just when i think i've got it all figured out

i am baffled. befuddled. bewildered. discombobulated. flummoxed. flustered. perplexed.

all synonyms for confused.

i am not an indecisive person. in fact, my decisiveness has often been one of my greater weaknesses along with one of my greater strengths. i cannot recall one other decision in my life that has had me flailing so wildly as this impending move has. just when i thought for sure it would be california, i got news that changes everything yet again.

why is it that in regards to this move, every time i think i have finally settled on the right decision, the rug seems to be pulled out from under me? i am finding it difficult to stand on my feet for any length of time.

i was working on a post last week, and early this, about all the reasons southern california felt 'right'.

first and foremost, i *may* have found a place to live outside of san diego. when the seemingly perfect roommate posting came across my inbox, i sighed with dismay (i'm very dramatic that way), since the spot would be available in july, but i'm not going until september. imagine my surprise at finding that the poster was willing to 'wait for the right person.' oooh. oooh. oooh. pick me! pick me! no really, everything about it seems like it was tailor made to meet my needs..i can have the dog (she has one too), the rent is good, it's fully furnished (i'm not taking a stitch of furniture with me), the girl seems cool...so, basically perfect!

not to mention that i also learned my old and favorite bishop is currently living about 10 miles from my possible future home. we would be in the same stake, and he has offered his home as a 'landing' place until i get my bearings. in addition, he also happens to be an executive vice president at his company, and i have worked for him in the past. when i returned to virginia, he employed me temporarily so i would have an income while i searched for jobs in my field. i think that is possible again.

people have come out of the woodworks to pass along my resume to friends and colleagues in the san diego area.

it all seemed to be falling into place.

then, the one thing i can conceive of (though i did not conceive of it) that would cause me to question, has happened.

my company just made it's largest acquisition to date. the company being acquired happens to be based in durham, nc. many of you will remember that i tried unsuccessfully for nearly two years to secure a job in order to move there.

and now, based on all of the little pieces fitting in just the right way, i think it is highly likely that i could move there and keep my current job.

the last administration would never have allowed it. our ceo was more touchy feely than this new one, and if he wanted to see me, he wanted to see me in his office, immediately. it was a 'comfort' to have me nearby. but the new ceo has no such needs of me. all he cares about is that the job gets done.

it would be easy to return here for site inspections and events, and i would have a place to stay.

the biggest advantage of all, is that i would maintain my salary. since nc has a far lower cost of living, this would allow me to live more comfortably than i will be able to in san diego, and more comfortably than i could have, had i found a job based in north carolina.

julie and colby are in the raleigh area. as are several others who have recently relocated. there would be emotional support there, and i have always loved north carolina. yet a part of me has always dreamed about living in california.

i have received advice already that i should pursue both options and see what happens. the problem for me in doing so, is twofold.

the first is that, if i do pursue relocation with my existing employer, arrangements and accommodations will have to be made. if i ultimately decide not to follow through, in a way, i would be betraying those assisted me.

the second is that, if i pursue the north carolina option, i think it's likely it could happen quickly. more quickly than september. i fear that i will have to make a choice before i am truly ready, and just because it may be easy and fast, does that make it right?

i simply don't know. california will be harder. but it also holds more 'opportunity' in my mind. it is a relative unkown with so many possibilities. north carolina is more comfortable, and it would keep me closer to the people i love, while still getting the change of scenery i so desperately need. granted, i have been anxious to leave my current job, but perhaps that would change if i could do it from elsewhere. i recognize that i have a pretty sweet set up as it is, and will likely have to take a paycut wherever i go..even california. and that would make living there far more difficult.

there are advantages and disadvantages to both courses. both are places that i want/have wanted to live. and if i didn't feel strongly that there is a 'right' decision here, i wouldn't be so addled. but i do. i think there is somewhere i am supposed to be. and yet again, i'm not sure where that is.

as i said...baffled. befuddled. bewildered. discombobulated. flummoxed. flustered. perplexed.