some time ago i blogged but did not post. at the time i felt that the message was a little too pointed and a little too passive aggressive, so i refrained from sharing it with the world.
i post it now, only because tamara, one of my favorite pseudo-strangers, seems to have a similar frustration, not because it is relevant at the moment...
as far back in my dating career (yes, i have unwittingly made a career out of it), men have been telling me (or implying) that i lack patience. i can't tell you how many times i have been in relationships where i have bent over backwards accommodating the timeline of the other person, thinking 'i just need to be more patient.'
but, when it was implied to me again this week, it absolutely hit a nerve. why is it always me that has to do the accommodating? why is it continually implied that it is MY timeline that is wrong? i think i've fallen victim to a superior marketing scam perpetrated on women.
when i'm told that i am impatient, the other person is typically in a position where they are simply not ready to move forward. it may be fear, lack of faith, lack of commitment, the inability to hope, or their uncertainty that i'm worth the risk, that prevents them from moving to the next step--whatever that is. i don't really know, but every one of those things is a far greater travesty to me, then my desire to proceed.
every time a man has told me i'm impatient, it has been to justify the fact that he wasn't 'ready.' (apparently men really have to psych themselves up to date me, but that's beside the point.) and every time, i have thought, i'll just give him time to work out his stuff, and then life will be hunky dory. well, i'm finally realizing that when a man drags his feet, not only is it not my responsibility to wait him out (or worse-push/drag him), but it's probably not in either of our best interests.
deep down, i believe that when someone is interested in you, they make it painfully clear in both words AND actions. those actions do not include overwhelming hesitation, or hemming and hawing. when that hesitation exists, despite contradictory words having been spoken, i am coming to believe that it is because men are enamored of the 'possibility' of a relationship, yet unwilling to take the risk the reality of that relationship might bring.
that's pretty much when i start hearing the 'patience' bit.
i have always been someone who knows what i want. where is the fault in that? i'm to feel guilty about my willingness to take risks and make progress? i've been hurt too. i have issues too. have i made mistakes? of course. have i put too much trust in people? absolutely. yet, you don't see that paralyzing me.
i guess the moral of this story is that i'm learning. i'm learning that it's not always my fault (though it's too bad i'm learning this so late), and i'm learning to get out while i still can.
4 comments:
Oh sweet sister, I HEAR YA!
I haven't figured out what the whole timing thing means. I know in my relationship right now, I'm being asked for us to take a step back. Does that mean we will take a step forward in the future? I don't know. I know it requires patience. And I actually believe I've been incredibly patient with this one. But he's been worth the patience so far.
The big question is what do I do in the meantime? I decided Monday morning I didn't want to cry all day any more. My head hurt! So I picked myself up and enjoyed the day.
Yesterday too.
Today I cried a little.
But I don't know.
I've already been asked out on dates by other men. I don't know how I feel about that, but I know that even though I'm asked for "time", it doesn't mean that I have to sit around and wait.
I will be posting about this again now!!!
(btw, GD is going GREAT!!!)
Cindy told me to shape up or ship out back in 2000. Seemed to work for her.
t-i am so sorry that it's hard. a girlfriend who is on the verge of being engaged keeps trying to remind me that it shouldn't be. not having experienced that for myself, i am still skeptical about the possibility of it just being easy, but she is also very persuasive.
a-if you can believe it, i don't think i've ever issued that kind of 'ultimatum'. i've been kind of woosy that way, subconciously knowing that if i did, they would opt for the 'ship out' choice. i have finally hit the point where that's okay--where it's better for them to ship out then waste my time. and my bs tolerance is much lower now, so if i need to, i'll give it a shot next time:)
LOL! Tara, you're so funny.
In my history, I have had more guys I wanted to ship out than shape up. So I'm lucky they left!
But for now... I think things are good. Timing can be tough. Really what I think it comes down to is that people are ready to do the work when they're ready. I really think it's that simple. And I think it does take work... but it's not supposed to be excruciating. I had one of those once. Ouch. It was the WORST! No more bozos in my book. The work isn't worth the payoff!
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