blog challenge: give me a reason

well, i am less angry today. the good news is, no tirades or finger pointing. the bad news is less anger=more sadness. my friend adam put it perfectly when he said that anger takes the edge off sadness. truer words were never spoken.

i don't know if you are like me, but i have watched many friends face difficult trials. i always feel helpless, knowing that words cannot take the place of a magic wand. and i always wish that there was something i could do. anything.

well, my friends, there is something you can do for me. maybe two somethings if the first applies.

i can't help but keep qualifying my sadness. logically i recognize that losing an animal is different than losing a friend or family member of the human variety. i have friends that have faced the latter, and a part of me thinks it's unfair not to acknowledge that. yet, emotionally i feel like a part of me just died and i want to be able to just be illogically sad for a little while. so. if you have lost someone close to you. i need your permission to grieve without caveats or exceptions. it doesn't matter how you give it..email, text message, comment on this post...i just need you to tell me that it's okay to feel as badly as i do (assuming you have not already done so).

the second something, which applies to everyone, is alluded to in the title of this post. my all-time greatest coping mechanism has been finding the 'reason' in the oft quoted phrase 'everything happens for a reason.' i understand that we don't always get to know why things happen, which is why i often just make things up. don't knock it. it works for me. at least it usually does.

this time, however, i haven't been able to come up with something i haven't also been able to talk myself out of shortly thereafter. this is where you come in. answer the question 'why?' the only rule is that it needs to stand up to scrutiny. it doesn't matter how far-fetched it might appear on the surface, how complicated or convoluted, whether it's thoughtful or delusional. funny is allowed. a good laugh would be much appreciated. use your imagination.

the one answer not on the table is this: maybe i need to live in a certain place that i couldn't have lived in with a dog, because my roommate is going to introduce me to my future husband.

i've already talked myself out of that one. everything else is fair game.

grieving

i understand that there are different stages of grieving. they cycle in, cycle out, overlap, disappear only to return with a vengeance. i also recognize that not all of these stages are rational. which brings me to today's wrath.

one comment.

i tell you all the my dog has been hit by a car, that my companion of 10 years is dead, and that garners one comment? (thank you corey and jill). there are a couple of people i've spoken with via telephone since wednesday, so you are off the hook.

everyone else... seriously?? is this how highly you value our friendship, that you can't be bothered to call me and see how i'm doing, or at the very least, comment on a friggin' blog post? too much effort?

i tried to cut everyone some slack, with it being the holiday and all. but it's monday. it's been five days people. the saddest, most difficult five days i can remember, and with a couple notable exceptions no one bothered to check in on me. my thanksgiving was spent alone and in tears, and every mass text message i got wishing me a happy thanksgiving made me want to throw my phone against the wall and scream.

maybe you just don't know what to say, or maybe you think it's silly that i'm mourning a dog. to the former "i'm sorry you're hurting," usually works pretty well, and to the latter, you obviously don't know me very well. whether or not you can understand why this is so difficult for me is irrelevant, the overwhelming apathy is not something i will easily be able to forget.

letter to a friend (11/19/97 - 11/21/07)

dear cyra,

i can’t sleep.

of course i can’t sleep. i’m too used to having you in bed beside me. it was hard enough to sleep during our temporary separation. now that it’s permanent, i wonder when i will sleep soundly again.

i can’t believe you’re gone. how is it that something can feel so real, and yet so completely impossible? i keep thinking i will wake up.

when i got you, about 10 years ago now, it was the first adult decision i’d ever made--choosing to be responsible for another living being, and knowing that it would mean making certain sacrifices. it’s hard to admit that sometimes those sacrifices were difficult to make, but never once did i regret the decision.

you were named cyra because it means ‘sun’, and your fur was so shiny and red. when i first became acquainted with patterdales, i thought i would end up with a black dog, since 95% of the breed has that trait. but you were the last of the litter, and the minute i saw your picture, i knew you belonged with me. your name was more appropriate than i ever would have imagined, and if you knew how much light you brought to my life, you would understand.

i was going to pick you up at christmas and bring you back with me, to resume your normal place at my side. you would have loved it here, and i was so excited to take you for walks on the beach, and let you enjoy the warm california sun. you always were a sun baby, lying for hours in the warmest spot you could find, whenever given the opportunity. in that regard, we were greatly alike.

they say that dogs take after their owners, and in your case i like to think that’s true. you were tough (remember picking that fight with riggins?), and yet so tender. playful and snuggly, always wanting to do things your way, and too smart for your own good. your sense of adventure and need for ‘escape’ has always paralleled my own. you know as well as anyone how much i hate feeling confined. i was always the type that, in three feet of snow, i’d go driving because i needed to know i could. you were much the same, always wanting to discover and explore, and i often felt guilty that you didn’t have more freedom to roam. but those restrictions came only from my own fear. fear that you would get lost, and that i wouldn’t be able to protect you. in the end, i guess that is exactly what happened.

i can’t help but feel guilty. about all kinds of things. i feel guilty that i am handling this so badly, when people i love have lost people they love. i feel guilty about imposing my sorrow on others, when they have their own sorrows to contend with. i feel guilty when errant thoughts pass through my brain like ‘it’s going to be a lot easier to find an apartment now.’ and i can’t help but think about what i could and should have done differently. i think about how i never intended to leave you for this long, and how maybe if i had told mom and dad to shake the treat box if you ever got away, you’d come right back, that maybe you would still be here. and of course, i can’t help feeling that i should have been there. even if there was nothing i could have done, just to have been there for you to know you hadn’t been forgotten or left behind. you hadn’t been abandoned, simply placed in the care of others who loved you, until i could make a place for us both here.

this is a day i have been dreading for many years, and never did i imagine it would come so quickly or abruptly. the more attached i became to you, and you to me, the more i worried about how i would cope when your life on earth came to an end. and to tell you the truth, i always thought that i would be married and have children when the time came to say goodbye. you have been with me through every major life change i’ve encountered, and i can’t quite reconcile that you won’t be here to experience the changes yet to come. it’s not fair.

you have been the one constant in my life. i already feel like my bearings are a bit ‘off’, and now i feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. i would have done anything to have you with me. i would have moved back to va, if i couldn’t find housing. i would have spent whatever money necessary to keep you here and in my life. if i knew that this unexpected, but relatively quick death, would save you from sickness or prolonged suffering in the future, there would be some comfort in that. and i am grateful that i never had to make a decision. i never had to decide if it was your time. i know now, that i would have been incapable of that decision. i would have wanted to keep you with me for as long as possible, under any circumstances. so, i suppose i’m glad that your quality of life never deteriorated...that you lived a healthy and happy life.

i hope that your last moments were not fearful ones, and i am so grateful that your little body remained in tact. the doctors at the emergency animal hospital seem to think that you suffered a concussion, and that your passing was nearly instantaneous. i hope with all my heart that they are right. the thought of you being scared or in pain is simply too much to bear.

i did my best to make sure that you felt neither of those things while we were together, but instead, somehow relay to you that you were loved and safe, and that your happiness was important to me. did you know just how much? did you know that every moment we spent together was a moment i was thankful for? that i never took for granted how much you enriched my life? that when i knelt in prayer, and expressed gratitude for my many blessings, your name was always spoken?

i have always felt you were a gift from god. that you were selected especially for me, to be what i needed you to be, just when i needed it. and i don’t know how, but you did always know what that was. every day, i could count on coming home to that expectant face and wagging tail. there was never any judgement when i got home later than usual, and you had to wait to go outside. always excitement and anticipation. whether it had been a good day or bad, it was always made better by walking through that door. and when life was especially hard, you always seemed to understand. no matter how much i wanted to wallow, or to be left alone, you simply wouldn’t allow it--not on your time. and now that i face a deeper sadness than i have yet known, you aren’t here to comfort me.

doggy self-portraits...just a few days before i left virginia

there are so many things i’ll miss. i’ll miss how much you loved to ‘sing’ along with sirens that came within earshot and how much you loved being near the water. i’ll miss our tug of war and always being amazed at how high that little body could jump! i’ll miss you licking my toes for what seemed like forever and how excited you got whenever you saw a squirrel. i’ll miss burying my face in your fur and resting my head on your stomach. i’ll miss your curiosity about the world around you and how fiercely you tried to protect me from strangers. i’ll miss having you slide under the covers with me. maybe that most of all. having you curl up into a little ball at my side, feeling your warmth, and knowing that tomorrow would be okay.

i have few fears in life, but one of the worst has now manifested. i no longer have to wonder how i will feel, how i will cope. i know, and it’s a knowledge i’d rather not have. there was no time to prepare, no gradual acceptance. my heart broke into pieces when i heard, and the healing of it is going to take a very long time. i feel your loss acutely, and wonder why. why now, why like this. but, i believe in a loving god, and i believe that no life is snuffed out without purpose. so i must trust in that, and give thanks for being entrusted with your care, even if it was shorter than i would have liked.

i believe that life exists beyond this mortal plane, and as such, that we will meet again. i have always loved the book ‘what dreams may come’ simply for the passage in which the main character arrives in heaven, and is immediately met by the faithful canine companion who shared his life. over the years, i have thought of that passage often, and simply cannot imagine a heaven in which such things don’t happen.

thank you for being such a loving and loyal companion. you loved me unconditionally, even when i didn’t deserve it. one day, i will be able to look back on our decade together wihout tears, and without sadness. you gave me so much joy in life, and one day, that will be what i remember, not how hard it was to lose you.

mom and dad will be picking you up this weekend on the way back, so they can take you home and bury your body in the backyard, under the bench. it’s the only thing i feel sure of. your body will be safe there, in a place that is familiar. i understand that your spirit no longer resides in that shell, and that it has returned to it’s true home. it seems fitting that your body should find rest at it’s home too. and of course, i need to somehow say goodbye. i wish that i had been able to hold you in my arms in your last moments. to rub your ears (you always loved that) and to tell you once more how much i loved you, and how grateful i was for you. i tried to tell you often in life, and pray that you understood what surpasses these inadequate words.

my dog cyra was hit by a car yesterday and did not survive.

happy thanksgiving.

dream psychology

dream:

i have a date with a guy who, it turns out, is an actor from 3:10 to yuma (i haven't seen it but it's at the dollar theater so i've been contemplating). it's actually christian bale, but in my dream state, i can only account for him as "an actor from 3:10 to yuma."

during my date, audrina from the hills shows up and totally kifes my man (she gave him her number, and somehow it's clear he is going to hook up with her). incidentally, in no world, dream or real, is she enough woman for christian bale.

i ditch the guy and lament (with actual tears) the clear violation of the girl code, before finding comfort in the arms of an unnamed man, who quite identically looks like riggins from friday night lights. end scene.

interpretation:

having all this time on my hands, and having watched just about every episode of every show available online, it has become clear that tv is very literally rotting my brain.

on that note, the good news is that i got a callback from the desired company today and they want to 'proceed to the next step'. in their case, what that means is a couple of online personality profiles, reference screening, criminal background check, etc. apparently that takes 'a few days', so i should hear back next week, and could be working as early as december 1 (well technically dec. 3, but dec. 1 sounds better). thanks to all those including me in their prayers and positive thoughts--please continue to do so!

bibliophile

in my freshman year of college, i took a course in contemporary fiction. one of the short stories we read was entitled 'the handsomest drowned man in the world,' and was my introduction to gabriel garcia marquez.

with quotes like this (below), i was an instant fan.

Even though they were looking at him, there was no room for him in their imagination... they also knew that everything would be different from then on, that their houses would have wider doors, higher ceilings, and stronger floors so that no one in the future would dare whisper, ‘the big blob finally died, too bad the handsome fool has finally died,’ because they were going to paint their house fronts gay colors to make Esteban's memory eternal, and they were going to break their backs digging for springs among the stones, and planting flowers on the cliffs so that in future years at dawn, the passengers on the great liners would awaken, suffocated by the smell of gardens on the high seas, and the captain would have to come down from the bridge in his dress uniform, with his astrolabe, his pole star, and his row of war medals, and pointing to the promontory of roses on the horizon, he would say in fourteen languages, ‘look there, where the wind is so peaceful now that it’s gone to sleep beneath the beds, over there, where the sun’s so bright that the sunflowers don’t know which way to turn, yes, over there, that’s Esteban’s village.

i loved the images marquez was able to create...the story stepped out of the confines of paper pages and took root in my imagination. and i was off to the book store for more of his work, most notably 100 years of solitude and love in the time of cholera. these books have been in my possession for nearly 13 years now, and i have read neither.

the other night, i saw a trailer for the movie version of 'love', and i had to consider why it was that i had not yet read the book. ultimately, i decided that it was out of fear.

my favorite book of all-time is les miserables, and after reading it, i got my hands on every piece of hugo's work i could find. invariably i was disappointed. and not just disappointed, but nearly devastated. i could not understand how an author could pen a novel so clearly divinely inspired, only to have his other works fall so short in my mind. there are those that will disagree with my feelings about his other works, the hunchback of notre dame foremost among them, but for me they were sick jests.

unbeknownst to me, i believe, that that created an irrational fear of being let down. i had so loved the handsomest drowned man, and could not put myself through that same disappointment if his other works did not measure up. so they got shelved.

usually i am working on three or four books at a time, and have the 'top 5 books to complete' with me. this has been number 5 for as long as i can remember, and as such, it was close by. when i saw the trailer, i knew it had to be made a priority, as i simply don't believe in seeing a movie before reading the book, unless i have no intentions of ever reading the book.

i've made it a few chapters in, and so far, there is no disappointment looming. in fact, i find that same imagery and storytelling mastery is just as present has it was in that short story read long ago, and i can't wait to finish!

in other book news...the geek blogs (namely engadget and gizmodo) are all abuzz with posts about amazon's new 'kindle' digital book reader. the reader will allow you to wirelessly download from amazon to read (ultimately) any book you can imagine wanting, including those hard to get and out of print books.

i typically like to be on the front edge of new technology, but in this case, i find myself torn. the advantages are unquestionably great. first, that ability to easily access books that are hard to find is amazing. and, since i am someone who typically travels with 6 or 7 books, my luggage and my arms would certainly thank me.

on the other hand, there is something about holding a book..breaking the spine, dog earring those memorable pages, or whipping out the highlighter/pen, that is immensely gratifying. that tactile sensation that fosters a perfect read, is not something that can easily be replaced by a digital tablet. so the question is, do the benefits outweigh the sacrifices? i know there are some fellow bibliophiles reading, and i'm curious about your thoughts...do share...

(ps aaron-i really am still working on 'clash')

rockin' it

yup. i really rocked it today.

first, i rocked the 2nd interview. of course, it didn't hurt to learn that my interviewer is mormon..along with several staff members. ah, the irony. even more ironic that this job has been screaming at me since the first time i saw the posting. can't really explain it, but this was the job i vocally expressed to family that i hoped would call. i don't know why. for all my attempts, i can't actually explain it, except to say that some things are simply meant to be, and sometimes i have an inkling of when/how that is.

aside from the randomly strange mormon connection (i mean it's not like i'm in utah!), i learned more about the company and the job, and it still feels like a very good fit. they are planning on making a decision next week, which hopefully will make a very happy thanksgiving--particularly since i will be solo on the big family day. mick, jenny and crew have departed hence to ut and id and the house is shockingly quiet. i'll admit that to a certain extent, silence is golden, but, i think that is scheduled to wear off tomorrow, when i start losing it because it's too quiet. so, here's hoping for that happy thanksgiving, with happy job news:)

after rocking the interview, i rocked the kitchen. my living circumstances over the past few years have resulted in minimal domesticity. i love to cook, but rarely do it, because i hate interfering in other people's space. but with the fam out of town, i had a little bit of freedom (which is not to say that anyone imposes restrictions on me but myself), so i had some fun with some leftover ingredients in the fridge. the result? bbq chicken pizza.

granted, i didn't make the crust from scratch, but i bbq'd the chicken, carmelized the onions, chopped the cilantro, etc. seriously, you're getting hungry just reading this, right? it was a terrific challenge not to inhale the ingredients before they all made it onto the pizza, but that first hot bite fresh out of the oven made all that restraint worth it. yum. i should have taken a picture, but that would have taken too long.

i was supposed to head to brandon and michelle's tonight, but brandon is going to be staying in the hospital through sunday while he has some more tests run. i may head up there tomorrow for some comic relief (as in, brandon can entertain me from his hospital bed), in the meantime, here's to rockin' it, because i so totally did.

by the way, why has everyone been soooo quiet lately? i continue to require your acknowledgment for the validation of my ego:) thanks in advance;)

reality

i just learned tonight that my records have officially arrived in the huntington beach 1st ward.

i don't know why, but it actually made me gasp. there are moments that reality sneaks up on me. in the first couple of weeks after my arrival, it was usually accompanied by fear and trepidation, self-doubt, and uncertainty about the future.

but now it's changed. the uncertainty still exists, but instead of fear and trepidation, it is accompanied by excitement and anticipation. one of my former co-workers farewell to me included the following comment: "six months from now, your life won't remotely resemble the life you have now."

isn't that friggin' awesome!

an anniversary of sorts

monday marked one month since my arrival in california.

give me a second to process that.

one month. do you remember when a month used to feel like an eternity? in some ways, it still does, but in most, i find myself wondering what happened to all of those days. what did i accomplish? how did i fill my time? did i make the most of it?

often the answer is a disappointing no, but in this case, i feel 'yes' is appropriate. maybe not a resounding yes, but a yes nonetheless.

i've spent a good deal of time job hunting or job pursuing. the bay area job, as i expected, was an option. on wednesday of last week, i had made the final decision not to continue the process, and informed the recruiter of such. what i didn't expect was just how much the company wanted me. on thursday and friday i considered to receive phone calls from various vps at the company...some trying to talk me into accepting the job, some just wanting to find out what reason i might have for not wanting it.

on paper, it was fantastic. a lot of money at a great company. my budgets would be enormous, my clients even more so. so how do you explain 'it just doesn't feel right.' i gave all of the logical reasons i could come up with, but i'm sure they all remain a little baffled. to a certain extent, me too.

but my decision has been confirmed, at least by my own reasoning. friday, i got a call from a company i had submitted my resume to about a month ago. i can't explain what about this particular position or company appealed to me, but as i've carefully tracked all the positions i've applied for, this one somehow stood out. i sent my resume to them three times...just in case.

the short of it is that i interviewed with them on tuesday. i had mixed feelings about how the interview went (the woman was completely unreadable!), but did feel strongly that it would be a good fit all around. the job itself is right up my alley--a corporate event position that seems to have everything i'm looking for...right type of events, right salary, right location (just over 10 minutes from my cousin's house).

the company is looking to move quickly. i have a second interview on friday, and i'm very optimistic. keep your fingers crossed!

so when not job hunting, i've been trying to make new friends and reconnect with old ones. i have been pleasantly surprised to find that in the former case, people here are friendly and open. i haven't met anyone yet with whom there was an instant 'click', but there is definite friendship potential all around. in regards to the latter, i have had a chance to spend more time with my high school friends--brandon and michelle in particular.

a couple of weeks ago, when the party discussion turned to 'buffy', it was suggested to me (as it has been many times over the years) that i really needed to see 'firefly', also created by joss whedon. so last friday we began the marathon to be continued tomorrow night.

it has been immensely fulfilling--the rekindling of these friendships. i have been fortunate enough to have maintained contact with a few old friends. though there are notable exceptions, most of my closest friends are people i've known for a decade or more. i can't help but wonder if that's not because the core of our personalities is formed very early on, so the self of our youth, is the purest self we ever are. we add experiences over the years. we pick up baggage and mature (hopefully), but perhaps the people that resonate with that self of youth, will always have the ability to do so. it's an imperfect theory, i realize, but in my case, i can't think of one close friend from years gone by, one who i chose consciously or unconsciously (not as a result of circumstance, but actual choice) who i think i couldn't/wouldn't be friends with today. and i have most certainly reaped the reward of my imperfect theory.

i got a call from brandon last night, and i didn't get the message until late. michelle sent an email today saying she'd like to chat, and when i called her, i was devastated to learn that last week--the day after our firefly marathon part 1--brandon was diagnosed with cancer. though he has been back in my life for all of two weeks (at least the physical presence part), the news came as an absolute shock. the good news is that it has been caught early, though they don't know yet exactly what they are dealing with. they know it's malignant. they know it's in his lungs (ironic, since he has never been a smoker), but they also know it did not start there. tomorrow morning they will be doing a more invasive procedure to determine the origin and the extent.

needless to say, there are a lot of prayers being said. tomorrow is a big day all around.

do you know the way to san jose?

i do.

first, you drive to john wayne airport. then you check in at the southwest ticket counter, move along through security to your gate, and onto the plane. there is a middle seat calling your name. then...voila!

the day after i arrived here in california--or i guess technically, the first business day after i arrived, i met with a recruiter. said recruiter does not specialize in event planning, however, several months ago, they happened to have an ep position open at a company they were repping some other jobs for.

i was underqualified and i knew it. but i was only lacking one requirement, and there are about 1% of the event/meeting planning population that possess it, so i applied anyway. i received a prompt phone call and learned that the company was being a stickler about that one thing (experience planning events with more than 100,000 people), but was told that they loved my resume and would like me to touch base when i arrived in ca.

the moment after i learned my previous job was not being extended afterall, i shot off an email, and an appointment was set. when i met with them in mid-october, they had a similar position open without the ridiculous requirement, and it sounded ideal--with the major exception being that it was located in northern california, between san jose and san francisco on south bay.

i have never had any intention or desire to live/work in northern california. frankly, in my mind, it defeats the purpose of living in california. i vividly remember being in san francisco one july 4th, and freezing in my sweater while i watched fireworks. i don't dislike fall/winter temps, but i dislike them in july.

aside from the obvious weather disadvantages, there are a few others. first among them is the fact that everyone i know in the state lives south of santa barbara. the idea of being completely alone the next time an earthquake strikes is less than appealing. there are also fewer lds singles in the bay area, which not only makes it more difficult to date, but it also makes it harder to find lds roommates, friends, etc.

but, when i was informed of the position, i thought, 'what the heck?' the money was...pretty darn awesome. even accounting for the high cost of living. as it turns out, my 'what the heck?' got me flown to san jose yesterday, on someone else's dime.

the last two weeks have involved a lot of debating between me and...me:) i went through two telephone interviews before learning they would like to fly me up for face to face interviews, and each day brought a new internal debate.

if the job were in southern california, it would be a no brainer. a done deal. but it's not, and that has been difficult to wrap my head around. there is a company out there who is very interested in me, and is willing to pay me a lot of money--including relocation costs to cover temporary housing while i get my bearings. they have treated me with a great deal of respect throughout the process and are global leaders in event planning. i would be working a single event for a ginormous client that anyone not living under a rock has heard of. the budget is about 10 times larger than any other single event budget i've ever managed. so of course, it would be stupid not to want it, right?

boy am i stupid.

i should explain that while there is not an offer on the table yet, i am pretty confident that it will come. i have always interviewed well, and in this case, after the phone interviews, i knew it was a high probability, which became even greater after yesterday's meetings. they have been looking at me for a few different positions, and as i suspected, the face to face was simply to better identify which one would be the best fit, not whether i would be a fit at all.

now, i genuinely liked the folks i met yesterday, and i think the company is great. it would certainly be a great way to advance my career. and of course, the fact that there haven't been a ton of bites in socal has given me pause. not cause for concern, but pause.

yet, when i got on that return flight, i couldn't help but think 'i just want to go home.' it was an errant thought, and it wasn't until a bit later that the significance struck me. there are a few places that feel like home--virginia of course, north carolina, as a result of school, and for better or worse, utah. i spent a significant amount of time in each of those places, and in the case of the latter two, it was months before they felt like 'home.' i have no business feeling that socal is home--not this quickly. yet there was no mistaking the thought.

i had already mostly decided not to pursue the position, despite the fact that i have a hard time fighting good solid logic, especially when it's me arguing the counterpoint (i'm very persuasive), but it was that thought that brought me peace. i have been feeling mostly confident that things will 'hit' here. and my gut says that they will start hitting all at once, i just need to be patient. it certainly didn't hurt that i received a random phone call and a random email today from companies that had seen my resume online. both positions are of interest, and reinforced my gut.

i am doing one more phone interview tomorrow with the norcal company--i figure it will help keep me sharp--but at this point, i have no intention of accepting an offer, so i will likely bow out after the interview.

i feel blessed that i have the kind of support that i do... my cousins, who have made it clear they won't be pushing me out the door in the immediate future, even though the month that the originally agreed to host me is nearly up. my folks, who continue to take care of my baby girl in my absence (i have resorted to sleeping with a stuffed dog!!), and the friends who listen and reason, and remind me that my instincts are usually good.

it has been an interesting process for me. i tend to always err on the 'everything happens for a reason' side of things, so i have struggled with this. was i suppose to go north, or was this happening for another reason? ultimately what it did, was singularly define what is important to me.

i don't want to sell my soul or my 'free' time for another rung on the corporate and financial ladders. i don't want to live 6 driving hours away from my closest relative. i don't want to wear sweaters in july. i want to be near family and friends. i want to enjoy going to work. i want to be able to pay my bills. and i want to lay out on the beach in october.

call me stupid.

look ma, friends!

on saturday night i attended the birthday party of an old friend. when i say old, i refer to the length of our association, not his age. and truth be told, we haven't been in contact for many years--which made said party quite fun.

as it turns out, several high school friends (my fellow drama geeks) have migrated here over the years. i've been in touch sporadically with brandon and his wife michelle (high school sweethearts still happily married some 12ish years and two children later), and he was the one who invited me to the shindig. he suggested that we make my attendance a surprise, and i though that was a fabulous idea.

so i headed up to la only slightly trepidatious. of the 5 here, 3 i had seen about 7 years ago, but the other two, i haven't seen in 13 years. thoughts like 'will they think i've aged well?' and 'will we still have anything in common?' ran briefly through my mind, but more than anything, i was excited about past meeting present.

when i arrived, i was greeted by a friendly stranger who introduced himself. it was a costume party, so i'm not entirely sure i would recognize him on the street, but he did alleviate any concerns i may have had about being at a decent size party for the first time in a long time (chalk it up to the last year and a half of anti-social behavior). i explained who i was, and who i was looking for and he offered to introduce me to some people, i suggested that perhaps he help me find the people i came here to see first, and he did.

brandon and michelle were the first to be found, which was probably good since they were the only ones who knew i would be coming.

brandon, me, michelle

i don't know how but after that, word got around quickly and bronwyn and kevin appeared shortly thereafter. there were hugs and greetings all around as we began to get caught up. the birthday boy (andy) was still missing from the scene, so i asked around a bit and found him in the kitchen. i simply walked up to him (with the gang in tow) and said 'i think i know you.' he responded 'uh-huh', and i said 'from a very very long time ago.' it was then that he pieced it together, and you've never seen someone look more shocked. so fun!!

me and andy

the remainder of the evening was spent catching up, and it took only one lengthy conversation dissecting the buffy and angel series, before i realized that the answer to my 'will we still have anything in comon?' question, was a resounding yes.

i was also pleased by the friendliness of the other party-goers, and a bit amused by the notoriety that had come along with me 'i've known them since high school' line. throughout the evening i had some extremely enjoyable conversations. for better or worse, this area is filled with so many bright, creative people, and it just so happens that those are my very favorite type of people to spend time with.

ye olde gang: top row-andy middle row-bronwyn,
(picture party crasher) oliver, me, kevin bottom row-michelle, brandon

the evening also boasted a great soundtrack (make sure you check out the 'wicked games' cover on the new playlist), and an interesting and entertaining birthday ritual.

i had arrived at the party at about 9:30 (started at 8) because i wasn't sure how long brandon and michelle would be able to stay with their two children. i expected i would be leaving by 11:30, yet it wasn't until 2am rolled around, that it was finally time to call it a night.

needless to say, i had a GREAT time, and have made plans for next weekend with brandon and michelle. yay! something to put on my calendar!