it happened again

the most awful horrible dreaded thing that has ever happened to me, just happened again. after three months of being back in my stake's singles ward with no calling, i was beginning to wonder if there was something wrong with me. i wish it had stayed that way.

what most people do not know about me is that i have an extreme fear of public speaking. stick me at a party with hostessing duties, and i am fine. but give me a pulpit with all eyes in the room directed at me, and it is an entirely other story. i cannot understae this particular fear. it creates a physical reaction in me that usually manifests itself in a vomitous fashion. fortunately, that stage hits before the actual 'performance' so as of yet, no one else has been victimized by my phobia. it doesn't matter if it is a talk in sacrament meeting, or simply directing the senior management to the next meeting room, it simply makes me ill.

four years ago, almost exactly, i was asked to serve in my ward as the gospel doctrine teacher. for the benefit of my non-lds readership, gospel doctrine is a scripture study class in which each year is a different book; old testament, new testament, book of mormon, and doctrine and covenants. at the time, old testament was being covered.

when i accepted the calling then, i was simultaneously laughing and crying. i was laughing because i have been blessed to be given some foreknowledge on matters like this, and i knew it was coming. i cried because i couldn't imagine a more awful thing to have to do. and every other week for nearly two years, i threw up, and i taught. it never got any better, and it never got any easier. but at the same time, i have never stood on firmer spiritual ground, or had a stronger testimony than i did when i was teaching. and even stranger than that, i am actually a pretty good teacher. i don't know how, but my unsuspecting pupils seem to never be the wiser about my great and terrible fear.

eventually after a couple of years, i finally escaped this traumatic calling by leaving the ward. but it seems that one cannot run from destiny. last night my home teacher, who is also in the bishopric, came to home teach and extend a calling. i feared it, i dreaded it, and i was even too afraid to vocalize it, because i thought it would tempt the fates just a little too much. but it seems that was irrelevant, because, as it would happen, the calling i have been extended is gospel doctrine teacher. and ironically, i will be teaching the same set of scriptures i taught before, and once again, i am terrified and nautious.

so why would i accept such a calling? because i believe in inspiration, and i believe in service. i believe that this calling is as much about getting me on better spiritual footing as it is about any wisdom i might impart to others.

i don't really know how i am going to do it. it takes me an average of 15 hours to prepare a lesson, and i simply don't know how to do it any other way. it's my process. and lucky for me, my first lesson will be two days before my huge event in october. i continue to learn lessons about humility and submitting to the lord's will, and look forward to the day when i have that mastered. in the meantime, there will be a lot of wailing and gnashing of teeth.