the tale of the red pants

anyone who has known me for five minutes, or has looked at even a few pictures of me, would be able to tell that i love black clothes.  in fact, it's not JUST black clothes i love, i just really love black.  i've always loved it, even before goth was a thing, and then in spite of it.  i even tried to convince my mom to let me paint my room black when i was 13 or 14 (we comprised on one black wall, one black and white checkerboard wall).  when it comes to clothes, not only do i feel like black is more slimming, but i also just think i look good in it.  it's a comfort thing, i'm sure.

so, nine or ten years ago, i bought a pair of red pants. capri pants to be specific.  it was kind of monumental, because at that point it was probably the only color not in a shade between black and gray in my closet.  and i loved them!  i thought they were fun and flattering and comfortable.  i wore them a lot, until i couldn't wear them anymore.

it wasn't that they wore out. no. sadly, it was because there came a point where they just didn't seem to fit any more.

these are the pants in 2006:

i don't know exactly when they stopped fitting - i think it was sometime later in 2006 or early 2007 - but i didn't have the heart to get rid of them.  they represented so many things to me, that i just kept moving them from place to place year after year.

in fact, they have sat, unwearable, on a shelf in my closet or drawer in my dresser for the last nine years.  for awhile, i kept thinking that surely they would fit again, someday soon. but soon was not to be.  and eventually, they came to serve as a visual reminder.  at that time (back in '06/'07) i was somewhat unhappy with my appearance. i felt fat. i thought i looked fat --you know, the 'every woman' complex -- and for the last several years, when i look back on photos of that time (and in those pants) i couldn't help wonder what was wrong with me! how could i not have been happy with myself then? i was so much thinner, healthier, and what i wouldn't give to get back to that.

so as a part of the upcoming move, i've slowly been going through things and getting rid of what i don't need/want.  this morning, i dug into a new batch of clothing i haven't worn in awhile and something incredible happened.  i tried on clothes i hadn't touched in years because maybe they were just a tad small when i bought them (hoping that i too would be smaller soon), and some of them fit!  in fact, some of them were too big!  shorts after dresses after pants after skirts, i tried on.  and eventually, it was time for the moment of truth - the red pants.

i couldn't believe it when they slid on easily, and buttoned more easily than i had ever remembered.  all of a sudden, the belt that was once just a fashion statement had become a necessity.

these are the pants today (i tried to recreate the earlier outfit as closely as possible):

last february i happened to be in a hotel room that had a scale.  i don't know how long it had been since i'd been on one, but for kicks, i stepped on, just to see.  and i was absolutely horrified.  clearly i had been in serious denial, because it had gotten out of control, and i hadn't even realized it. but i also felt helpless.  i was traveling A LOT, which is brutal on a diet. not only is it a challenge to eat well and practice healthy habits while on the road, but for the small windows of time in between those trips, i couldn't muster the motivation to do much more than drive through the local fast food joint.

so, when october rolled around and i was reviewing the upcoming calendar, i realized that i my travel was going to be very limited for the upcoming two or three months.  it was now or never time.

i started scouring the internet for recipes, focusing on low-carb/paleo/ketogenic options, and was pleasantly surprised at how far the food world has come in that regard.  i slowly started acquiring healthy base ingredients, learned to like left-overs, stopped eating late meals, and reduced my soda intake. it hasn't been all sunshine and roses, but since the beginning of november, i've lost 35 pounds.  i've actually eaten better (tastier) food then i'm used to at home, and learned to enjoy cooking.  i've hit some frustrating plateau's and had a few small backslides (always travel related), but overall, i've managed to keep moving forward.  i'm no longer tempted - or rather, i no longer find myself NEEDING the problem items (chocolate, chips, every kind of junk food), and the 'diet' has turned into a 'lifestyle'.  the way i look at food has changed, and so have my habits.

the funny thing about those pants is that i know i weighed less than i do now that last time i wore them.  i don't know exactly what that says about the shape of a body or how weight affects it at different stages of your life, but i know that i'm thrilled.  i've got 25-30 more pounds to go before i'm at my ideal weight, and i am looking forward to the day i can safely donate those pants because they are just too big!