap at them, but in a way that i want to yawn or walk away most of the time.

i've been engaged in discussions lately with a good friend, and we seem to have both come to a place of apathy that is new to us.

i remember the last singles ward i was in. there were some people a couple of years older than me, that i knew i would get along with. but they wouldn't give me the time of day. it seemed as though they felt that they had all the friends they would ever need, and they weren't about to spend the time getting to know someone new. it made me kind of bitter. but now, i get it.

i've been single for a long time, and i've had lots of friends. since the time i can remember evolving into a social butterfly, i've been involved with many distinct groups of people. time and time again, you meet people, you click, you invest emotionally, and with your oh so precious time, and one by one they eventually fade into nostalgia. they get married, they move away..they take positive productive steps forward with their lives. and you find yourself, for the most part, starting over.

this has happened more times than i can count. and i see the positive perspective. it has allowed me to meet and connect with far more people than i ever could have if i had developed a group of friends who had stuck together for the last 15 years. but the less rosy side of this scenario is that it's draining. it's draining and it sometimes feels like a waste.

i've hit another one of those cycles, where friends seem to be dropping like flies, or preparing to. and it's for the right reasons, so i can't possibly begrudge them. yet i find that i have hit an emotional wall. i do not seem to have the capability to muster enough interest or desire to begin this process of connecting all over again.

i'm tired and uninterested. i no longer have the ability to believe that there are people who are going to teach me things i don't already know, or whom i could teach anything they didn't already know. i no longer believe that there are people that i will be able to connect with any more than people i have known.

i know how fatalistic this sounds, but for the first time in my life, true apathy has settled in. i see a boy, who i logically recognize as cute, and it does nothing for me. there is no 'possibility' there, afterall, i have exhausted the possibilities. what is going to make the next boy any different from the last? i've been around this block a few too many times.

the strangest thing of all is that i know how bitter and hopeless this sounds. but i don't *feel* bitter or hopeless. i'm actually pretty happy. i have a great career and work for a great company. i am growing spiritually. i am traveling (or will be again soon) . i, much like anne, recently found myself in a comfortable pair of jeans two sizes smaller than the ones i have been wearing since..well, probably since high school. i have expendable income that i don't have to answer to anyone for. my family is happpy and healthy and bravely facing the world in their own ways. and there are those few close friends whom i continue to rely on.

so i guess if this is it, i'm as okay as i'm ever going to be with that. there are improvements to be made and dreams yet to dream, but apathy has taken quite a weight off my shoulders.

i need a better juicer

my site scores a



i guess they base it on how many people subscribe to your rss feed. i feel okay about the fact that i score a 1.4 and gizmodo scores a 9.8. i think that everything is right with the world.

a public service announcement

to the ladies...if you have not seen 'men in trees' yet, i would highly encourage it. 9pm est tonight on abc. it's sex and the city meets northern exposure, and i hope that talking all my girlfriends into watching it will mean it stays on the air, because let's face it, 9:00pm on a friday night is not the ideal time slot, and i'm hooked. i can't stand anne heche and i am still hooked.

need more info? go here

in my dreams

i had a dream last night. i know, it doesn't seem earth shattering, but let me remind you why that is significant.

first of all, i rarely remember my dreams. i remember maybe 3-5 a year. of those i remember, i find that about half are just my subconscious working through things, and the other half tend to come to fruition. i am always hesitant to say that my dreams are prophetic, or heavenly father gives me visions, because that just sounds so, oh i don't know, just so weird. however, i have seen enough of my dreams come to pass, that i cannot deny that there is or can be some real power in dreams.

last night, i found myself lying on the ground in a grassy area, on a beautiful sunny day with some friends. we were talking and laughing, and at some point, i realized there was a man lying on the ground next to me. he had his arm around me. he was dark haired and tall. not jaw dropping turn your head and stare hot, but attractive. and what was odd was that, i knew i didn't know who he was, but he was familiar enough that that having him lying on the ground next to me with his arm around me, did not seem strange.

then as dreams so often do, the location changed, and i was in a big house with even more of my friends. strangely enough, not one of the people in my dream was the nocturnal embodiment of someone i actually know. they were all friends in the dream, but there was none of that knowledge that often comes that says 'oh, that's anne, even if it doesn't look like anne.' know what i mean?

anyway, i was in this house, and again, the guy was there. i remember thinking to myself, 'i thought j was it for me, but here is this guy, and it's even better than anything i could have imagined.' i found myself completely surprised at having met someone new, but in my dream, i knew that the search was finally over. much of the dream was our interaction, and at one point i cornered a group of my 'friends' and finally just asked 'what is his name?!' they told me (which i don't remember) and asked 'don't you remember him? you used to know him.' and then i realized, i did know him, but i also didn't know him. i don't know if i can really explain this one, but i remembered that i should know him, but i still didn't.

the gathering of friends turned into a slumber party, and the next morning while getting ready for breakfast, and in the most humorous moment (and indicator of entirely too much working) my ceo came walking into the kitchen in his robe to grab something out of the fridge, which is when i realized it was his house i was staying in.

the mystery man was still asleep, and i had to get home to let the dog out (reality creeping in). i wrote my phone number on a piece of paper for him, but he awoke and caught me on my way out. we made plans to see eachother again, and i woke up.

i guess partly what is interesting to me is that my conscious mind completely disagrees with a lot of the feelings i had during the dream. i know i haven't spoken much here about what happened with jeremy and i, or why it didn't work out, because some things are a little too personal to broadcast, and i have to draw the line somewhere. suffice it to say, he broke my heart, and i still believe/hope that there is a possibility of a future for us somewhere down the line.

and yet, my dream, the actual dream, and the feelings it evoked, made it clear that while an important relationship, it was only meant to lead me to the person i really should be spending eternity with. i don't know if i am ready to accept that yet, but i will say this, i woke up this morning feeling more comfort and more hope than i have in months.