dear (insert name here),it's me again. i still don't think i belong here, but there are some family and friends (you know who they are) who insist i have lost my mind, so i am where i am.
the great advantage of being here, is that this place is highly conducive to introspection. and to fill some of my time, i've been doing some reading. yesterday i picked up a book called the list. if you ever read he's just not that into you, you'll understand the general idea of the list. it's apparently the latest and greatest, and i have to admit, i found it compelling and worth the read (unlike the other book who's mere title was absolutely enough for me).
the book revolves around the principle that men have an 'alarm' that goes off when they meet the girl they want to or will end up marrying. and it provides seven very specific 'tests' to identify whether or not you have set off someone's alarm. the theory is that within thirty days, you will know if a guy is going to marry you.
i am not prone to believe everything i hear or read, in fact i am quite the skeptic, so i expected the book to be at most, entertaining. imagine my surprise when i also found it to be relevant.
the checklist that it goes through is very specific. i.e. if he doesn't make the first move, you haven't set off the alarm. or, if he doesn't call you within 48 hours to set up a date, you haven't set off the alarm. or if he doesn't call you within 24 hours of the last date to set up the next one, you haven't set off the alarm. or (and this one is tough to swallow) if he wants to develop the relationship via email, then you haven't set off the alarm. it is very clear about the fact that when you have set off the alarm, you become the top priority. he can't wait to talk to you or see you. his previous behaviors can and will fly out the window. he will make time for you and won't use excuses like 'it's late, i have an early day tomorrow' to not see you. this is true of nearly all happily married couples i know. he knew. and he knew pretty quickly. and he did the things on the list.
call me crazy (everyone else is, afterall) but this makes absolute sense to me. i've always joked semi-painfully, that i am never the girl that a guy sees across the room and says 'i want her.' i am the girl that they get to know and then they think, 'wow, she is awesome-- despite the fact that other people think she is crazy.' it's the reason why the vast majority of men i've dated have been friends first. and friends first isn't bad at all, but the truth of the matter is, i'm starting to understand that there is a guy (maybe more than one) who will look at me across a room and think 'i want her.' and he will know it, and i will know it, and i won't spend countless hours wondering if that movie last night was actually a date, or if we were just 'hanging out.'
and what if there is only one. just one guy on the face of the planet who will walk into a room and know that he has to meet me or he won't be able to live with himself. does that make me less desirable? less of a catch? no. it just makes me less common. and i need a man for whom common is unacceptable. that is the man who will love me despite all of my idiosyncrasies. he will love me when i am all dolled up for a night out. he will love me even more in a t-shirt and sweatpants, reading the latest people or entertainment weekly. he will be turned on when we get into a debate about the war on terrorism, even if we completely disagree. he will find my reality tv addiction endearing, and be beside himself at the fact that i often struggle to keep from smiling. he will appreciate my knowledge of music, and be grateful i care about my appearance, and am passionate about the theater. he will be in awe that i can be so moved by a book that it will bring me to tears. and he will think it's cute that i overthink everything and am a terrible morning person.
in realizing all of this, i couldn't help but reflect on all of the times i tried to fit a square peg into a round hole. i've gotten plenty of workouts doing this, i assure you. it seems like wasted effort now. the man for me will not fit into such a pre-defined category as 'square', he will be a shape all his own, and i won't entirely understand how, but he will fit with ease, and i will know it.
so i have cleaned the slate once again, as there is no one currently who has passed the 'tests', and am starting fresh. i'm spending more time on me--not in the selfish 'i can't give you my time' way, but in the 'i'm going to try new things and expand my horizons' way. i'll be sure to let you know how it goes. in the meantime, i'd appreciate your help in convincing my friends and family that i really am not crazy.
sincerely yours,
crushless in the asylum
8 comments:
thoughtful. nice post. That book just sounds like common sense.
As someone who gets called crazy or a freak on a nearly daily basis, welcome to the club. We even have a song. One my mom taught me when i was a small child.
please teach it to me!
I don't think the book is common sense. I think when you read it you think....ah, yes, that makes sense. Rarely, however do people follow that advice. It is sensable...not common!
The part that is common sense is that you will find someone that loves you for you. It is just the route you take to get there that may change.
I knew Dylan was in for the long haul when he said I was cute in the morning! You've seen me in the morning. My hair is everywhere, thick glasses....I am anything but "cute!"
ah, the old adage that common sense isn't all that common.
I can honestly say that every guy I have had a serious relationship with I knew it would happen before we even got to the first date. I knew it was going to be "something" from the minute we met. And they all did too. I completely agree with the "tests."
I'm not sure I agree with the 48 hours to set up a date rule. When my alarm really goes off I usually take a little time to come up with the best approach.
I'm not an expert on female advice books, but I get the impression that they all error by assuming that all men act the same way.
there are always exceptions, but it should be noted, you are still single..you're alarm hasn't gone off:) you've had false alarms.
"he will be turned on when we get into a debate about the war on terrorism"
snort!!! Ok, I shouldn't mock, but that is a very odd fetish. If I found a girl that could talk about Osama bin Laden while simultaneously nibbling on my ears I might be able to get into it though.
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