that's it. i've had it.

(warning: self-pity commences in ...3...2...1....)

exactly how much rejection and disappointment is considered 'normal'? is there not a threshold, and if so, haven't i already hit it? how many times can you pick yourself back up after getting the wind knocked out of you? i guess 'this many' times, because i'm done. i'm just gonna stay down this time. getting back on my feet isn't really getting me anywhere. raised hopes. shattered expectations.

this time, courtesy of one date wonder, part 2, who, not only have i not heard from since our good date, but who has actually ignored the attempt at contact i made. bad dog. where did you learn this bad behavior? shame on you.

i realize i've thrown out the 'i'm done' before, but that was all in preparation for this time apparently, because i really, really don't think i can take anymore. for the first time i'm finding gratitude (the one thing that has continually kept me going) completely elusive, and i'm just done. somehow i'll find a way to be content in my stagnation while the world moves on around me. no really, i will. i just have to learn to accept the mediocrity that is my life. somehow find happiness in ordering electricity for a trade show booth rather than teaching my children about literature and honesty and sharing. trade show booths need electricity after all, right?

a whale of a good time

in doing my regular updating of 'the list', last month i learned that the dana point (about 30 miles south of huntington) whale festival would be taking place. i thought it would be a great opportunity to do something i'd never done before and started researching whale watching tours. as luck would have it, i somehow found an $8 ticket for a two hour tour -- the exact same tour that anyone else would have paid nearly $40 to depart only an hour later.

i immediately bought four tickets, knowing there was a high risk of sellout, and invited mihaela and matt, both of whom are recent transplants to california. as a refresher, i know matt from virginia and mihaela from new york (i met her through deb many years ago). that just left one ticket up for grabs, and a few days prior, mihaela asked if she could invite a friend of hers who had recently moved from new york. our transplant group was complete, and as it turned out, mihaela's invitee was someone i've been hearing about for over a year, as he has been a regular tennis partner of deb's!

me and mihaela waiting for the boys

in 'typical' fashion mihaela and i both arrived a half hour prior to our meeting time, and matt and ted both arrived 20 minutes late. fortunately the meeting time was 30 minutes prior to the boat's departure, so everyone made it on board. i had been concerned that with an 8am tour, we were risking a marine layer, but even by the time i arrived at the wharf (early), the sun was shining, and though slightly chilly, it was a gorgeous day.

me and matt enjoying the day

the boat was in fact sold out, however it did not feel overly crowded. the group dynamic was absolutely perfect. ted and i clicked immediately and later when i made a comment to him that he and i were going to be friends, his response was 'we already are'. i don't know what's wrong with me, but the majority of people i really connect with here are all not FROM here.

our merry little band..mihaela, me, matt, ted

at any rate, for an hour and 50 minutes (give or take) we just enjoyed each other's company and being out on the water. mihalea unexpectedly experienced a bout of seasickness, but barring that, the company and the excursion alone was worth my $8. as luck would have it though, in the last few minutes, we did have one whale sighting. it wasn't overly dramatic, but based on the rest of the 'tour' we were pretty excited!

ahoy, whale!

after getting off the boat, we hopped on a shuttle bus that dropped us off at the top of the cliff along the parade route. what's a festival without a parade, right? parades out here are nothing if not entertaining--lots of interaction. at this parade, we saw and held whale bones, interacted with unicyclists, had conversations with woody drivers,

ted is fascinated by the woody

got photos with whale mascots,

just because

and generally just enjoyed ourselves.


at the conclusion of the parade, we wandered towards 'town' where we stopped at a completely divey mexican place and enjoyed a yummy meal - the highlight of which was something called elote. i had never heard of it before, but you can bet i'll be looking for it now. basically it's an ear of corn, grilled, covered with mayo and sprinkled with a grated cheese and chili mix. i might have been skeptical if it hadn't smelled so delicious. and it tasted that way too!

enjoying our elote

after lunch we wandered a little further until we came upon the street fair. we meandered through booths, matt and mihaela took advantage of the 'free' massage chairs,

matt takes a break

and i enjoyed some funnel cake. all in all it was a perfect day, and i never appreciate california so much as when i get out and EXPERIENCE california! holy cow, i LIVE here!

for more pics, click here.

"where do we go from here?"

name that song, earn my undying adoration.

it's a gray and rainy day today and it suits my mood. i should be on cloud 9 after my (really) good date last night, but instead i find myself depressed at learning that if i want to stay in my current living situation, i won't be able to get a dog. i'm both mad and sad right now. mad about the lady who cheated the system and took in a stray with no consequences, while i tried to go about things the right and honest way and was disappointed. mad that in the 'eternal' scheme of things this would be something that i'd be denied. and so sad that this missing piece will remain missing.

truth be told, there are two 'missing pieces' in my life right now. one of them i can't control, so changing the one that i can, has become of utmost importance. the only problem is that now, 'controlling' it, means moving. i'm not on a lease, so it's feasible. and it's fair to say i haven't established life long bonds with my roommates--i just think that's harder to do with anyone after you hit the 30 mark. but despite that, i enjoy them, we have no drama, and my home feels like home. after my last living situation i appreciate those things even more, but what i really want is a dog.

silly as it may sound, at the moment, i'd take a dog over a man. after all, men haven't proven all that reliable, and i've developed a fairly apathetic perspective on dating. in theory i still think it's a good idea, but in practice i've become slightly jaded, wondering if i can take actions and words at face value or if at some point, like they usually do, things will blow up in my face.

don't mistake apathy for bitterness. i'm not bitter, i just don't really care right now. kind of funny actually, when i realize that i've been on more actual dates with more guys in the last two months than probably in the last two years. and i go, and i have a good time, and i'm over it. or i was over it to begin with and i just traveled down the path of least resistance, i'm not sure. last night's date was one that i was actually excited about and i wish it weren't so colored by wholly unrelated events.

it was a year in the making, this date. i met the guy online in february of last year and at the time, i was also communicating with spencer in portland. i don't really remember how exactly things went down, but i met spencer before i met tim (despite him being far more geographically suitable) and spencer and i started dating. that was that until tim contacted me again in january. my schedule was fairly out of control so it took me awhile to respond, but eventually we reconnected and decided it was time to meet.

take 1
"hmmm..my aim was off but i look cute in this one so i'm going to post it anyway"

honestly, i couldn't have asked for a better first date. he drove the hour or so from la to come get me (bonus points) and on my recommendation we had dinner at the best italian place i know in huntington. first and foremost, he is absolutely adorable. i'm always a bit nervous when it's an online meet, that upon opening the door for the first time, i'll see a flash of disappointment. it's not like that always happens, but it has (on both sides - to be fair), and this was the first guy i'd been excited about meeting in a REALLY LONG TIME. to my relief, there was no 'flash', but rather the most amazingly disarming smile. i was already hooked.

he's not the type of guy i would normally date. i don't know exactly how to qualify that statement, other than to say he's just different. nicer maybe? a little more, hmmm, timid isn't the right word, but i'm usually attracted to in your face guys that are 'big talkers'. you know, guys who always have some grand plan which may or may not ever come to fruition. there's something a little quieter about tim, although he's not necessarily quiet. i'm having a hard time translating from my brain to type, so let's just leave it at he's not my usual type.

the dinner conversation was easy and natural, and he was able to make me laugh. we talked a lot about a lot, but we started talking about traveling, which led to some related topics, which led to my asking if he'd seen the movie 'amazing grace'. he hadn't, and lucky for him, i happen to own it. so after dinner we decided to head back to my place and pop in the movie. which of course, provided the perfect opportunity for some snuggling. there may or may not have also been some hand holding. and there might have even been an opportunity for a first kiss if i hadn't gotten so gun shy recently about kissing on the first date.

take 2
"okay, no cut off heads. good to go."

the chemistry was really good, i found it easy to be myself, and i think he's someone i could have a lot of fun with. the only downside is that now i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop...it always does. and as most of you know, the last really good date i had is what brought me to my jaded apathy in the first place. maybe he'll be different.. i'm hoping (he really is very very cute) but i'm not holding my breath. and of course i can't stop thinking about how much i want a dog, and how i really AM a glutton for punishment. i shouldn't have gone to meet her or started looking at dog beds and bowls and collars and such. i am absolutely heartbroken and i don't know what to do.

two things

1. the date is NEXT tuesday (not last night), which was my misunderstanding. sorry, you'll have to wait another week for the recap

2. i've decided that it's time for another dog. the first and biggest obstacle is that my complex does not allow dogs. they use to and a lot of people have them, but apparently they were all grand-fathered in. i finally got the courage to ask my landlady (who i've never met) about it, and the answer was a definitive 'no', until i used the words 'rescue,' 'small dog', 'older dog,' and 'i work for a pet insurance company.' i think it was the rescue thing and the pet insurance thing that really got her, being a dog owner herself. she agreed to talk to the owner for me, and i'm just praying she finds a way to say yes.

please, please, please keep your fingers crossed.. whether i like it or not, i am a dog person. not having one actually feels like something is missing, and i'm happier, and frankly, healthier, as a dog owner. i'm hoping that cosmically i've garnered some bonus points by not ratting out the lady down the way who took in a stray and decided to keep him a few weeks ago, and that my landlady will succeed on my behalf. the bottom line is, if she doesn't, i'm probably looking at another move in the next year, and given that i actually love my living environment right now, i'd like to avoid that if possible. i just want to have my cake and eat it too!

as you can imagine, the second part of this process is finding a dog. in this job, they are everywhere, and everyone has an opinion. when you ask one of our many vet techs for an opinion on a breed, the answer is almost always preceded with an eye roll. to be fair, i understand it. after all, when they see an animal, 9 times out of 10 it's because the animal is having problems. so when i say 'boston terrier' they think 'bronchiosyphallic,' (i've probably butchered the spelling on that) and while it's true that that is a potential problem, it's not a guaranteed one.

i used the example of the boston terrier because i had pretty much narrowed it down to that breed...until i made the mistake of getting on petfinder.com. keep in mind, i've been looking on and off for 3 months, and today, i found the dog that must be mine. she is a total mutt. part dachsund, part jack russell, part wire haired doxie-all 10 pounds of her. she's an older dog at 6, and though the idea of having to face the grieving process in 6 or 8 years instead of 10 or 14 is tough, i also know that it is harder for older dogs to get rescued. not to mention that her personality (as described) seems ideally suited to me and my living situation. i can't explain it, i've looked at hundreds of dog pics recently, and this one literally jumped out of the computer screen at me. so seriously people, cross your fingers that i will get the approval, and then that i will be able to breeze through the rescue process as quickly as possible!

if you need a little more incentive, check out the vid of the dog below:

oscars ain't no bull

first and foremost, my sister-in-law is the only one of you who loves me enough to have participated in my little oscar game. maybe that's fitting.

since i promised an ode to the winner if it wasn't me, and she beat me by three points (although to be fair, we both stunk it up pretty good), here is the promised ode:

ode to kelly

a better sister-in-law,
one could not ask fer
among her finer attributes,
that kinky 'curly like a black girl' hair (yes, that's what we call 'slant rhyme')

she loves to laugh
and try new things
and very few
more sweetly sing

she often finds herself
in the service of others
the girls at church
and at work, the mothers

her heart is kind
her mind is tough
most people wish
to be made of such stuff

and thus concludes
my ode to the girl
who beat me fair and square
i think i'm gonna hurl

ta. da. aside from my loss, i am so excited that slumdog and benjamin button did so well, and that hugh jackman was so spectacularly hot in that tux. all in all, a good night.

in other news, i have a secret. i'm a little bit country. and country doesn't come to town all that often in southern california. so when it does, i absolutely have to take advantage. in doing my regular research to keep the 'california hot list' updated, i learned that pbr (the bull riding association, not the beer) was going to be in town for a couple nights, and since i already had a date scheduled (not the one from the most recent post) with an activity yet to be determined, i thought it would be perfect. even if the date was bad, i'd be doing something i'd enjoy!

ouch.

and boy did i enjoy it! this was no frills serious bullriding, on serious bulls who liked to charge once they bucked their riders. so fun! it's also entertaining to attend sporting events of any type here because there is almost always a celebrity in the house. this time, john elway, and, wait for it, waaaaiit for it, luke perry.

obligatory brunette, luke perry, obligatory blond, john elway

for those of you who don't know, luke perry (depsite his 90210 roots) was in a fantastic bull riding movie called '8 seconds.' As a result, his attendance was actually pretty cool as opposed to just being retarded. and john elway, well i don't know what his excuse was, but he was wearing a cowboy hat.

i quite literally took 500 photos (all of bulls and cowboys) and there are a lot of good ones, so while i've included a small taste in this post, it's going to take me a bit to get them uploaded.

i love it when they fly

i loved seeing all the cowboy hats and boots wandering around the honda center and getting a chance to wear my name in rhinestones on a belt buckle. i was reminded that a little country is a lot good for my soul!

so, until i get all the pics uploaded you can twiddle your thumbs in anticipation of a wednesday recap of the tuesday night date with the 'very cute boy', and a new and awesome playlist by week's end, featuring my new musical obsession, plushgun.