the passing of lara's mother

it's hard to believe that this picture was taken less than two months ago, and shows lara's mom looking more beautiful than i've ever seen her. the calm before the storm, i suppose. i hope no one will find this post insensitive or be offended by the public nature of it, but there are many of you who who have come to associate with and appreciate lara, and this just seemed the easiest way to spread the news that lara's mom passed away at approximately 1am this morning.

on the eve of my birthday party (the 27th) lara had gotten a call from her sister saying that her mother was having difficulty breathing, and that they were going to the hospital. she remained there for a couple of weeks, and no one could say or guess whether or not she would ever leave. so last week karen decided that she wanted to go home. lara knew that her mother was deciding to come home to die. she was supposed to have started another round of chemotherapy, but the complications of the cancer had done too much damage for her body to withstand another treatment, and it seemed that the chance of that ever happening were gone.

after getting karen safely home, lara called her sisters, and by friday they had come in from their various locations throughout the country.

as a result of some strange circumstances, i was able to spend some time with lara on tuesday. as anyone would expect, she was dealing with the entire gambit of emotions. she expressed anger, frustration, bitterness, and sadness. i have honestly never since someone go through so many emotions in a 30 minute time period. it was exhausting to watch. hmm. exhausting is not the right word, but i can't pin it down. i felt like at any moment, the smoke would start seeping from her ears and the automatic shut off would kick in. but in all that emotion, she was able to express a desire for her mother to move on.

for the few non-mormons reading this, i should explain that like many other christians, we believe in a heaven, our version is slightly different, but we believe that is a far far better place than this temporal plane. we also believe in eternal families that will be reunited after this life.

three or four weeks ago lara mentioned telling her mother she couldn't go, that she (lara) wasn't ready. after spending time with her hospital, she was able to tell her mother that she could go when she was ready, and all would be okay. by the beginning of the week, lara had come to feel strongly that it was time for her mother to rejoin her father on the other side of the veil.

karen's body had deteriorated very badly, and it was clear that recovery was not an option. she has lived with this disease for 5 years, which is about 4 years longer than her original diagnosis allowed for. she has had ups and downs, and there have been scares before. but none like this, and lara knew it was different.

i have always believed that the reason cancer is such an ugly disease is because it prolongs the agony, for the person carrying it, and in a different way, for those that love them. i know i'm not the only one who has been praying that karen go quickly, and it seems those prayers have been answered.

lara has had more than her fair share of tragedy, and at 36 years old, no longer has a living parent. sometimes i wonder what god is thinking when he heaps so many trials on one person, but ultimately i believe he is a loving god, and one that does not cause us to suffer any more than is necessary. i don't know why he sees fit to try some people so greatly, but i have always believed that we are not tried beyond what we are capable of handling, in which case, that makes lara pretty magnificent. although it's not as if i didn't already know that:)

before i proceed, let me first say that i realize that this is not about me. yet, i can't help but think about the fact that i am still here for this. i remember how awful it was when julie lost her sister. she was in viginia and i in utah. i didn't think for a second that i could actually do anything to help, but watching someone you love grieve for someone they love, with thousands of miles between you, is one of the most helpless feelings i've ever encountered. and i feel helpless enough as it is. there s no magic wand i can wave, no easy end to grief that i can provide. but i give really great hugs, and maybe that's something. i don't know. what i do know is that for the first time in the two years i have been trying to leave this place, i am grateful to still be here.

lara and i have known each other for years now, and our friendship has no business existing. we met in sacrament meeting, and spent a few minutes together at a ward fireside. then she moved to florida. the initial stages of our friendship developed via telephone line, and i still wonder how exactly that happened. but there was something that sparked. there have been times when we were close, and times when we were closer. the last couple of years would qualify as the latter. lara has become one of my most cherished friends. she has been a confidante and an advisor. someone to share a laugh with, or just as often, a few tears.

had the dice rolled any other of a million numbers, i would not be here for this. and though i'm not presumptuous enough to think there is anything i can do to ease her grief, at least i can be here if she thinks of something.

details re funeral have not been finalized, but i will post them when i get them.