a (nother) letter to a friend

dear cyra,

it's been a year and i'm writing another letter. i guess that's probably a pretty good indication that your loss still affects me. maybe it always will, or maybe it's been worse lately because this day has been on my radar for awhile. or maybe it's worse because my new job has me constantly interacting with or having conversations about animals--and most often, other dogs. all of my co-workers have dogs and cats, and every time someone asks me 'the question', i have to pause in order to keep it together long enough to explain why i don't. sometimes i'm more successful than others, and sometimes it results in embarrassing moments in trade show booths. the upside is that as far as embarrassing moments go, it's the right people to have it with.

last weekend my company hosted a charity function to benefit the animal cancer foundation. it wasn't your average charity function though. no black ties, no dual plate meals, no boring speakers. instead, over 500 people came out to walk their dogs along the peninsula in long beach. between the 90 degree temps and the backdrop of the queen mary and shoreline lighthouse the day was perfect for a dog walk.


i was up early saturday morning to help coordinate all of the setup, but during the 'race', i was posted along the 'route' to help keep the walkers on the right path. the types and sizes and ages of both the dogs and their people were all over the board. young and old, small and big. some dogs walking their owners, some owners carrying their dogs, sometimes in arms, sometimes in wagons. but the most significant moment for me was a dog-less one.


a middle-aged couple passed me sans dog and i asked if they weren't missing something. i said it jokingly, assuming there would be a family member with pooch, straggling behind. instead they turned away from me and pointed at the back of their t-shirts. on them was a picture of a dog, with the caption 'in memory'.


i almost choked on the realization of how insensitive my question must have seemed. but more importantly i finally came to terms with something. i'm not crazy. i'm not crazy for being so attached to you that one year later i still think about you all the time, and often with tears. i'm not crazy for still sleeping on my side so you can curl into your little ball at my stomach. i'm not crazy for feeling a slight twinge of guilt every time i consider getting another dog. or maybe i am crazy, but i'm not alone. you are quite literally my puppy love. and i'm not the only one who knows what that feels like.


last year at this time i felt the need to justify my attachment to you, and to explain why my grieving was so deep. this year i just acknowledge that for me, an animal's life has high value and yours, was priceless. as i watched hundreds of people and their canine companions pass by me on Saturday, it occurred to me that as humans, we owe you that. your love and loyalty are unconditional, and as a species you protect us, you comfort us, you serve us. the very least thing we can do to thank you for that is to mourn your loss when you go.


i continue to feel that loss. thank you for everything you added to my life. for helping me be a little less selfish and for keeping me sane. it's not the same without you. i hope that wherever doggy heaven is, that you are getting lots of belly rubs and milk bones there!

week in review

been a doozy! between moving, a big work event, and a last minute trip to santa barbara, i'm still catching my breath.

truth be told, i couldn't get out of my old house fast enough, so every night last week was consumed with moving, moving, and more moving. my new home is only a mile or so from my last and yet somehow, worlds apart. being here has lifted a weight even heavier than i realized, and already i find myself nesting. the instinct has lain dormant for some time and there is nothing subtle about it's reappearance. at the moment, i'm pondering window treatments and redoing the bathroom. :)

on saturday morning i was up early (5am!) to head to long beach for my event. despite the early hour, i was excited for this one. i'll post more later when i get the pics uploaded from my other camera, but i found myself on more than one occasion thinking 'this is my JOB?!' in a good way, not in an ''oh no, what did i do?' way.

after the event and clean up were finished, i rushed home, dropped off the rental van, threw a bag together and headed to santa barbara.

the santa barbara trip was semi-spontaneous. not on par with the utah trip, but not too far behind. originally i was going to be heading up next weekend to spend some time with a friend, and finally check the monarch butterfly migration off my list, but when jesse the weatherman called on friday to suggest that the temperature might be more suitable this weekend than next, i decided it was worth a shot.

i was slightly hesitant given the state of both my starting and destination points. you see, we've been on fire, both here (and by 'here' i mean that we had air scrubbers brought into our office building to help minimize the headaches and nausea from the smoke) and there (by 'there' i mean that just past my destination exit, i glimpsed a sign that said 'caution. fire equipment ahead') .

given that being stopped in traffic regularly causes my engine temperature to sky rocket (broken fan) and road closures due to fires, my hesitation came primarily from fear of traffic. but jesse was on standby, checking the traffic and providing me with a clear route--which on a warm and gorgeous day, also happened to be a stunning drive.

i arrived in great time, although too late for butterflies, so instead we went for dinner at what i think is my favorite favorite eatery in the area. i specifically requested beach grill for dinner after having been there once last year. it's a toss up whether it's the phenomenal burger or the spectacular setting that is more appealing. this was the view from our picnic table:


the rest of the night was no less awesome, what with ice cream, followed by hot chocolate, followed by bond. tantamount to perfection, really.

i will say that i prefer casino royale over quantum of solace but that could change with a little bit more sleep.

sunday brought with it more goodness. sleeping in and good food and voyeurism. that's right, voyeurism.


though not quite in peak season, the monarchs were out in droves. it took awhile to adjust my eyes and realize that the leaves i had been looking at were actually completely covered in butterflies. but once i did, i was amazed at how many were there. from time to time some movement would cause some of the monarchs to take flight, and there were a couple truly magical moments. i need to head back in january when the numbers have swelled, and hopefully i have a longer lens!

overall, it was an awesome couple of days. spending time with jesse is in and of itself a highlight, but the weekend was full of them!

christmas music, the playlist, the past, and starting over

seriously. christmas music? already? i was in a popular clothing store yesterday that i won't name, but starts with 'forever' and ends with '21', and there was christmas music playing. i know better than most that christmas here is different than in a lot of other places. it's tough to get in the mood when it's 80 degrees and the christmas lights are strung on palm trees. but does that really mean we need to start listening to the music at the beginning of november? is that really going to help?

*****

there's a new playlist up. sorry this one took soooooo long. i've been enjoying it for over a month now, but have been too busy, sick, inaccessible (insert other excuses here) to update. the first song is my new theme song, but the whole playlist is pretty awesome.

*****

so, the past is a funny thing. it's pretty good at finding it's way into the present. sneaky little bugger.

most of the time a present visit from the past wreaks havoc and leaves destruction in it's wake. over the last couple of weeks however, i have had three 'visits' which have been both surprising, and pleasing.

the first would be the return of an old(ish) friend who, i suspect, keeps hoping for a cameo/reintroduction here. i can assure both you and him that in a couple of weeks, when there accompanying photos, a proper reintroduction will be made.

the second was an even older friend, who i lost when he was forced to choose between his bride-to-be, and me. just for the record, i wasn't the one issuing the ultimatum, but as self-inflated as my ego is, i think the choice was and is obvious. that being said, it seems enough time may have passed, and he recently made contact. i have often wondered about and prayed for this friend, and couldn't be more excited to hear that he is doing well, straight from the horses mouth. i've also never been so glad to have been wrong about something.

the last appeals to my sick and twisted side. i learned yesterday that an ex from a couple years ago (the one that ripped my heart out, caused me to lose 10 pounds and spend months crying, whose name starts with jer and ends with emy) is still single. what is so gratifying about this news is that the last time i heard (over a year and a half ago), he was engaged. i know it's evil, but the fact that he didn't 'beat' me, that there is still one ex there who hasn't started a happy little family, and that it's him, just makes me think 'HA!! there IS justice in the world!'

*****

big, exciting, wonderful news! i found a place to live. not just a place to live, actually, but a place i feel great and peaceful and excited about! after months of misery, i feel like a burden has been lifted. i'll be moving this week ( i know, it's been crazy!) about a mile from where i currently live. and though i'll be adjusting to a smaller space (i've been completely spoiled by this house) i'll have my own bathroom, be saving a good deal in rent, and most importantly, be living in a place with really nice girls and no alcohol, or...other stuff. starting over is a wonderful wonderful thing.

excite me already!

roughly two weeks ago marked the one year anniversary of my move to california.

here are some of the standout moments in no particular order:

1. been through one job and started a second
2. been through two homes and am looking for the third
3. been through one ward calling, and now hold a second
4. had 8 friends come to visit from out of state (most of whom didn't actually come to visit me)
5. been in one 'serious' relationship
6. lost my only pet
7. visited utah three times
8. visited virginia twice
9. visited portland twice
10. bought a bicycle for the first time (ever)
11. met cal ripken
12. saw joshua radin live for the first time (the second time will be in december!)
13. rode a segway
14. played a building
15. attended a wedding (thank heavens, only one)
16. attended a baptism
17. had a sleepover
18. chopped my hair
17. checked the following items off my 'hot list':
-Grauman's Chinese Theater
-House of Blues
-Kodak Theater
-Walk of Fame
-Hollywood Sign
-Aquarium of the Pacific
-The Getty Museum
-The Getty Villa
-Autry National Center
-Griffiths Observatory
-Mission San Juan Capistrano
-Knott's Berry Farm
-Six Flags Magic Mountain
-Anaheim Angels
-Anaheim Ducks
-Breeder's Cup
-Pageant of the Masters
-Sawdust Festival
-San Diego Wild Animal Park
-Zions National Park (twice)
-Arches National Park
-Canyonlands National Park

so, it's been a busy year. a great year. a year full of challenges and triumphs. a year full of miracles and blessings. in my next year of life in california, i hope for more of the same (though i could handle a slight decrease in the challenges), and maybe the addition of just one thing that i can be insanely excited about and energized by...for more than a couple weeks or months. in the meantime, i remain conscious of and grateful for the gifts this year has presented.

p.s. men suck

behind...again

seriously, where is the time going? at the moment, i'm sitting in a hotel room in san diego coloring my hair. multi-tasking has always been a strong suit of mine.

i'm here for my first trade show with the new company. blech on trade shows. but pretty dang cool that i get to be around people all day who are crazy about animals like i am crazy about animals. on the show floor today were a couple of snow white great pyrenese, an oversized black rabbit of some sort, and a multitude of pet and veterinary related products. it's making my recent acceptance that another dog might be in my future (not immediate, but forseeable), seem a little more imminent.

though of course, there is always the housing situation to be dealt with. said housing situation has varied from barely tolerable to outright hell since i moved in in february. after months of drunk strangers (guests of my roommates) making life intolerable in multitudinous ways, i am finally getting out! i have no idea where i am going yet (though i plan to stay in huntington), but i don't care. thanks to my prayers and those of others, i have finally found a replacement, and have a couple weeks to figure it out. :) that little smiley face says a lot. the fact that i would actually be excited about moving (my least favorite thing on the planet) says much about how bad it has been.

but, truth be told, it's been the only bad thing in my life, and for that i'm grateful. the rest of my utah trip was amazing. i attended my first general conference session ever (thanks to my cousin mel, and my cousin jan for giving me the tivket mel had offered her).


corey played hookey and we hit the alpine loop for a taste of fall.

i spent time with cousin katie (and mel)


went to hogle zoo with my friend and former co-worker charity.


visited friends heidi and dave, who i haven't seen since their move to utah years ago! the visit was an invite i issued to myself, that went like this:

ring. ring.

dave: hello?
me: hey dave, it's tara
dave: hey tara!
me: what are you guys up to?
dave: heidi is at costco and i'm just hanging out
me: do you have wireless internet?
dave: we do:)
me: can i come over?
dave: yep!


met cousin laurie's new baby laynie and played with zach and parker.


attended the 'legend of sleepy hollow' with corey, jill, and long time friend emilie, to watch her husband pat pursue his love of acting.


talked melanie and friends into visiting a haunted house with me.


met cousin jan (with aunt shannon) for a delicious meal.


played laser tag and arcade games, and raced go karts with cousin pam and her new husband ben.


headed southeast to arches national park (another stamp in the national parks passport) where i hiked (yes, I hiked!) up to delicate arch.


left arches just in time to hit canyonlands national park (one more stamp) for an incredible sunset.


got dumped on by a surpise snowstorm in scary scary mountain passes in southern utah Trust me, this pic doesn't do it justice).


and finished off the trip by meeting corey and jill at zions national park (already HAD that stamp!)


needless to say, it was an AMAZING trip.

much more goodness has happened since my return, but that will have to wait for another post!