getting in shape

it's safe to say that 2007 has been a different kind of year for me.

i decided to reprioritize my social time and no longer attend parties or mass gatherings. instead, i find that my social hours are spent engaged in activities and conversations with one or two friends at a time. the result has been fewer relationships that are far more meaningful to me.

i also decided to be less selfish. it has been a growing concern of mine that the older i get still single, the less selfless i become. it is all too easy to put yourself first, all of the time, especially when you are not responsible to or for anyone else. so, though this desire to be less selfish has not resulted in grand gestures, there have been baby steps. small, subtle changes that allow me to consider the needs of others before my own.

i decided to use my calling to gain more solid spiritual footing. it's not as if i was walking through quicksand before, but through that, an effort to be more consistent with spiritual habits, and a rededication to strengthening my testimony, i have felt a peace and a faith previously unknown.

i also decided to go back to the gym. of all of the changes, this was the hardest. i am not someone who has ever loved physical exertion. i far prefer exertion of the mental type. yet, i remembered a time when i was consistently working out for about a year, and remembered how much i had come to enjoy it. not the act of sweating itself, but the stress release, the ability to sleep better, and just generally feeling better about myself.

it's been a month now. i am in the gym five to six days a week. i consider it a tender mercy that by day 2, i was already enjoying it again. and rather than having to motivate myself to go, i have been severely disappointed on those rare occasions that i have not been able to (i.e. snow days).

the reason i consider this a tender mercy is that i am someone who is motivated by the scale. digital number readouts can single-handedly result in my refraining from a second piece of cake, or deciding i don't really care that much. in a 24 hour period, my weight can fluctuate between 2-4 pounds, for no discernible reason. in a week, i can be up or down 10. i am used to some variety in those digital numbers.

and yet, for the past month, when i get on that scale in the morning, those numbers read the exact same thing. i know my scale works, because if i get on at a different time of day, it will say something different. but consistency is the key when it comes to weighing yourself, and every morning, those same numbers look up at me, taunting me.

there are many theories as to why this may be the case, and i've spoken to many people about it. i had come up with one very good theory, which has yet to be proven, but today i encountered another likely culprit. did you know that there are 3200-3500 calories in one pound?

every day, i average about 1100 calories. i burn 700 off the top on the elliptical machine, and my daily meanderings easily burn the rest and more. so technically, i should be losing pounds. ive heard the 'muscle weighs more than fat' statement, and it's not that i don't believe it, but in my case, nothing about my body has changed. my clothes aren't fitting differently, i'm not losing inches. nothing has changed.

so my friend turned me on to a pretty good website today for women and working out, and in doing some reading, i found that i should intake 1600-1800 calories a day in 3-6 meals. and i looked at the clock, and it's almost 2:30 and i have a total of 30 calories so far.

eating before 10am makes me nauseous, and by then i am at work and going. so i don't do breakfast. and it's such a hassle to go out for lunch. so i have dinner. not always, but it's pretty common.

believe me, i love food. it's not as if i wake up each morning and think, 'hey, i'm going to starve myself today, and maybe i'll lose weight.' but in effect, my body thinks that it is what i am doing to it, and it's storing everything it possibly can. it's probably made my metabolism very slow, which explains why even during those short bursts of 'normal' eating habits, there is no effect.

so i'm learning a lot about my body, and that altering it is a process that involves consistency and time and commitment. and i'm okay with that. i want to look and feel better, but i don't need a drastic change overnight for my self-esteem. and the truth is, that's a big change for me.

clearly, one of many taking place this year, and i'm sure there are many more to come!

fyi, there is also another great site i found that allows you to log food and activities, set goals, etc. it's easy and free.