new year's post

i have been writing, deleting, and rewriting a new year’s post for about three weeks now, and nothing has felt quite right.

typically, the beginning of a year brings reflection on the year past and a resolve to make changes in the next year. it is no secret that 2006 was rough. and yet, by year’s end, i found myself overwhelmed with gratitude. i became acutely aware of the priveleges and the blessings my life has afforded me, and was humbled by my unworthiness to have received them.

that thought is with me still, and has been prevalent as i have pondered the many possible areas of improvement for 2007. my one and only resolution for 2007 has been not to make any resolutions. it’s been my experience that making a new year’s resolution simply gives one another opportunity to disappoint oneself, and that is not how i wanted to begin what i expect to be the greatest year i’ve ever had (all in the attitude. all in the attitude.)

despite my anti-resolutionist attitude, i believe in goal setting. and in considering what goals might be worthwhile, i kept coming back to this feeling of gratitude. and fair warning, this may be the strangest new year’s post you’ve ever read.

i grew up in the home of a writer. and as a writer, my father traveled often. when possible, he would take my brother and i along. each year he traveled as a lecturer for a tour group, usually spending about a month in a new part of the world. usually dylan and i were left with relatives for those trips. one year though, the trip was scheduled to coincide with my first month of high school, so dad arranged for us to come along. It was an eastern european trip, and we covered a lot of ground. i would have liked to spend more time, but with 13 countries in 30 days, that wasn’t really an option.

however, despite the brevity of our time in each individual place, i learned three great lessons on that trip that have stuck with me for the last 16 years.

the first came in romania. we were there before the wall fell, and i imagine it is a much different place now. at the time however, it was dirty and poverty stricken. when we arrived in bucharest, the driver pulled the tour bus into one of the town squares. we had been instructed prior to the trip to bring extra every day items, such as toothbrushes, soap, etc.

curious children began approaching to see what was going on. they were dirty, mostly shoeless, and inappropriately dressed for the weather. we began handing out some of the items we had brought. i don't think to this day i have seen such a look of joy cross someone's face. it was the first time i truly understood how fortunate i was to be an american, and I have never forgotten it. romania to me had nothing to do with the architecture or the landscape, but with the lesson it taught me.

the other two lessons were both learned in poland, and almost simulaneously. i had the opportunity to visit auschwitz, the infamous concentration camp in poland. while there, we wandered through the ‘showers’ where prisoners were gassed, firing walls, where they were shot, and ovens where they were creamated. while all of that was completely disturbing, what had the most impact, was walking through various buildings, in which items collected from prisoners such as shoes and eyeglasses were piled behind glass for our viewing pleasure. there was one building however, that i was completely unprepared for. as i passed through the doorway, i was immediately engulfed by a stench i could not place. i took another step and saw one of the most horrifying things i have ever seen. piles and piles of rotting hair. hair that had been collected as prisoners’ heads were shaved.

the showers and the firing wall and the ovens had disturbed but not mortified me. it was seeing and smelling that pile of hair that created waves of nausea that sent me running from the building. at 14 years old, i understood what kind of evil atrocities humans were capable of perpetrating on one another, but even beyond that, i understood the kind of impact that our lives and experiences could have on eachother. i have never personnally known a holocaust survivor, but learning of their lives humbles me and reminds me how blessed i am. and again, i return to gratitude.

last week, i went to see ‘freedom writers’ with the girls, and did not realize that the holocaust would be a part of the story line. though i have been thinking recently about my experiences in eastern europe, the movie reminded me yet again of the lessons i have learned.

in considering what it is that i want to accomplish in 2007, i realized that as a result of my having been so blessed, i wanted to somehow find a way to bless the lives of others. this is a well-entrenched desire, yet i have struggled to determine how it is that i can accomplish it.

i think all of us have an innate desire to make a mark on the world, but doing so often seems a bit out of our reach. i was certain that i would be a mother by now, and i have always felt that parenthood is the most noble way to bless the lives of others. seeing as how i am not in that situation however, i have struggled and often been overwhelmed in attempting to find a suitable alternative.

what i have finally began to understand, is that our impact on the lives of others does not have to be overt or grand. gestures that are small and simple have a power all their own. and it is that power that i am seeking to expand upon this year. small and simple gestures meant to bless the lives of others, in gratitude for the blessings i have received.