the passing of lara's mother

it's hard to believe that this picture was taken less than two months ago, and shows lara's mom looking more beautiful than i've ever seen her. the calm before the storm, i suppose. i hope no one will find this post insensitive or be offended by the public nature of it, but there are many of you who who have come to associate with and appreciate lara, and this just seemed the easiest way to spread the news that lara's mom passed away at approximately 1am this morning.

on the eve of my birthday party (the 27th) lara had gotten a call from her sister saying that her mother was having difficulty breathing, and that they were going to the hospital. she remained there for a couple of weeks, and no one could say or guess whether or not she would ever leave. so last week karen decided that she wanted to go home. lara knew that her mother was deciding to come home to die. she was supposed to have started another round of chemotherapy, but the complications of the cancer had done too much damage for her body to withstand another treatment, and it seemed that the chance of that ever happening were gone.

after getting karen safely home, lara called her sisters, and by friday they had come in from their various locations throughout the country.

as a result of some strange circumstances, i was able to spend some time with lara on tuesday. as anyone would expect, she was dealing with the entire gambit of emotions. she expressed anger, frustration, bitterness, and sadness. i have honestly never since someone go through so many emotions in a 30 minute time period. it was exhausting to watch. hmm. exhausting is not the right word, but i can't pin it down. i felt like at any moment, the smoke would start seeping from her ears and the automatic shut off would kick in. but in all that emotion, she was able to express a desire for her mother to move on.

for the few non-mormons reading this, i should explain that like many other christians, we believe in a heaven, our version is slightly different, but we believe that is a far far better place than this temporal plane. we also believe in eternal families that will be reunited after this life.

three or four weeks ago lara mentioned telling her mother she couldn't go, that she (lara) wasn't ready. after spending time with her hospital, she was able to tell her mother that she could go when she was ready, and all would be okay. by the beginning of the week, lara had come to feel strongly that it was time for her mother to rejoin her father on the other side of the veil.

karen's body had deteriorated very badly, and it was clear that recovery was not an option. she has lived with this disease for 5 years, which is about 4 years longer than her original diagnosis allowed for. she has had ups and downs, and there have been scares before. but none like this, and lara knew it was different.

i have always believed that the reason cancer is such an ugly disease is because it prolongs the agony, for the person carrying it, and in a different way, for those that love them. i know i'm not the only one who has been praying that karen go quickly, and it seems those prayers have been answered.

lara has had more than her fair share of tragedy, and at 36 years old, no longer has a living parent. sometimes i wonder what god is thinking when he heaps so many trials on one person, but ultimately i believe he is a loving god, and one that does not cause us to suffer any more than is necessary. i don't know why he sees fit to try some people so greatly, but i have always believed that we are not tried beyond what we are capable of handling, in which case, that makes lara pretty magnificent. although it's not as if i didn't already know that:)

before i proceed, let me first say that i realize that this is not about me. yet, i can't help but think about the fact that i am still here for this. i remember how awful it was when julie lost her sister. she was in viginia and i in utah. i didn't think for a second that i could actually do anything to help, but watching someone you love grieve for someone they love, with thousands of miles between you, is one of the most helpless feelings i've ever encountered. and i feel helpless enough as it is. there s no magic wand i can wave, no easy end to grief that i can provide. but i give really great hugs, and maybe that's something. i don't know. what i do know is that for the first time in the two years i have been trying to leave this place, i am grateful to still be here.

lara and i have known each other for years now, and our friendship has no business existing. we met in sacrament meeting, and spent a few minutes together at a ward fireside. then she moved to florida. the initial stages of our friendship developed via telephone line, and i still wonder how exactly that happened. but there was something that sparked. there have been times when we were close, and times when we were closer. the last couple of years would qualify as the latter. lara has become one of my most cherished friends. she has been a confidante and an advisor. someone to share a laugh with, or just as often, a few tears.

had the dice rolled any other of a million numbers, i would not be here for this. and though i'm not presumptuous enough to think there is anything i can do to ease her grief, at least i can be here if she thinks of something.

details re funeral have not been finalized, but i will post them when i get them.

holiday weekend

early last week(on my birthday, actually), my co-worker and friend, koh, extended an invitation to join her and her husband jim at their beach house. over the last few years there has been much talk of said beach house (though not too long ago it was a beach condo), and it was an invitation i could not refuse.

the week was fraught with emotional challenges at the office, so when friday arrived, i was more than ready to exchange my fluorescent lit cave for the sun and sand of rehoboth beach, de. and, since the office was a virtual graveyard, i decided to skip out a bit early. i made my way to the gas station before heading home to pack, and my phone rang. it was the main office number. i was a little confused as to who was left and might be calling...

me: this is tara?
her: hi tara, this is sandi, the south building receptionist. are you in the building?
me: i'm not
her: are you coming back?
me: do i need to?
her: there's a delivery here for you

(internal monologue about whether whatever it was was worth going back for, or could wait the weekend)

me: okay. i'm getting gas, then i'll swing by.
her: (sing-songy "i know something you don't know" voice) okay, see you soon!

so, i got my gas and headed back to the office. when i walked into the building i could see through the glass doors that there was a gorgeous flower arrangement. sandi had a grin on her face, and said simply "i didn't want to give away too much!"

por moi??

i will happily provide additional details in more private forums if requested, but let me just say, i was reminded once again, that there are still some good men out there! needless to say, it was a wonderful way to kick off the weekend!

i headed home, carefully transporting the flowers, and finished my packing. not wanting to get caught in traffic, i ran a few errands, checked a couple items off the 'to-do' list, and basically stalled, until 8ish, when i eventually headed out. my little plan worked wonderfully and with little to no traffic, i was arriving at the house about 3 hours later.

i have known koh since the first days of my employment at sra. we have always (lovingly) referred to her as koh-nado, because she is an absolute force of nature. full of energy, ideas, and enthusiasm, it's virtually impossible not to feel the wind rush by you when koh is near.

though it took me a little while to warm up to her (i thought she was a little crazy), she has become not just my co-worker, but my friend. she has been my confidante, my sanity, and my advisor. there is a fairly significant age difference between us, so she speaks from an older wiser perspective, and i listen.

we don't share all of the same beliefs, yet in an environment where talking religion can be dangerous and taboo, she has not only sought to understand that part of my life, but treated it with respect and reverence.

koh is one of the most loving and selfless people i have ever known. her greatest desire in life is to make those around her happy--most specifically her husband, but none are safe from her generosity and caring. the relationship between koh and jim is one of self-sacrifice, adoration, and complete and utter devotion. this is a couple in whose presence, you can't help but be uplifted, and theirs is the kind of relationship i aspire to.

it goes without saying that i was looking forward to my weekend there.

on saturday morning, after the previous night's late arrival, we took our time warming up for the day. jim got word that his brother, who had recently been hospitalized by a heart attack, was having difficulties, and jim took his leave to make the 3 hour drive to maryland to be with he and his sister-in-law.

koh and i headed to the beach, and having decided against fighting the expected crowds at rehoboth, made our way to lewes beach on the bay side. it was the right decision. the water was warm and calm, and the crowding minimal.



for hours we talked, read, snacked, and enjoyed the perfect weather. given the 'talking' part, i was completely unaware of the amount of sun i was getting, and as a result never bothered to 'flip' rendering me sunburned...on one side:)

happy to have any color at all!

i knew that sunday would bring an opportunity to remedy my idiocy, so i wasn't too concerned.

the evening was spent grilling and watching movies, and jim returned home late feeling better about his brother's situation.

sunday morning was an especially late start. though up at a decent hour, we were all in slow motion. eventually we headed out. koh had some things to take care of at verizon, so we made a stop there before proceeding onward to moe's.

moe's is an expanding chipotle-esque chain with the most fantastic queso, and our stop there is only significant because it is owned by my hosts. within the last couple of years, jim and his son tim, along with koh's help, have opened two moe's restaurants in delaware with a third on the way. i had seen the place under construction, but had never had the opportunity to see the finished result. i was treated to a delicious lunch before heading back to the house, and some wonderfully relaxing time at the pool.

mmmmm.queso

welcome to moe's!

after a couple of hours, koh left me to lounge by myself while she and jim headed to a nearby care facility to visit her father.

i was able to even out the sunburn a bit before the sun went down, and when jim and koh returned, we grilled steaks, and enjoyed dinner together.

i had originally planned on departing early this morning, but i began debating the possibility of leaving late (midnight-ish) last night, knowing that it is easier for me to stay up than get up. but koh convinced me i was too tired to drive back, and i concurred.

after watching a movie, we called it a night.

sometime in the middle of the night (it turned out to be 3:30am) there was a knock on my door and koh was suddenly sitting on my bed. jim's brother had flatlined, and they had been able to re-stabilize him. the two of them were going to head up, and koh gave me instructions for getting out of the house when i was ready.

sometime later (turned out to be 4:50am) i became semi-conscious of commotion downstairs, and suddenly heard someone running up the stairs. it was koh, and jim's brother had not made it. unfortunately, after years of alcoholism and drug use, his recent abstinence was not enough to make up for the damage done, and his heart was not strong enough to keep him alive.

since i was up, i decided i would go ahead and get myself together and head out. i stalled a bit, not wanting to interfere with the private grieving of my friends, and shortly after their departure, i got on the road as well.

though the weekend came to a sad conclusion, i am grateful for the rest and relaxation it provided. more importantly, i am grateful for the opportunity it gave me to spend 'quality' time with people i care about. these opportunities become far more treasured the closer my departure looms.

inbox birthday greetings

this morning, i have received birthday wishes from the following....

dierks bentley
wmzq
cold stone creamery
borders
gold's gym
lds mingle
palm beach tan
barnes & noble
jason aldean
jason mraz
dsw

why do i feel like my life just got summed up :)

happy birthday to ME!

so this is what 31 looks like? i am so completely okay with that.

thank you lara, for letting me pretend awhile longer;)

in fact, this is the best birthday in recent history, and i'm only an hour and 19 minutes in.

obviously the birthday festivities began early, and involved a strange combination of activities that wove themselves into a wonderfully perfect pattern.

there were no grand trips, no dramatic rebellions. and even though the weekend involved quite a bit of work, that was also a blessing (overtime is time and half, and that makes tara a very happy girl).

i had a chance to see my boyfriend in bourne ultimatum with lara and nick. anne and i enjoyed breakfast and the nanny diaries (HER birthday activity). aaron and cindy treated me to cheesecake factory and stardust.*

and to top it all off, the culminating event, the birthday bbq at lara and nick's.

i'm sure i won't express this adequately, but have you ever had the feeling of really connecting to a moment? your thoughts laser focus on only that experience, and that focus brings a sense of wonder, awe, and most importantly, gratitude. i think it's what they (the great inimitable they) call joy.

i find that in general i am a happy person, but joy is so much more than happiness, and so much harder to grab hold of.

this weekend was filled with joy.

this is what 'joy' looks like

special thanks go to lara and nick for their continued love and patience (and attempts at domesticity on my behalf), aaron** and cindy who are perhaps the unlikeliest of friends, yet among the most cherished, and anniebean, my self-portrait soul sister.

and to the rest of you kooky kids, thank you for helping me celebrate, and for all that you contribute, on a daily basis, to my life!

the rest of the pics are here...

* thought ultimatum was much better than supremacy, not quite as good as identity. nanny diaries was exactly what i expected--cute, but not outstanding. stardust, was my favorite of the weekend, and a definite 'to own'.
**aaron--one night, i'm coming over, and we're going to take self-portraits all night long. this needs to happen sooner rather than later, fyi.

woo-hoo!

i'm so happy!