a (nother) letter to a friend

dear cyra,

it's been a year and i'm writing another letter. i guess that's probably a pretty good indication that your loss still affects me. maybe it always will, or maybe it's been worse lately because this day has been on my radar for awhile. or maybe it's worse because my new job has me constantly interacting with or having conversations about animals--and most often, other dogs. all of my co-workers have dogs and cats, and every time someone asks me 'the question', i have to pause in order to keep it together long enough to explain why i don't. sometimes i'm more successful than others, and sometimes it results in embarrassing moments in trade show booths. the upside is that as far as embarrassing moments go, it's the right people to have it with.

last weekend my company hosted a charity function to benefit the animal cancer foundation. it wasn't your average charity function though. no black ties, no dual plate meals, no boring speakers. instead, over 500 people came out to walk their dogs along the peninsula in long beach. between the 90 degree temps and the backdrop of the queen mary and shoreline lighthouse the day was perfect for a dog walk.


i was up early saturday morning to help coordinate all of the setup, but during the 'race', i was posted along the 'route' to help keep the walkers on the right path. the types and sizes and ages of both the dogs and their people were all over the board. young and old, small and big. some dogs walking their owners, some owners carrying their dogs, sometimes in arms, sometimes in wagons. but the most significant moment for me was a dog-less one.


a middle-aged couple passed me sans dog and i asked if they weren't missing something. i said it jokingly, assuming there would be a family member with pooch, straggling behind. instead they turned away from me and pointed at the back of their t-shirts. on them was a picture of a dog, with the caption 'in memory'.


i almost choked on the realization of how insensitive my question must have seemed. but more importantly i finally came to terms with something. i'm not crazy. i'm not crazy for being so attached to you that one year later i still think about you all the time, and often with tears. i'm not crazy for still sleeping on my side so you can curl into your little ball at my stomach. i'm not crazy for feeling a slight twinge of guilt every time i consider getting another dog. or maybe i am crazy, but i'm not alone. you are quite literally my puppy love. and i'm not the only one who knows what that feels like.


last year at this time i felt the need to justify my attachment to you, and to explain why my grieving was so deep. this year i just acknowledge that for me, an animal's life has high value and yours, was priceless. as i watched hundreds of people and their canine companions pass by me on Saturday, it occurred to me that as humans, we owe you that. your love and loyalty are unconditional, and as a species you protect us, you comfort us, you serve us. the very least thing we can do to thank you for that is to mourn your loss when you go.


i continue to feel that loss. thank you for everything you added to my life. for helping me be a little less selfish and for keeping me sane. it's not the same without you. i hope that wherever doggy heaven is, that you are getting lots of belly rubs and milk bones there!