she's home

and so am i! needless to say, it's been a whirlwind. i arrived home on sunday afternoon and started moving. i've been settling in over the last day or so and this morning, i picked up the new addition. meet cordy:

seven

7. deb is coming to visit next weekend!

Sent from my iPhone

random thoughts from the past few days

1. i hate vegas but fortunately i am done with it for the year!

2. i have to admit that i am surprised the name voting is so overwhelmingly favoring 'sadie'. keep in mind, all of them are names i like, my top two are sadie and fiona. i think fiona is number one in my head right now. my roommate has a dog named lady-i'm afraid if i call for sadie, i'm going to get lady. i also like that fiona is less common. in favor of sadie though, i think it will be an easier transition, not to mention that it is a cute name. i'm very torn right now.

3. i will be starting to move as soon as i get home on sunday. what that means is that in a two week period i will have found a new place to live and moved into it, spent several days each in vegas and phoenix, and gotten a dog.

4. i had some time to kill in phoenix yesterday so i drove to sedona and went horseback riding. i'm proud of myself for not spending the entire day in my hotel room, although maybe i could have used the downtime.

5. i am really excited about this move. it's amazing but the owners are doing everything we asked them to do and more. the entire place is being repainted and multiple fixes are being made. heather even went with them last night to pick out new light fixtures!!

6. i am really distracted. i just want to get home, get moved and get my dog!

Sent from my iPhone

the NEW name options

i told you that there was no guarantee on how long it would last. down to three names, two from the last poll and one addition. PLUS, i've added the option to keep her name the same. she was owner surrendered, so we know that she has been cosita/cosi for the last six years. (new poll on right)

help me name my dog:)

k, it's official, she's mine! she's staying in foster care until i can get moved in to the new place, so ive got a little bit of time. what do you think? i've narrowed it down to six (ha ha! the number keeps going up!). check out the poll at the right.


just as a refresher, she is a 10 lb., 6 year old mix; dachsund, jack russell, and who knows what else. she is a melllooow dog. the foster mom has never heard her bark. she's apparently an escape artist (yep, guess i signed up for that again!), and bonds more with people than other dogs.


i am open to other suggestions, but i think these are probably the six.

not sure when i'll shut down the poll, so vote now!

wow

when i told my friend heather 3 ish weeks ago that i'd consider finding a place together in a couple months, then told her last week it probably wouldn't hurt to get the ball rolling, i NEVER imagined that in less than a week i'd be signing a new lease.

though i feel a little bit like i just walked out the backside of a wind tunnel, i am so unbelievably excited. i'm staying in huntington beach. yay! i'm a couple miles further from the beach, but i have a YARD, and a place where i can have a DOG!

i won't go into the nitty gritty particulars and all the little miracles, but you can probably guess there were a few, given the quick timing. so i'm happy. happy and grateful. yup, you heard me. i'm still off the man train but dangit, i'm getting a dog!

holy cow

i think we found a house. will know for sure after i see it today (my
roommate already has). wish me luck!

Sent from my iPhone

happy go lucky day

(the pics in this post have nothing to do with the topic of this post, but i love posting pics, and these are the weekend's latest. the queen mary was offering free admission to california residents for a limited time, so matt and i took advantage)

so, i've pretty much decided that i am going to be moving again. i'm even mostly okay with it. it's just time for a dog. not only do i want one, i think i actually need one. i've given this some thought over the last couple of years, and i think, for someone over 30 and still single, a pet, and more specifically a dog, is one of the best things you can do for yourself. dog owners have long been touted as being happier, healthier, and generally living longer lives than your average person. but even beyond that, i think it is a really good way to maintain the practice of sacrifice.


i find that the older i get, the more selfish i get. and it's not just me. i look around at others in a similar situation, and though there are exceptions (remember that i do know this as i continue my commentary), by and large we are a self-centered bunch! we have discretionary income that only has to pass one test--the 'I' test. "I want it" or "I need it." we also have discretionary time that only has to pass one test--"I feel like it" or "I don't feel like it." barring work responsibilities, we aren't really accountable to anyone else. those who feel more accountable usually just have a stronger guilt reflex. even our church callings are voluntary and we decide whether we want to minimize or magnify those callings. i've seen and practiced some of both.

i am the first to acknowledge my own inclusion in this group. my name is tara, and i'm selfish. (hellooo tara!) selfish and emotionally lazy. i know it. i always have been. it's something i struggle with. a lot. the big stuff i've always been pretty good at -- those 'save the day' moments we all get presented with from time to time. but the small and simple sacrifices have been a constant challenge for me.


there are some (in fact, as i think about it, most of my readership!) who take real joy in the service of others, who not only accept opportunities to make sacrifices, they SEEK them in an endeavor to enrich the lives of those around them. they succeed, and they find great rewards and great blessings in that -- even though that wasn't the point. i am not inherently one of those people. it is a struggle for me to respond to a call for volunteers, or to accept an assignment that is outside of my normal parameters.

i can't explain why, but being a dog owner helps even the odds for me a little bit. as my parents have often reminded me, it is a sacrifice to have one. after all, i'm 32 with discretionary time and income! foot-loose and fancy-free! and that is a big part of the problem. having to make decisions about my time and my money to consider the needs of another living thing, is, i think, a great practice to be in. it's a good habit to have, and a good launching point for expanding that into other areas of my life. and frankly, it helps minimize the self-pity, which is probably the most selfish self-centered behavior i can think of at the moment.

it's just hard to feel THAT bad about yourself when you're trying to fight off a french kiss from your dog. case in point, i spent friday night watching a movie at a girlfriend's house with her two dogs. at one point the lab decided that she had had enough of the bichon getting all the attention, and she pretty much attacked me. the tail-wagging licking version of an attack, of course. i absolutely could not stop laughing, which of course, fueled her even more. so for what seemed like a good five minutes, me and the lab, laughing and licking. i laughed so hard my stomach hurt--you know, one of THOSE laughs. hard to feel bad about yourself when your stomach hurts from laughing.


so i've decided to move so i can have a dog. i'm on month-to-month so i can leave any time, and as it happens this friend of mine is also looking for an out from her current home. so we are trying to find something together. the problem thus far is that places that will allow dogs will only allow two. since she already has two and i want one of my own, we really need some doors to open. i know i don't have to ask, as many of you indicate this on a regular basis (thank you!), but please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. it would be nice to have something good fall into place right about now.

in optimistic anticipation, i did something that may blow up in my face, but i was willing to take the risk. my little dog friend, who appeared in a previous post, is still available for adoption. i don't know that i blogged this, but i did actually go and meet her in person before i got the 'no' answer. i was so sure that it was going to be a yes that i wanted to get the rescue ball rolling. i fell equally in love with her in person as i did online, and i could not reconcile the fact that this would not be my dog! so, as of an hour ago, i contacted the rescue organization and offered to pay the adoption fee now, if she could stay in foster care until i found a new place to live. i suggested that if i had not secured something by may 1st that i would relinquish my 'hold' and forgo my deposit as a 'true' donation, and they could put her back on the proverbial block. it's tax deductible, and it's a rescue organization, so i can feel good about that.

*****

update: after drafting this post, i heard back from the rescue organization and am going to meet with the foster mom on friday night where i'll spend a little more time with the dog and talk about 'options'. this is a great sign - now i just need a new dog-lovin' home!

that's it. i've had it.

(warning: self-pity commences in ...3...2...1....)

exactly how much rejection and disappointment is considered 'normal'? is there not a threshold, and if so, haven't i already hit it? how many times can you pick yourself back up after getting the wind knocked out of you? i guess 'this many' times, because i'm done. i'm just gonna stay down this time. getting back on my feet isn't really getting me anywhere. raised hopes. shattered expectations.

this time, courtesy of one date wonder, part 2, who, not only have i not heard from since our good date, but who has actually ignored the attempt at contact i made. bad dog. where did you learn this bad behavior? shame on you.

i realize i've thrown out the 'i'm done' before, but that was all in preparation for this time apparently, because i really, really don't think i can take anymore. for the first time i'm finding gratitude (the one thing that has continually kept me going) completely elusive, and i'm just done. somehow i'll find a way to be content in my stagnation while the world moves on around me. no really, i will. i just have to learn to accept the mediocrity that is my life. somehow find happiness in ordering electricity for a trade show booth rather than teaching my children about literature and honesty and sharing. trade show booths need electricity after all, right?

a whale of a good time

in doing my regular updating of 'the list', last month i learned that the dana point (about 30 miles south of huntington) whale festival would be taking place. i thought it would be a great opportunity to do something i'd never done before and started researching whale watching tours. as luck would have it, i somehow found an $8 ticket for a two hour tour -- the exact same tour that anyone else would have paid nearly $40 to depart only an hour later.

i immediately bought four tickets, knowing there was a high risk of sellout, and invited mihaela and matt, both of whom are recent transplants to california. as a refresher, i know matt from virginia and mihaela from new york (i met her through deb many years ago). that just left one ticket up for grabs, and a few days prior, mihaela asked if she could invite a friend of hers who had recently moved from new york. our transplant group was complete, and as it turned out, mihaela's invitee was someone i've been hearing about for over a year, as he has been a regular tennis partner of deb's!

me and mihaela waiting for the boys

in 'typical' fashion mihaela and i both arrived a half hour prior to our meeting time, and matt and ted both arrived 20 minutes late. fortunately the meeting time was 30 minutes prior to the boat's departure, so everyone made it on board. i had been concerned that with an 8am tour, we were risking a marine layer, but even by the time i arrived at the wharf (early), the sun was shining, and though slightly chilly, it was a gorgeous day.

me and matt enjoying the day

the boat was in fact sold out, however it did not feel overly crowded. the group dynamic was absolutely perfect. ted and i clicked immediately and later when i made a comment to him that he and i were going to be friends, his response was 'we already are'. i don't know what's wrong with me, but the majority of people i really connect with here are all not FROM here.

our merry little band..mihaela, me, matt, ted

at any rate, for an hour and 50 minutes (give or take) we just enjoyed each other's company and being out on the water. mihalea unexpectedly experienced a bout of seasickness, but barring that, the company and the excursion alone was worth my $8. as luck would have it though, in the last few minutes, we did have one whale sighting. it wasn't overly dramatic, but based on the rest of the 'tour' we were pretty excited!

ahoy, whale!

after getting off the boat, we hopped on a shuttle bus that dropped us off at the top of the cliff along the parade route. what's a festival without a parade, right? parades out here are nothing if not entertaining--lots of interaction. at this parade, we saw and held whale bones, interacted with unicyclists, had conversations with woody drivers,

ted is fascinated by the woody

got photos with whale mascots,

just because

and generally just enjoyed ourselves.


at the conclusion of the parade, we wandered towards 'town' where we stopped at a completely divey mexican place and enjoyed a yummy meal - the highlight of which was something called elote. i had never heard of it before, but you can bet i'll be looking for it now. basically it's an ear of corn, grilled, covered with mayo and sprinkled with a grated cheese and chili mix. i might have been skeptical if it hadn't smelled so delicious. and it tasted that way too!

enjoying our elote

after lunch we wandered a little further until we came upon the street fair. we meandered through booths, matt and mihaela took advantage of the 'free' massage chairs,

matt takes a break

and i enjoyed some funnel cake. all in all it was a perfect day, and i never appreciate california so much as when i get out and EXPERIENCE california! holy cow, i LIVE here!

for more pics, click here.

"where do we go from here?"

name that song, earn my undying adoration.

it's a gray and rainy day today and it suits my mood. i should be on cloud 9 after my (really) good date last night, but instead i find myself depressed at learning that if i want to stay in my current living situation, i won't be able to get a dog. i'm both mad and sad right now. mad about the lady who cheated the system and took in a stray with no consequences, while i tried to go about things the right and honest way and was disappointed. mad that in the 'eternal' scheme of things this would be something that i'd be denied. and so sad that this missing piece will remain missing.

truth be told, there are two 'missing pieces' in my life right now. one of them i can't control, so changing the one that i can, has become of utmost importance. the only problem is that now, 'controlling' it, means moving. i'm not on a lease, so it's feasible. and it's fair to say i haven't established life long bonds with my roommates--i just think that's harder to do with anyone after you hit the 30 mark. but despite that, i enjoy them, we have no drama, and my home feels like home. after my last living situation i appreciate those things even more, but what i really want is a dog.

silly as it may sound, at the moment, i'd take a dog over a man. after all, men haven't proven all that reliable, and i've developed a fairly apathetic perspective on dating. in theory i still think it's a good idea, but in practice i've become slightly jaded, wondering if i can take actions and words at face value or if at some point, like they usually do, things will blow up in my face.

don't mistake apathy for bitterness. i'm not bitter, i just don't really care right now. kind of funny actually, when i realize that i've been on more actual dates with more guys in the last two months than probably in the last two years. and i go, and i have a good time, and i'm over it. or i was over it to begin with and i just traveled down the path of least resistance, i'm not sure. last night's date was one that i was actually excited about and i wish it weren't so colored by wholly unrelated events.

it was a year in the making, this date. i met the guy online in february of last year and at the time, i was also communicating with spencer in portland. i don't really remember how exactly things went down, but i met spencer before i met tim (despite him being far more geographically suitable) and spencer and i started dating. that was that until tim contacted me again in january. my schedule was fairly out of control so it took me awhile to respond, but eventually we reconnected and decided it was time to meet.

take 1
"hmmm..my aim was off but i look cute in this one so i'm going to post it anyway"

honestly, i couldn't have asked for a better first date. he drove the hour or so from la to come get me (bonus points) and on my recommendation we had dinner at the best italian place i know in huntington. first and foremost, he is absolutely adorable. i'm always a bit nervous when it's an online meet, that upon opening the door for the first time, i'll see a flash of disappointment. it's not like that always happens, but it has (on both sides - to be fair), and this was the first guy i'd been excited about meeting in a REALLY LONG TIME. to my relief, there was no 'flash', but rather the most amazingly disarming smile. i was already hooked.

he's not the type of guy i would normally date. i don't know exactly how to qualify that statement, other than to say he's just different. nicer maybe? a little more, hmmm, timid isn't the right word, but i'm usually attracted to in your face guys that are 'big talkers'. you know, guys who always have some grand plan which may or may not ever come to fruition. there's something a little quieter about tim, although he's not necessarily quiet. i'm having a hard time translating from my brain to type, so let's just leave it at he's not my usual type.

the dinner conversation was easy and natural, and he was able to make me laugh. we talked a lot about a lot, but we started talking about traveling, which led to some related topics, which led to my asking if he'd seen the movie 'amazing grace'. he hadn't, and lucky for him, i happen to own it. so after dinner we decided to head back to my place and pop in the movie. which of course, provided the perfect opportunity for some snuggling. there may or may not have also been some hand holding. and there might have even been an opportunity for a first kiss if i hadn't gotten so gun shy recently about kissing on the first date.

take 2
"okay, no cut off heads. good to go."

the chemistry was really good, i found it easy to be myself, and i think he's someone i could have a lot of fun with. the only downside is that now i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop...it always does. and as most of you know, the last really good date i had is what brought me to my jaded apathy in the first place. maybe he'll be different.. i'm hoping (he really is very very cute) but i'm not holding my breath. and of course i can't stop thinking about how much i want a dog, and how i really AM a glutton for punishment. i shouldn't have gone to meet her or started looking at dog beds and bowls and collars and such. i am absolutely heartbroken and i don't know what to do.