"where do we go from here?"

name that song, earn my undying adoration.

it's a gray and rainy day today and it suits my mood. i should be on cloud 9 after my (really) good date last night, but instead i find myself depressed at learning that if i want to stay in my current living situation, i won't be able to get a dog. i'm both mad and sad right now. mad about the lady who cheated the system and took in a stray with no consequences, while i tried to go about things the right and honest way and was disappointed. mad that in the 'eternal' scheme of things this would be something that i'd be denied. and so sad that this missing piece will remain missing.

truth be told, there are two 'missing pieces' in my life right now. one of them i can't control, so changing the one that i can, has become of utmost importance. the only problem is that now, 'controlling' it, means moving. i'm not on a lease, so it's feasible. and it's fair to say i haven't established life long bonds with my roommates--i just think that's harder to do with anyone after you hit the 30 mark. but despite that, i enjoy them, we have no drama, and my home feels like home. after my last living situation i appreciate those things even more, but what i really want is a dog.

silly as it may sound, at the moment, i'd take a dog over a man. after all, men haven't proven all that reliable, and i've developed a fairly apathetic perspective on dating. in theory i still think it's a good idea, but in practice i've become slightly jaded, wondering if i can take actions and words at face value or if at some point, like they usually do, things will blow up in my face.

don't mistake apathy for bitterness. i'm not bitter, i just don't really care right now. kind of funny actually, when i realize that i've been on more actual dates with more guys in the last two months than probably in the last two years. and i go, and i have a good time, and i'm over it. or i was over it to begin with and i just traveled down the path of least resistance, i'm not sure. last night's date was one that i was actually excited about and i wish it weren't so colored by wholly unrelated events.

it was a year in the making, this date. i met the guy online in february of last year and at the time, i was also communicating with spencer in portland. i don't really remember how exactly things went down, but i met spencer before i met tim (despite him being far more geographically suitable) and spencer and i started dating. that was that until tim contacted me again in january. my schedule was fairly out of control so it took me awhile to respond, but eventually we reconnected and decided it was time to meet.

take 1
"hmmm..my aim was off but i look cute in this one so i'm going to post it anyway"

honestly, i couldn't have asked for a better first date. he drove the hour or so from la to come get me (bonus points) and on my recommendation we had dinner at the best italian place i know in huntington. first and foremost, he is absolutely adorable. i'm always a bit nervous when it's an online meet, that upon opening the door for the first time, i'll see a flash of disappointment. it's not like that always happens, but it has (on both sides - to be fair), and this was the first guy i'd been excited about meeting in a REALLY LONG TIME. to my relief, there was no 'flash', but rather the most amazingly disarming smile. i was already hooked.

he's not the type of guy i would normally date. i don't know exactly how to qualify that statement, other than to say he's just different. nicer maybe? a little more, hmmm, timid isn't the right word, but i'm usually attracted to in your face guys that are 'big talkers'. you know, guys who always have some grand plan which may or may not ever come to fruition. there's something a little quieter about tim, although he's not necessarily quiet. i'm having a hard time translating from my brain to type, so let's just leave it at he's not my usual type.

the dinner conversation was easy and natural, and he was able to make me laugh. we talked a lot about a lot, but we started talking about traveling, which led to some related topics, which led to my asking if he'd seen the movie 'amazing grace'. he hadn't, and lucky for him, i happen to own it. so after dinner we decided to head back to my place and pop in the movie. which of course, provided the perfect opportunity for some snuggling. there may or may not have also been some hand holding. and there might have even been an opportunity for a first kiss if i hadn't gotten so gun shy recently about kissing on the first date.

take 2
"okay, no cut off heads. good to go."

the chemistry was really good, i found it easy to be myself, and i think he's someone i could have a lot of fun with. the only downside is that now i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop...it always does. and as most of you know, the last really good date i had is what brought me to my jaded apathy in the first place. maybe he'll be different.. i'm hoping (he really is very very cute) but i'm not holding my breath. and of course i can't stop thinking about how much i want a dog, and how i really AM a glutton for punishment. i shouldn't have gone to meet her or started looking at dog beds and bowls and collars and such. i am absolutely heartbroken and i don't know what to do.