apathy and isaiah

okay, i lied. well, kind of. i realize that it was only two days ago that i said if this is it, i was okay with that, but i am still settling into this apathy thing, and i now find myself wondering if apathy and yearning can co-exist. that seems like an oxymoron, but i can’t help but think it’s akin to oil and water. true that they will never mix, but you can put them in the same bottle, and shake the bottle, and each will weave it’s way through and around the other. that’s the very definition of co-existence, isn’t it? not blending into one another, but existing seperately within the same space?

i recently learned that a friend is considering a move to taiwan to teach english, and it illicited a yearning--a desire for more. let’s be honest, event planning is something that i am, for the most part, good at, and find, for the most part, fulfilling. but it’s a far cry from saving the world. i have the same desire many have to make a mark and contribute something positive to the world around me. in keeping with the spirit of honesty, i thought by this time i would be a wife and mother, and i think motherhood (or parenthood) is the greatest contribution one can make. since i haven’t yet reached that stage, i find myself wanting to do something more, but am clueless as to what i should be doing. teaching english in taiwan isn’t the right fit. i thought about joining the peace corps a couple of years ago, but i enjoy the comforts of home and the closeness of my family too much to do that. so what is it? what is it that will bring me fulfillment and joy? and is my apathy completely limiting my ability to actually find it?

in other news, i taught my first gospel doctrine class today...nothing like isaiah to get your feet wet. i’m not really able to give an accurate perspective on how it went, because i am entirely too wrapped up in the fear. but i will say this, it is always amazing to me to see with such different eyes how the lord conveys his message. today was no exception. the sacrament meeting speakers were asked to speak on conference talks that held special meaning to them. not only was it a particularly moving meeting that helped me better feel the spirit, despite my fear, but of all of the conference talks, two of the speakers chose the same one, which as it happens, was a direct tie-in to what i had felt inspired to focus on in class. so even though the terror still existed, i felt confident that i was delivering the message that the lord wanted the class members to hear.

in the end though, i’m not sure if i was more surprised by the 22 year old that hit on me after class, or the girl (quite gorgeous herself) who approached me to tell me how beautiful i am. yes, shenandoah is indeed a unique ward.

a new plateau

lately i have found myself losing patience with people. not in the way that means they say something and i snap at them, but in a way that i want to yawn or walk away most of the time.

i've been engaged in discussions lately with a good friend, and we seem to have both come to a place of apathy that is new to us.

i remember the last singles ward i was in. there were some people a couple of years older than me, that i knew i would get along with. but they wouldn't give me the time of day. it seemed as though they felt that they had all the friends they would ever need, and they weren't about to spend the time getting to know someone new. it made me kind of bitter. but now, i get it.

i've been single for a long time, and i've had lots of friends. since the time i can remember evolving into a social butterfly, i've been involved with many distinct groups of people. time and time again, you meet people, you click, you invest emotionally, and with your oh so precious time, and one by one they eventually fade into nostalgia. they get married, they move away..they take positive productive steps forward with their lives. and you find yourself, for the most part, starting over.

this has happened more times than i can count. and i see the positive perspective. it has allowed me to meet and connect with far more people than i ever could have if i had developed a group of friends who had stuck together for the last 15 years. but the less rosy side of this scenario is that it's draining. it's draining and it sometimes feels like a waste.

i've hit another one of those cycles, where friends seem to be dropping like flies, or preparing to. and it's for the right reasons, so i can't possibly begrudge them. yet i find that i have hit an emotional wall. i do not seem to have the capability to muster enough interest or desire to begin this process of connecting all over again.

i'm tired and uninterested. i no longer have the ability to believe that there are people who are going to teach me things i don't already know, or whom i could teach anything they didn't already know. i no longer believe that there are people that i will be able to connect with any more than people i have known.

i know how fatalistic this sounds, but for the first time in my life, true apathy has settled in. i see a boy, who i logically recognize as cute, and it does nothing for me. there is no 'possibility' there, afterall, i have exhausted the possibilities. what is going to make the next boy any different from the last? i've been around this block a few too many times.

the strangest thing of all is that i know how bitter and hopeless this sounds. but i don't *feel* bitter or hopeless. i'm actually pretty happy. i have a great career and work for a great company. i am growing spiritually. i am traveling (or will be again soon) . i, much like anne, recently found myself in a comfortable pair of jeans two sizes smaller than the ones i have been wearing since..well, probably since high school. i have expendable income that i don't have to answer to anyone for. my family is happpy and healthy and bravely facing the world in their own ways. and there are those few close friends whom i continue to rely on.

so i guess if this is it, i'm as okay as i'm ever going to be with that. there are improvements to be made and dreams yet to dream, but apathy has taken quite a weight off my shoulders.

i need a better juicer

my site scores a



i guess they base it on how many people subscribe to your rss feed. i feel okay about the fact that i score a 1.4 and gizmodo scores a 9.8. i think that everything is right with the world.

a public service announcement

to the ladies...if you have not seen 'men in trees' yet, i would highly encourage it. 9pm est tonight on abc. it's sex and the city meets northern exposure, and i hope that talking all my girlfriends into watching it will mean it stays on the air, because let's face it, 9:00pm on a friday night is not the ideal time slot, and i'm hooked. i can't stand anne heche and i am still hooked.

need more info? go here

in my dreams

i had a dream last night. i know, it doesn't seem earth shattering, but let me remind you why that is significant.

first of all, i rarely remember my dreams. i remember maybe 3-5 a year. of those i remember, i find that about half are just my subconscious working through things, and the other half tend to come to fruition. i am always hesitant to say that my dreams are prophetic, or heavenly father gives me visions, because that just sounds so, oh i don't know, just so weird. however, i have seen enough of my dreams come to pass, that i cannot deny that there is or can be some real power in dreams.

last night, i found myself lying on the ground in a grassy area, on a beautiful sunny day with some friends. we were talking and laughing, and at some point, i realized there was a man lying on the ground next to me. he had his arm around me. he was dark haired and tall. not jaw dropping turn your head and stare hot, but attractive. and what was odd was that, i knew i didn't know who he was, but he was familiar enough that that having him lying on the ground next to me with his arm around me, did not seem strange.

then as dreams so often do, the location changed, and i was in a big house with even more of my friends. strangely enough, not one of the people in my dream was the nocturnal embodiment of someone i actually know. they were all friends in the dream, but there was none of that knowledge that often comes that says 'oh, that's anne, even if it doesn't look like anne.' know what i mean?

anyway, i was in this house, and again, the guy was there. i remember thinking to myself, 'i thought j was it for me, but here is this guy, and it's even better than anything i could have imagined.' i found myself completely surprised at having met someone new, but in my dream, i knew that the search was finally over. much of the dream was our interaction, and at one point i cornered a group of my 'friends' and finally just asked 'what is his name?!' they told me (which i don't remember) and asked 'don't you remember him? you used to know him.' and then i realized, i did know him, but i also didn't know him. i don't know if i can really explain this one, but i remembered that i should know him, but i still didn't.

the gathering of friends turned into a slumber party, and the next morning while getting ready for breakfast, and in the most humorous moment (and indicator of entirely too much working) my ceo came walking into the kitchen in his robe to grab something out of the fridge, which is when i realized it was his house i was staying in.

the mystery man was still asleep, and i had to get home to let the dog out (reality creeping in). i wrote my phone number on a piece of paper for him, but he awoke and caught me on my way out. we made plans to see eachother again, and i woke up.

i guess partly what is interesting to me is that my conscious mind completely disagrees with a lot of the feelings i had during the dream. i know i haven't spoken much here about what happened with jeremy and i, or why it didn't work out, because some things are a little too personal to broadcast, and i have to draw the line somewhere. suffice it to say, he broke my heart, and i still believe/hope that there is a possibility of a future for us somewhere down the line.

and yet, my dream, the actual dream, and the feelings it evoked, made it clear that while an important relationship, it was only meant to lead me to the person i really should be spending eternity with. i don't know if i am ready to accept that yet, but i will say this, i woke up this morning feeling more comfort and more hope than i have in months.