insomnia

definition:

sleeping problems, called insomnia, can take several forms:

* difficulty falling asleep when you first go to bed at night
* waking up too early in the morning
* waking up frequently throughout the night

all types of insomnia can lead to daytime drowsiness, poor concentration, and the inability to feel refreshed and rested in the morning.

when i was 17, i had an epiphany. i was at a slumber party, and realized that while all of my friends were happily slumbering, i was wide awake. then i realized that this had happened at every slumber party, sleepover, or family trip i had ever participated in. i understood for the first time that laying in bed for two to three hours before falling asleep, was not normal. and it came as a shock.

now here i am, 12 years later, and not much has changed. i still lay awake for hours before achieving the blissful peace of sleep. but even when achieved, it is too quickly interrupted by the buzzing of the alarm clock, and it's time to pretend like i feel rested and well. the truth is, i don't. i very rarely do. i often bail out of things because i am simply too tired--which is particularly frustrating because i abhor flakiness in other people. of course, i don't feel like i can say 'i am too tired' and have anyone truly understand, so it usually ends up being 'i'm sorry to cancel, i'm just not feeling very well.' my 'excuses' have put a strain on many a friendship.

to add insult to injury, it seems that not only do i have difficulty falling asleep at night, but i actually hit a second wind. on any given day, i could go home from work and take a nap (quickly falling asleep), and be up all night. or i could forgo the nap in the hopes of going to bed at a normal time, only to be sadly reminded that that is simply not how it works for me. i can sleep anywhere in the middle of the day (a plane, the floor), but when it comes to bedtime, i am out of luck.

a friend suggested some time ago that i had probably done this to myself. my love of reading developed as a child, and i could often be found under the covers with flashlight and book in hand, during the wee hours of the morning. as i aged, that continued. it wasn't always a book, sometimes it was tv, or internet surfing, but it was usually something. this friend proposed that over the years, i had trained my brain to maintain alertness while in bed. that i had never given it the opportunity to 'rest', and therefore, it was incapable of doing so.

that made perfect sense to me. so, i went out and bought a nice comfy chair for my room. for nearly a year, i would not allow myself to read, watch tv, or internet surf in my bed. it was the chair, or nothing. it didn't help. not one tiny little bit. so i went back to doing those things in my bed. i understand that 1 year may not erase 20+ years of behavior, but do i have to sit in that chair for 20 more years to make it go away?

another friend suggested that my insomnia may be the result of my love affair with diet coke. this also made complete sense to me. so, for a respectable amount of time, i seriously cut down my intake, and would not allow myself the pleasure after 6:00pm. didn't make an ounce of difference. so i went back to my diet coke.

at one point i remembered that i have been able to fall asleep quickly, when visiting grandma's lakehouse, or while on a beach vacation. so i bought one of those 'nature sounds' cds in an attempt to lull myself to sleep with the peaceful background music of water. again, no luck.

i've tried over the counter sleeping pills from time to time with varying results. mostly they do nothing, and i can almost hear my brain saying (in mocking tones) 'you thought you could outsmart me? i am your brain afterall.'

it's true that i could have gone to a doctor a long time ago, but the idea of being dependent on a pill terrifies me. i think though, it may have finally come to that. maybe there is something i have missed that can only be discovered through professional help. i'm tired of being tired.