reappearances

i find it fascinating how life seems to operate in cycles. at the moment, aside from being in a sick cycle, i find that now seems to be a time for reappearances.

as of late, several people have popped back in my life unexpectedly. in almost every case the person is someone who seemed to have dropped off the face of the earth for no good reason--or none that i was aware of. but a few of the houdinis are men i've interacted with online who, at the time, decided to pursue other girls. these reappearances are usually clues that things didn't work out.

the strangest and most unexpected of all however, is a guy i knew/met about 12 years ago. back in the day, this whole online world wasn't exactly what it is now. but there was some sort of system--i'm not exactly sure how it was setup--between colleges, that would allow you to interact via chat and im, before chat and im really truly existed. actually, it's funny to think that i have technically been online dating for about 13 years! at any rate, i struck up a friendship with a boy in one of those chat rooms, (aaron, you'll love this) who's interest was peaked by my screen name: raistlin. for those not in the know, raistlin is the name of a pseudo-bad male wizard character in the dragonlance chronicles (letting my inner nerd shine through, here). it was an odd choice of screen name for an 18 year old girl, and perhaps that is what drew david to me in the first place. we had similar interests and passions, and though he was quite a bit older than i (i was 18, he was 21--LOL), there was a connection.

after three or four months of online and phone interaction, he wanted to meet. so, he took the train from new jersey (we were poor college kids with limited means of transportation) to spend new year's with me.

it became clear very quickly that he was interested in romance. in fact, it's the only time anyone's written a song for me (cliche, i know, but i remember it being pretty good). unfortunately though, i didn't return thosemfeelings. i didn't know how to express that without hurting his feelings, so i imagine he probably thought me a very confused girl.

being new year's, i knew that he would see the midnight hour as an "opportunity for clarity", shall we say. so, to avoid that, i concocted some crazy stories and plans, all of which fell through, leaving us in the car, driving, at the fated hour. no opportunity for kissing there.

i don't regret much in my life, but the way i behaved with and to him was something i have always been ashamed of. yes, i was young and i was stupid. but he had made an effort, invested both time and money, and instead of just saying 'i'm grateful for your friendship, but not interested in anything else,' i was aloof, cold, and in some cases just plain mean.

i have thought about him a lot--a lot more than one usually thinks about a brief encounter over a decade past, so when i recently logged into my myspace, i was absolutely shocked to see an email from him. ironically, the subject line said: i promise, you don't remember me

little does he know how often he has been thought of. there was nothing critical in his message, and i'm sure an apology 12 years after the fact is neither something he was seeking or needs, but i find that i am grateful to have the opportunity to give it nonetheless. it isn't often we get a second chance to do the right thing.