have you ever gone through a period that started with you being anti-social, and then ended up with you feeling like you were being excluded from everything. it's this weird cycle i go through every year. i get burned out, so i take a break. withdraw a little, take some deep breaths, focus on me. and after a little while of the self-imposed down-cycle, the paranoia sets in, and i start to wonder if i actually did it to myself, or if the truth isn't that everyone just got sick of me, and no one wanted to tell me. that's where i'm at now.
fortunately, if history holds true, the paranoia will eventually disperse, and i will soon be back in the full swing of things. but it always takes baby steps to get there. this weekend's baby step was joy and kelli's celebration of february. though i was extremely late for the hoopla, i ended up being glad, because by the time i got there, it was a pretty small group. a totally chilled out, relaxed, glorious, and effervescent (ha ha) group of people i hadn't seen in awhile, which as it turned out, was the perfect prescription for paranoia. inclusion in the slow lane.
so i'll keep taking baby steps until i'm on hyperdrive and i blow a tire. but in the meantime, i will keep trying to enjoy my thinking time.
some of the things i've been thinking about lately, are how cowboy hats have so much power, they can make jake gyllenhall even hotter.
and how ice dancing is only interesting when aerials get postponed and all the skaters fall.
and how it is possible that bush is either the stupidest man alive or the most vindictive.
and how i am going to finally get to see kevin garnett play basketball tonight.
and how excited i am to go see deb in ny in a couple of weeks.
i've also been doing some thinking about dreams. not the 'when you are asleep' kind of dreams, but the 'i really want to _________' dreams, and whether or not they will ever come true.
so i'm curious. what are yours? fill in the blank.
for me, i've decided that...
i really want to live at the beach.
i really want to make a living as a photographer.
i really want to own horses.
i really want to work at the olympics again.
what do you really want to do?
6 comments:
I really want to direct/produce films.
I really want to create music that helps people feel.
I really want to live in the mountains - away from crowds.
I really want to stop working 8 hours a day.
I really want to find her... wherever and whoever she is.
OH, and I really want to have another dog :)
I really want to live in the same state as Maya.
I really want to develop more true, long-lasting friendships.
I really want to start an outdoor adventure company out west.
I really want to take a photography class.
I really want to teach SCUBA again.
I really want to love and be loved.
I really want to "settle down," have my own home, live in my own space, and feel the freedom of knowing that everything I do is by my own personal choice, or the consequence of my own actions, and not because I'm being forced to "work around" someone else.
And I completely relate to your feelings of exile. Sometimes all it takes is the brief feeling that friends did something without you, for whatever reason, to feel exiled. And then all it takes is five minutes with a friend to find out no one ever meant to slight you. I've found that being in a family ward- where you are "out of sight and out of mind"- makes it that much worse.
You stole mine...I really want to be a photographer...a good one...one that makes a lot of money and has lots of success!
thanks for the shoutout babe.
glad you had a goodtime, and thanks for coming over.
anne--we can have the same dream!
Post a Comment