a new plateau

lately i have found myself losing patience with people. not in the way that means they say something and i snap at them, but in a way that i want to yawn or walk away most of the time.

i've been engaged in discussions lately with a good friend, and we seem to have both come to a place of apathy that is new to us.

i remember the last singles ward i was in. there were some people a couple of years older than me, that i knew i would get along with. but they wouldn't give me the time of day. it seemed as though they felt that they had all the friends they would ever need, and they weren't about to spend the time getting to know someone new. it made me kind of bitter. but now, i get it.

i've been single for a long time, and i've had lots of friends. since the time i can remember evolving into a social butterfly, i've been involved with many distinct groups of people. time and time again, you meet people, you click, you invest emotionally, and with your oh so precious time, and one by one they eventually fade into nostalgia. they get married, they move away..they take positive productive steps forward with their lives. and you find yourself, for the most part, starting over.

this has happened more times than i can count. and i see the positive perspective. it has allowed me to meet and connect with far more people than i ever could have if i had developed a group of friends who had stuck together for the last 15 years. but the less rosy side of this scenario is that it's draining. it's draining and it sometimes feels like a waste.

i've hit another one of those cycles, where friends seem to be dropping like flies, or preparing to. and it's for the right reasons, so i can't possibly begrudge them. yet i find that i have hit an emotional wall. i do not seem to have the capability to muster enough interest or desire to begin this process of connecting all over again.

i'm tired and uninterested. i no longer have the ability to believe that there are people who are going to teach me things i don't already know, or whom i could teach anything they didn't already know. i no longer believe that there are people that i will be able to connect with any more than people i have known.

i know how fatalistic this sounds, but for the first time in my life, true apathy has settled in. i see a boy, who i logically recognize as cute, and it does nothing for me. there is no 'possibility' there, afterall, i have exhausted the possibilities. what is going to make the next boy any different from the last? i've been around this block a few too many times.

the strangest thing of all is that i know how bitter and hopeless this sounds. but i don't *feel* bitter or hopeless. i'm actually pretty happy. i have a great career and work for a great company. i am growing spiritually. i am traveling (or will be again soon) . i, much like anne, recently found myself in a comfortable pair of jeans two sizes smaller than the ones i have been wearing since..well, probably since high school. i have expendable income that i don't have to answer to anyone for. my family is happpy and healthy and bravely facing the world in their own ways. and there are those few close friends whom i continue to rely on.

so i guess if this is it, i'm as okay as i'm ever going to be with that. there are improvements to be made and dreams yet to dream, but apathy has taken quite a weight off my shoulders.